


Conscious lover

by notreallystraight



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/F, F/M, M/M, Multi, but she's back and they're all back and it'll be great, hopefully, i've missed my baby lexa, people are gay and it's great
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-14
Updated: 2017-07-09
Packaged: 2018-10-18 23:07:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 40,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10627059
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notreallystraight/pseuds/notreallystraight
Summary: Clarke and Finn have been dating for eleven years now and she no longer knows the difference between loving and being in love.ORClarke meets Lexa and her world gets twist-turned upside-down.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> guysss
> 
> i've missed my baby lexa. i've been in a deep, dark pit of missing her, but i'm finally back and ready to write about her
> 
> i love her
> 
> take care of her
> 
> (also this is mainly Clexa for any readers who are here for other things!!!)

“I’m working late today, sorry. I’ll make dinner tomorrow. Deal? “ Finn says, kissing Clarke’s cheek out of habit. He continues to look through the piles of papers on his desk, looking for names and numbers of importance, sorting the ones he’s happy with into one pile, lining the trashcan with the rest.

 

“Sure, sure. “ Clarke simply shakes her head and smiles. Her phone is going crazy in the pocket of her jeans, the bag of food she picked up from the diner a couple streets away warm in her hand. “I’ll invite Octavia over or something. “

 

“Sounds like fun, “ Finn hums as he types quickly on the white keyboard on his fancy new computer. “See you later. “

 

“Bye, “ Clarke says and turns, walking out of the big office with the glass walls. People’s eyes following her as she walks through the many stalls of half walls, workers peeking over to get a look at the girl who, once again, had to leave alone. “Enjoy the show, “ She mumbles to herself, not caring one bit any of them heard her.

 

_____________________________

 

“He did it _again_? “ Octavia exclaims, filling her mouth with a powdered donut she’d picket up for herself on the way to Finn and Clarke’s apartment. “I’m going to kick his ass if- “

 

“How ‘bout you just focus on not getting stains on my new couch? “ Clarke laughs, sipping the cold beer Octavia also brought with her.

 

“This is becoming too much of a habit for him, Clarke. “

 

“I know, “ Clarke says. “But when it’s not him it’s me. I stood him up this morning- “

 

“ _Clarke_ , “ Octavia complains, the white powder flying everywhere. “Shit, “ She babbles as she tries to flick the specks of sugar away from the beige couch.

 

“It’s fine, “ Clarke laughs. “But yeah, I was the bad guy this morning. I totally forgot about our brunch-date and left without even saying goodbye. “

 

“It’s the little things that- “

 

“That ruins the relationship, I know, _god_. “ Clarke shakes her head again and falls back against the mountain of colored pillows. “Remember when we were in high school and all you had to do was just tell someone they looked cute and you were pretty much dating? “

 

“Sounds like you where a bit of a slut, Clarke Griffin. “ Octavia giggles, wiping her hands on her, now stained, jeans.

 

“You know what I mean! “ Clarke laughs. “It used to be so easy, you know? But now- now all these stupid little things are getting in the way and- “

 

“You’ve been together for a very long time, Clarke, it’s okay if the magic goes away. “

 

“Why does it always end up with that, O’? Why can’t I just have a bad day with Finn and you’ll just give me some advice that doesn’t mean I’ll have to break up with him? “

 

“Because, “ Octavia says, taking Clarke’s hand. “It’s not just a bad day. It’s been like this for the past year and you know it. You’ve been together since you were fifteen, Clarke. That’s eleven years of your life spent with this one guy. I had only just gotten my first period when you started seeing Finn! “

 

“Too much info, O’. “ Clarke shakes her head and gets up from the couch, occupying her hands by taking out the empty cans. “I don’t want to be talking about this anymore, okay? Not until you can give me advice I can actually use! “

 

“The ‘O’ in my name stands for Oprah, sweetie. I say what I feel and you can choose to take it or leave it. Now, bring me another beer and let me tell you about the dumbest thing that happened today! “

 

“Yes, sir! “ Clarke calls back from the kitchen with a big grin on her face, the worries of, yet another day’s, problems with Finn being left behind as she sits back down with her best friend.

 

_____________________________

 

A sudden light wakes her up from her deep sleep and a dream about her old high school. Finn slides down next to her in bed, kisses her goodnight and rolls over to his side of the bed again. “Are you going to sleep? “ Clarke whispers, fiddling for Finn’s hand under the covers.

 

“I’m exhausted, “ He mumbles and turns a little.

 

“Really? “ She grins, grabbing his hand and linking her fingers with his. “Sure you’re tired? “ Clarke leans over him slightly, kissing the tip of his nose and down to meet his lips.

 

“Clarke, “ He says and sits up a little so that Clarke has to give him more space to sit comfortably. “I love you, but I’m drained, okay? “ He kisses her firmly on the lips before disappearing under his own snoring and mumbled words. He’s asleep.

 

And the empty feeling Clarke’s felt every night for months rushed over her again. Not even her black lace underwear he’d bought her on Valentines day last year could make him see her, make him show that she was not just a roommate or something meaningless like that.

 

_____________________________

 

She could use a sunny day, a day where she could wear her favorite blue and white dress without piling on cardigans and knee-high socks. Though, she rarely gets what she wishes for and when Clarke looks through the dirty window and out to the empty street, she sees the grey sky and wet pavement.

 

“Leaving already? “ Finn asks as he grabs a cup of the coffee Clarke made when she woke up.

 

“Yeah, big day today. We just got hired to illustrate some stuff for another company, “ Clarke says, looking through her phone, leaning up against the cold window.

 

“Sounds cool. I’ll make dinner for six o’clock, is that okay? “ Finn asks. His hair is messy around his head and his brown eyes, puffy from sleep.

 

“It’s perfect. “ Clarke drags her feet across the small living room, wrapping her hands around Finn’s waist and kisses him deeply. “You have the worst breath, “ She says and leans back.

 

“I just woke up. What’s your excuse? “ He laughs, sliding his hands down her back until he reaches her butt and grins even more.

 

“You’re such a kid, “ Clarke says, grabbing her purse and jacket on her way out the door. “See you at six! “

 

“Don’t be late! “ He calls back.

 

_____________________________

 

“Have you thought about _not_ doing that? “ Clarke asks.

 

“But- but it’s the best idea we’ve had so far? It’s literally the highlight of this month, “ The lady says. Her hands are covered in paint and she has stains all over her clothes.

 

“I know, I know, I’m sorry. But, listen, we want to bring this job further, we want to make it better, and writing about a monkey on a bike is not, I mean it surely is creative, but it was more creative the first twenty times someone wrote about monkeys. I’m not trying to drag you guys down, you’re doing really well, I promise, but this- this story is not original and different. It’s been done a million times and, I’m sorry, but we desperately need something else. “ Clarke tries to keep her voice calm and collected, though she’s digging her nails deeper into the palms of her hands with every fake smile she puts on her face.

 

Suddenly someone knocks on her door and the lady with the paint turns in surprise. “Griffin? You have a very important meeting now. Please, come with me. “

 

Clarke gets up from her desk and straightens the front of her loose dress. “Yes, of course. Listen, Agatha, I’m so sorry about this, but if you guys aren’t going to give me something I can use, then we need to talk about some changes in your department. You have until next week- “

 

“But it’s Thursday? “ The lady quivers.

 

“Not my problem, dear. Now, you have to excuse me. “ Clarke clears her throat as she leaves the room, followed by her savior, Octavia. “I owe you one. “

 

“You’re the one looked like you were about to kill that woman, “ Octavia snorts as they rush out of the office and into the empty elevator. “What was that about? “

 

“It’s the children’s book department. I’ve asked them for months to give some ideas for animations on new stories and they keep throwing animals on bikes at me- “

 

“Sounds like a messy and painful job, “ Octavia laughs.

 

“It really is. I don’t want to fire anyone, O’, but this is horrible. If it wasn’t for that big new job, the one with the parks department down town, I’d have to shut the entire floor down. “ Clarke sighs loudly as she presses the button to get to the top floor. The two girls walk down the long hallway, which is almost completely empty for people. Outside the sun is now peeking through the white and grey clouds, giving Clarke the slight hope of some heat.

 

“You’re the boss, “ Octavia says, opening the door for Clarke.

 

“But I’m not. I’m just a person trapped behind a desk instead of doing the thing I was hired for. If I don’t get to hold a pencil soon I’ll explode. I took the job to help create something, not to yell at people for being shit at _their job_! “ Clarke complains. They reach the empty balcony at the end of the hallway. The cold air gives Clarke goosebumps so obvious you could see them form the street below.

 

“Should’ve brought my jacket, “ Octavia complains.

 

“ _That_ ’s your biggest problem right now? God, Octavia, you must have it easy. “ Clarke laughs.

 

“I don’t. Margret, my boss, is slowly killing me. Apparently you’re not supposed to put your coffee next to your computer. “

 

“You did _not_ ruin another computer, O. “

 

“Oh, but I did! And now Margret keeps giving me paperwork instead. Plus! She took my coffee? Like, who does that? “ Octavia mumbles, leaning on the edge of the metal railing.

 

“We should just quit and move somewhere else, do something cool and exiting. This is- this is too depressing, “ Clarke states. The wind is sending cold shivers down her back, her blonde hair is flying all around her and her lips are slowly getting drier.

 

“Let’s get back inside and then we’ll talk about our escape plan. “ Octavia laughs, leading the way back down the hallway. “Wait, I actually need to tell you something, “ Octavia says suddenly, grabbing Clarke’s arm to stop her from walking into the elevator. “I- I heard that Raven’s coming back into town. “

 

“Really? “ Clarke asks, not sure if the knot in her stomach is from excitement or-

 

“Yeah, she got back this morning. Monty and Jasper are having a welcome back party for her, “ Octavia says, letting go of Clarke to let them both keep walking.

 

“Sounds like fun. “

 

“Sounds like you’re not to happy about it- “

 

“She’s- Octavia, you know- “ Clarke shakes her head, not knowing how to finish her sentence. “She’s one of my best friends- “

 

“But she kissed your boyfriend before leaving last year- “

 

“She did! “ Clarke exclaims. “And it’s weird, I mean, I’m not even mad about it. It never really came as a surprise to me- “

 

“You’re talking nonsense, Clarke. She kissed him and he told you and she left, that’s it. But you guys should still come to the party. Jasper said he’s going to invite some people from work and stuff. Lincoln and I are coming! “ Octavia teases.

 

“Great, so you guys will be exchanging spit all throughout the party, huh? “

 

“You’re the worst person _ever_. “ Octavia laughs.

 

“Even worse than Margret? “

 

“Don’t flatter yourself, “ Octavia says, nudging Clarke with her elbow as they go down with the elevator to their floor of hell, continuing yet another endless workday.

 

_____________________________

 

Finn’s standing with his head over the stove, looking into the massive pot of food he’s making, a grim expression spreading on his face as he tastes the sauce and shakes his head. “Would you hate the idea of ordering pizza? “ He asks Clarke, looking over his shoulder. Clarke’s sitting with her legs up on the couch, doodling in her sketchbook as music pours out of the speakers, loud enough to hide Finn’s voice. “Clarke? “ He says, grinning to himself. The sight of his girlfriend lost in her own thoughts, sitting on the couch with her hair up in a messy bun, glasses just on the tip of her nose makes him smile widely.

 

He walks over to her, kisses her neck and cheek, putting his hand under her shirt and down her back as he asks her again. “Do you want to order pizza? “

 

“Is it _that_ awful? “ Clarke asks and laughs when she looks at the disastrous kitchen Finn’s left behind. “I’ll take that as a yes. Order a number eight for me and I’ll be happy. “

 

“It’s almost too easy. “ Finn laughs.

 

_____________________________

 

The next day is filled with the leftover work from yesterday, people running in and out of Clarke’s office with ideas, messy drawings with horrible colorings and complaints of other coworkers Clarke doesn’t even know the names of.

 

“Listen, “ She says, taking off her glasses as to keep the serious tone in the conversation. “I’m not the office’s therapist, okay? If you’re having issues with Mark or Tiffany or any other person in here, fix it yourself. I’m sorry, but I have a million other things on my plate and making sure Tiffany doesn’t steal your pencils isn’t one of them. Now, please, go make a bestseller book or step on Tiffany’s toes or do something else, I don’t care, as long as you’re out of this room. “ Clarke sighs loudly as the woman slams the door after her.

 

Three harsh knocks on the glass door make Clarke spin back in her chair to look at it. She’d just taken three seconds to look out over the city behind her, the thousands of lives out there doing everything else than working in this horrible office with these horrible people.

 

“Murphy, “ She says in a cheerful voice and gets up from her chair. “What are you doing here? “ She walks to him, forces him in for a hug he doesn’t care about and lets go with a stiff expression.

 

“Raven’s back in town, “ He says, fiddling with a small block of paper on Clarke’s desk. His hair is greasy and messy, he’s wearing tight jeans and a loose t-shirt with rips and holes in it.

 

“I know. Octavia told me yesterday. They’re having a party for her, “ Clarke says, not meaning for her voice to sound so strained.

 

“You’re already pissed at her, aren’t you? “

 

“Is it amusing to you? She’s not been back for a very long time, you know. It’s been forever since- “

 

“Since she kissed your boyfriend of eleven fucking years? “ He laughs, scratching his chipped nail polish off.

 

“Yes. Why are people always starting a conversation about Raven like that? It’s not- it’s not big news anymore, it’s fine. We’re all fine now. “ Clarke lies.

 

“Sure you are. “ Murphy grins. He walks with long, lousy steps to the window and looks out over the town. People are slowly starting to cover the streets as the sun peaks out through the thick layer of clouds. “You’re coming to the party, then? “

 

“I am. “

 

“It’s today at seven. “

 

“That’s what you came here to tell me? “ Clarke asks.

 

“Actually, yes. I’m staying with Monty and Jasper for the week and they told me to tell you to not screw up their party with your drama- “

 

“ _My_ drama? “ Clarke shouts, making the people right outside her office stop and stare for a second. “My drama? “ She repeats in a whisper. “I- Listen, okay? It’s been a year since it happened and I am over it, so is Finn and- and Raven probably is too. Let’s just have a fun party tonight and- wait, did you say you were staying with Monty and Jasper? “

 

“Yeah- “

 

“Why? What about Emori? “ Clarke leans up against the big window to get a better look at Murphy. She now notices the bags under his eyes and the distant smell of alcohol and sweat. “What happened? “ She asks, trying to take his hand but he shrugs her off and turns away from her.

 

“Em’ has had enough. She decided that she deserves better than someone like me, someone without a job and without a real place to live other than under her roof where I don’t even pay rent. She wanted more and I couldn’t give that to her. “

 

“Shit, “ Clarke swears. “I’m sorry, Murphy. “

 

“Yeah, well it happens. Unless you’re high school sweethearts like you and Finn, of course. “ Clarke decides to let that comment slide, considering how Murphy must feel. Though, she has no idea how he feels. She’s never been broken up with, never had her heart broken in that way, never had someone she loved and trusted dump her, just to leave her alone forever.

 

“When did it happen? “ She asks, when she doesn’t know what else to say.

 

“A week and a half ago or something like that, don’t really remember. “ He shrugs.

 

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner? “

 

“So you could do what? Nothing will help- it doesn’t matter. “

 

“I- Murphy, don’t say that. She just- she just needs to clear her head, I think, understand what kind of situation you’re in and then you’ll figure it out, “ Clarke says and nods, though she doesn’t believe a word of it herself.

 

“Just come to the party tonight and don’t be late. “

 

“I’m not- “

 

“You’re always late, Clarke, “ He says and walks out of the office.

 

_____________________________

 

Clarke slides into her khaki green jeans with the massive pocket on the thigh, pulls on a grandfather shirt in grey and tops it all off with one of Finn’s old, navy blue bomber jackets. She ties her black boots loosely and tightens the hairband around her messy bun, letting the bottom half of her hair fall down to her shoulders. Her makeup is minimal, nothing more than a light, nude lipstick and an extra coat of mascara.

 

“Ready? “ Finn asks, grabbing his phone from the counter in his way to the front door of the apartment.

 

“Do I look okay? “ Clarke asks, looking at herself in the mirror as she adjusts a single strand of hair from her bun.

 

“You look great, “ He says, smiling before kissing her cheek.

 

_____________________________

 

You can hear the music from the stairs on their way up to Monty and Jaspers apartment. The crowd of people running around in the living room, greeting each other in hugs and kisses, sharing drinks and stories are overwhelming. Clarke already feels stunned by the amount of guests.

 

“Clarke mother-fucking Griffin! “ Octavia calls with a woo and pulls her in for a tight hug, almost spilling her pink, sparkly drink as she does so. “You look amazing, honey. “ Octavia grins. Her hair is tied up in a tight ponytail on the top back of her head, her coal-black hair falling over her bare shoulders. Clarke notices the knee length, black dress sitting tightly on her body, lace and sheer bits here and there. She looks like a million bucks next to Clarke.

 

“I didn’t know we were dressing so formal, “ Clarke says, now feeling wildly out of place.

 

“We’re not, “ Lincoln says, hugging Clarke briefly. “But you know Octavia, always finding an excuse to wear something hot. “

 

“I do look hot, “ Octavia says, more to Lincoln than to anybody else and they begin their journey of kissing each other in ways that make Clarke stare awkwardly at the floor and ceiling and everywhere else than at them.

 

“Let me be your savior, “ Monty says, taking Clarke’s hand and dragging her away from the two people attached to each other by their mouths.

 

“You’re the best, Monty, “ Clarke says, thankful. She shoots a look over her shoulder to the rest of the group, they’re all talking loudly about something funny, Finn is laughing and clapping his hands together, Jasper is telling the story and, there, in the middle of everybody, is Raven Reyes with her brown hair, brown skin and brown eyes, looking like the most beautiful version of herself. “You’re staring, “ Monty says suddenly, pushing a drink into Clarke’s hands.

 

“How can you not stare? Everybody’s staring, “ Clarke answers. The smile on Finn’s face is genuine, it’s wide and open and he can’t stop looking at her, at Raven.

 

“They’ve just missed her, we all have. It’s almost been a year since she left. “ Monty takes a sip of his own drink, nudging Clarke to also drink a little.

 

“He’s missed her, “ Clarke says and a soft smile slips onto her lips. It’s always been Monty she’s talked about this with, always him who’s understood and said the right things.

 

“You’re happy about that? “ Monty asks, obviously confused.

 

Clarke quickly shakes her head and looks around the room instead. “No, no… I’m just happy he’s happy, okay? Let’s- let’s party. Let’s get drunk and weird and let’s freak the rest of the guests out. “ She grins and Monty laughs, remembering the many memories of their previous parties.

 

_____________________________

 

It takes Clarke exactly three won games of beer pong, a couple rounds of shots and loose drinks here and there to reach the ‘everything’s funny, I’m not quite sure what’s going on or where I am’ stadium of drunk. When she looks at the time and sees that only a couple hours have passed, she gets impressed with herself as she downs another shot of something bubbly and blue.

 

“Slow it down, Griffin, “ Jasper says and laughs. “ _I_ can’t almost keep up. Hey, “ He says, when she tries to take another shot. “I said _almost_. “ He winks and downs the rest of the bottle, ignoring Monty’s sighs and expressions of disagree from behind him.

 

“And _I_ am the one who’s waking up next to you in the morning, Jasper. “ He complains and guides him to the bathroom with Jasper’s arm over his back to keep himself up.

 

Lincoln and Octavia are long gone, the door to Monty and Jasper’s bedroom closed and locked, giving their secret location away. Murphy’s standing in the kitchen, sulking his way into a deep whiskey addiction and shrugging at every girl trying to comfort him. Raven and Finn are in the other end of the living room, behind the many people who’re all dancing. Raven’s leaning in closer and closer to Finn, who slowly leans more and more backwards, though keeping his eyes steadily fixed on Raven’s dark red lips.

 

Clarke doesn’t know why she’s okay with what’s going on between them. She doesn’t know why she doesn’t hate the idea of the two of them, standing close and chatting in a corner for an entire night. She hates that she doesn’t hate it, she hates that she doesn’t want to stop them. So she leans back against the back of the couch, slides her legs up onto it and shuts her eyes for a moment.

 

_____________________________

 

 

“Lexa Woods! “ Jasper’s voice wakes Clarke with a bang. She sits up straight and pretends not to notice how she’s spilled her beer on the floor. When she looks at Raven and Finn, who’re still standing in almost the exact same positions as before she fell asleep, she guesses she’s only been out for a minute or two.

 

Clarke turns on the couch, looks past the people dancing and towards the front door. Her heart stops for a moment and she feels her hands going sweaty. A girl with long, brown, curly hair, smudged eyeliner and a messy outfit consisting of jeans and leather is standing there, greeting Jasper and Monty. Clarke can’t believe her own eyes, not a single part of her understands what is happening. Her whole body seems to be frozen, though it is with ease she’s walking towards them.

 

“Clarke, hey! “ Jasper says. He seems to feel much better now as he pulls Clarke in under his arm and kisses her scalp quickly. “You need to meet my friend here. “

 

Clarke turns her head from Jasper and to the woman in front of them. Her hands are folded in front of her, her eyes are cold and a dark green color. She’s not smiling or acting like she’s happy to be there in any way what so ever.

 

“Uh, hey. I’m Clarke Griffin, “ Clarke says and shakes the girl’s hand with a big smile. She tries not to look away, but the girl keeps her eyes fixed on everything but Clarke.

 

“Lexa, “ The girl says finally, forcing her eyes back on Clarke before looking away once again. Jasper skits away, followed by Monty who keeps looking over his shoulder at Clarke, as if he’s scared to leave her with their newest guest.

 

“So you work with Jasper? “ Clarke asks awkwardly.

 

“I do. “ Lexa’s voice is cold and deep, as if she’s getting over a rough cold. “And you’re one of his friends? “ Lexa asks. Clarke notes down how everything else in the room seems to be more interesting than herself, as Lexa looks out over the crowd of people one more time before taking half a second to look at Clarke.

 

“I am. “ The heat of the room is slowly getting to Clarke, she’s left her jacket somewhere in the kitchen and is now just wearing the loose, long sleeved shirt, fearing the amount of sweat stains she’ll end up with if she keeps being this nervous. “Have you- “

 

“I’m going to get something to drink, excuse me, “ Lexa says, nods and gives the slightest impression of a smile, before turning on Clarke and heading into the open kitchen.

 

“That was- “ Clarke shakes her head. “Great. “ She’s still tired and thinks to herself how she probably has mascara all around her eyes and lipstick on her teeth. She feels warm and icky and a part of her wants to go home. Finn and Raven are still chatting in the corner, laughing uncontrollably over something Clarke couldn’t pick up from the middle of the room.

 

Her stomach hurts and she doesn’t know if it’s the alcohol or the fact that her boyfriend is flirting with her friend and she doesn’t care that much about it.

 

_____________________________

 

“Truth or dare, “ Monty asks Jasper, their hands intertwined between them. The music has died out and people are either passed out or gone home. Only a few strangers, Monty and Jasper, Octavia and Lincoln, Finn and Clarke, Raven, Murphy and the new girl, Lexa, are left on the couch, playing games from when they were sixteen.

 

“Dare, “ Jasper asks and the entire group of people groans loudly.

 

“I dare you to… “ Monty thinks for a moment before grinning slightly.

 

“Just kiss and get it over with, “ Octavia says and throws a handful of chips at them. The two boys meet in a kiss, Jasper licking Monty’s lips dramatically as the others look away awkwardly.

 

“Lexa! “ Jasper says with a smile. Lexa looks like she’s just been picked to read out loud at school, not knowing where in the text they were at or even which text they were reading. “Truth or dare. “

 

“Oh, uh. I’m not playing, “ She says, eyes flicking from the table between them all and to Clarke.

 

“You have to, “ Jasper says. “It’s the rules of the club. Play or leave. “ And for a moment Clarke’s sure Lexa _would_ leave. But then Lexa takes a deep breath, puffs out her chest like a proud pigeon and smiles involuntarily.

 

“Fine, “ She says bitterly. “I pick… Truth. “

 

“Okay, let me see, “ Jasper says and quirks and eyebrow. “Which one of us, all of us here in this room, would you most likely _kiss_? “ Lexa’s smile fades, her cheeks go read for a moment before she picks herself up again.

 

“Not you if that’s what you’re implying, “ She says. Clarke can’t help but to laugh and quickly the rest of the group joins in, mocking Jasper’s shocked and hurtful expressions. The game goes on as Octavia dares Raven to take off her shirt, as Finn talks about the last time he peed himself, as Lincoln gets Clarke to down a beer in one go.

 

_____________________________

 

Finn passes out on the couch and Clarke quickly gives up on getting him home. “It’d be safer just to leave him here for tomorrow, “ She tells Jasper who agrees with a kind smile. “You look like hell, dude. Maybe we should call it a night? “ She asks and the group agrees. Octavia and Lincoln leave quickly, kissing theatrically on their way out the door and down the stairs. Then, soon after, Raven disappears with a wave, Murphy – who’s been pouting most of the night – crashes on the floor by the TV, the rest of the guests have already left as Clarke helps throwing out empty cans and bottles.

 

“We got the rest, thank you, “ Monty says with a smile. He spins around as Jasper puts his arms around him, giving Jasper a quick peck before bursting out laughing. “Why are you wearing your goggles? “

 

“Thought they’d look cool. It’s not very nice to laugh at your own boyfriend, you know. Not cool, dude! “ Jasper says and walks away with a pouty face, Monty running after him to repair the damage he’d made.

 

“He’s a strange guy, “ Lexa says and Clarke gives a small jump at the sight of her. Clarke hadn’t even seen her walk into the messy kitchen. She’s carrying red plastic cups and empty bowls stacked on each other.

 

Clarke nods, not knowing what to say or do. She continues to fill the dishwasher with glasses and things and cleans the counter from all sorts of mysterious liquids.

 

“I’m sorry, “ Lexa says. She’s standing in the doorway to the living room, looking Clarke up and down with soft eyes. “For, uh, for not being very… Accommodating. “

 

“Big word, “ Clarke says and smiles slightly.

 

“I- yeah. I’m not very good with meeting new people like this, “ Lexa says. She’s folding her hands in and out, fiddling with the small rings that decorate her long, skinny fingers.

 

“What do you mean meeting people who’re already super drunk and _way_ too comfortable with each other isn’t _perfect_? “ Clarke jokes and Lexa breathes out a puff of air as a laughs.

 

“People do seem to have had fun tonight. “ There’s something strange about Lexa, Clarke thinks to herself. Lexa is standing there, straight back and calm face, resting against the doorway and looking like she could own the world if she wanted to. But her fingers are slightly shaking, her hands look like they’re having their own separate panic attack as they change the rings’ location from finger to finger and her words seemed to have been picked carefully, not wanting to mispronounce or stutter.

 

“Yeah, it was great. Uh, did you have fun? “ Clarke asks and she regrets it immediately, because, of course, did Lexa not have fun. She came hours later to a party filled with people she didn’t know, she hasn’t had anything to drink or anyone to talk to and she’s been on her own for most of the night. Clarke knows all of this because from the moment Lexa stepped through the front door behind her, Clarke’s been keeping her eyes on her.

 

“It was… Interesting, “ Lexa says and tries to sound genuine, Clarke can tell. “Do you live nearby? Just, uh, if you’d like a ride home or something? I haven’t been drinking, don’t worry. “

 

“Sure, why not. I- I should probably just check to see if Finn is awake, or, you know, breathing. “ Clarke laughs. Lexa steps aside from the doorway and lets Clarke through. Clarke leans over the mess of a boyfriend on the couch. She takes his hand and calls his name a few times, he mumbles in response and she can’t help but to laugh. “He’s not going anywhere right now, “ Clarke says and looks at Lexa by the door.

 

“Is he your boyfriend? “ Lexa asks. Clarke doesn’t blame her for not knowing. Normally people guess who the couples are throughout the night, Octavia and Lincoln are always connected by their mouths and Jasper and Monty can’t go five seconds without looking at each other in awe. With Finn and Clarke, well, with them they might as well be strangers.

 

“He is, yes. “ Clarke states.

 

“How long have you been together? “ Lexa asks, not even trying to hide her surprise from Clarke’s answer. The picture of Finn and Clarke together is obviously not making sense to her and Clarke can’t help but to think it’s because Finn’s spent the entire night in Raven’s gaze.

 

“Eleven years. “

 

Lexa’s mouth drops open in shock, her eyes go big for a moment before she collects herself again, pulling on her oversized leather jacket with a swift move. “You must really be in love, “ She says.

 

“I love him, yeah, “ Clarke says, because she doesn’t know anymore if there’s a difference between loving someone and being in love.

 

_____________________________

 

There’s no traffic at three in the morning, only a couple of cars pass their way, a few people, too, getting home from parties. A soft light is over the sky, it’s mostly dark, only lit up by the bright moon above.

 

“Thank you for driving me home, “ Clarke says over the semi loud music playing from the radio. It’s an old 90’s hit she remembers from when she was a kid.

 

“You’re very welcome, “ Lexa says and makes a right, doing as Clarke says. “You were planning on walking home, though? “

 

“I probably was. I wouldn’t have gotten very far, “ Clarke answers and laughs a little. Her head feels heavy and the sudden change from a party to an, almost, silent car makes her realize the amount of alcohol running through her body. She’s still drunk. “What do you do for a living? “ Clarke asks.

 

“I- I’m Jasper’s boss, “ Lexa answers.

 

“Shit, you are? “ Clarke almost yells, leaning forward in her seat to look at Lexa.

 

“No, “ Lexa laughs. “But it would’ve been really cool of that was true. No, I actually just got a job in his department. You know, he’s working in the communication department of the company ‘CoL’ and I’m… I’m pretty much the ‘bringer of coffee’ or their cleaning lady. “

 

“Sounds almost as horrible as my job, “ Clarke says and lifts an eyebrow.

 

“Hit me, “ Lexa says and smirks slightly, the first sign of a genuine smile all night.

 

“I work at this big company with a billion departments, all doing animations or drawings or whatever for other companies- “

 

“That sounds really cool- “

 

“Uh, no. Because, I got a promotion last month that now forces me to sit in an office all day, listening to other people come up with these, pardon my French, shitty ideas about monkeys on bikes or how Tiffany once again stole someone’s pencils, “ Clarke says and dumps back against her seat, sighing loudly.

 

“Well, in Tiffany’s defense, pencils _can_ be pretty expensive, “ Lexa says, followed by, what Clarke thinks only can be, a laugh.

 

“Yeah, well… “ Clarke shakes her head. “I don’t even get to touch a pencil or a paintbrush or a computer where I’m doing something else than write emails to people or make sure we can afford more pencils because of _Tiffany_ , “ Clarke says. She feels like they’ve stopped driving, but when she looks out through the window the city is flying by.

 

“You get to come home to a special someone everyday, though, “ Lexa says and makes a left, stopping for the few people to cross the street. Clarke looks at her, like, _really_ looks at her. She sees the curve of her lips and how her eyes are forced on the road, she sees how the smudged eyeliner now looks like grey eye shadow on her hooded lids, she sees how her knuckles are white from holding the steering wheel so tightly. She sees how naturally pretty the girl sitting next to her is. And then she feels the pain in her chest and stomach as she thinks about Finn on the couch, not knowing about the thoughts going through Clarke’s head at this very moment.

 

Lexa clears her throat, slicing up Clarke’s thoughts with a right turn and stops the car. “Here we are, “ She says, keeping her eyes straight ahead.

 

“Here we are, “ Clarke repeats. Neither of them do anything, both just sit there, listening to the nothingness of the car as people walk by outside, wooing and listening to blasting phones’ music. “Thank you, again, for driving me home. You really didn’t have to- “

 

“Oh, it was nothing, “ Lexa says and the corners of her mouth twitches slightly, before falling back into that relaxed state they’ve been throughout the evening.

 

“Would- would it be too weird if I asked for your phone number? Not that I’m- I just- I just think you seem like a cool person and… I don’t know. I’m probably still pretty drunk, “ Clarke laughs and shrugs slightly, opening the car door to get out.

 

“No, no. It’s fine, here. Give me your phone, “ Lexa says, the gratefulness spreading across her slim face. Clarke does as she’s told, unlocking it before giving it to Lexa. Their fingers brush slightly and Clarke feels the pain in her chest and stomach even harder.

 

_Finn’s on a couch, passed out and super drunk. Finn, boyfriend of eleven years, is somewhere else and you’re here, talking or dreaming or fantasizing about someone else, some girl._

 

“Here, “ Lexa says, giving back the phone. Clarke slams the car door shut, keeping a hand on it where the window would be if it had been up. But it’s down and Lexa’s still staring through it, keeping a painful eye contact with Clarke through the open hole between them. “Invite me out for coffee sometime, “ Lexa says and then, as if Clarke hadn’t suffered enough, she smiles and her eyes turn from a cold, dark green to something so bright and light and warm, Clarke can’t help but to stare so deep into them she feels lost.

 

“I will, “ She answers before the car drives away, slowly down the road, with her heart in it.


	2. Chapter 2

Throughout Clarke’s many years of drinking she’s had her good share of hangovers. The one she wakes up with on Saturday morning, in bed by her own, is the worst she’s had so far. Her head is like an explosion of thumping, her eyes are glued shut from sleep, her breath could kill a million flowers, but, worst of all is, the sinking sensation she feels in her chest and stomach, as she recalls the memories and happenings of last night.

 

Her phone is by her bedside, shining a bright light into her room. Clarke grumbles, moves slightly to look at it, but decides not to. If it’s the new contact on it, the new person filling her body with a weird sensation she cannot recall ever having felt before, she doesn’t want to see it.

 

Just the way her heart skips a beat from remembering her name, _Lexa_ , makes Clarke hate herself.

 

So, with long, slow steps she jumps out of bed and into the shower, letting the steaming hot water run over her icky skin. Her hair is left in lousy curls as it drips, making the blue color of her nightgown darker. She fills her stomach with the leftover pizza from Finn’s ‘cooking’ and laughs at the funny bits of the TV-show she’s landed upon.

 

But even after an hour of avoiding the phone, it’s still shining lights through the crack of the bedroom door. “Shit, “ She mumbles to herself as she walks into the messy room. She reads through the texts quickly, her hands sweaty and her heart in her throat.

 

_From: Finn_

_Hey, just woke up. The boys and I are going down town today, you okay? Got home safe? See you tonight :)_

_From: Octavia_

_Saw Finn and Raven together all of last night. Are you okay? Do you want to talk about it? Xx_

_From: Jasper_

_Finn threw up on the floor. Just thought you should know._

She has to do something, she knows that. She can’t sit around in her apartment all day, just looking at her phone and doing nothing else. Then another text comes in and her heart skips for a moment as she reads the name.

 

_From: Lexa from the party_

_You owe me coffee and I could really use one right now._

Clarke drops her phone on her bed and shuts her eyes. _Shit_ , she thinks as she opens them again, rereading the text over and over. She shouldn’t do it. She shouldn’t go anywhere with this girl, not when her head is all over the place and not when Finn has no idea what kind of thoughts are running through Clarke right now.

 

_To: Lexa from the party  
Hello, Lexa from the party. It’s not even that late yet – why in the world do you already need coffee? _

_From: Lexa from the party_

_Well, Clarke from the party, I’m almost outside your apartment and I figured you could use a little pick me up anyway. Your boyfriend can come, too, if he’s home?_

_To: Lexa from the party_

_He’s not._

_From: Lexa from the party_

_Then it’s just to two of us._

_To: Lexa from the party_

_I guess it is._

_From: Lexa from the party_

_I’m there in ten minutes._

_To: Lexa from the party_

_Okay._

Her hands are shaking – Clarke’s hands are _actually_ shaking just from texting this girl… This girl with wonderful hair so messy and so big, like she’s given up on it a long time ago and just lets it do its thing. _Don’t do it,_ she thinks to herself. _Call Octavia_.

 

“O’? “ Clarke says and sits down on her bed.

 

“Yes, Clarke? “ Octavia mumbles and Clarke guesses her hangover must be at least three times as bad as Clarke’s.

 

“I might be doing something bad and I need your help, “ Clarke says. “Listen, I talked to Lexa last night – Jasper’s work buddy – and she drove me home and stuff. I got her number- “

 

“Clarke Griffin, are you planning to hook up with- “

 

“No! No, Octavia, I wouldn’t do that to Finn. Listen, she’s just really nice and there’s something about her and I can’t- I can’t help but feel like what I’m doing is wrong, you know? Like, I shouldn’t actually be going to get coffee with her- “

 

“You’re getting coffee with her? Now? “

 

“I am, “ Clarke says and sighs.

 

“Well, “ Octavia stutters. “Finn- Finn’s actually not just out with the boys, you know. I mean, he _is_ \- Look, it’s Finn, Lincoln, Jasper and Monty and- “

 

“Raven? “ Clarke asks and her heart sinks. Why wouldn’t her tell her Raven’s there too?

 

“Yeah. Clarke, if you really like this girl- “

 

“I don’t even know her, “ Clarke complains. “She’s going to be here soon, I have to go. If- I’ll have a talk with Finn later about- about all of this, O’. “

 

“Okay, good idea. But, hey, going for coffee isn’t cheating, Clarke. It’s not wrong just to hang out with her. “ Clarke can hear Octavia’s obvious concern, though she decides not to poke the bear and just agrees with her. She wants to have a great time with Lexa and not worry about Finn. Though, she can’t help but to focus on the pain in her chest as she thinks about him and Raven, and how he must feel if he knew about her thoughts on Lexa.

 

_____________________________

 

“You look nice, “ Lexa says as the first thing. Though, as Clarke looks herself up and down and hates the fact that she wore her washed-out jeans and oversized hoodie, she smiles at Lexa’s comment.

 

“Thanks, “ Clarke says as they walk down the busy street. People are walking everywhere around them, crossing the street as they’re on the phone, yelling at someone. “Did you just move here? When you got the new job, I mean? “ Clarke can feel her heart in her throat at she speaks.

 

“I did. I used to live… “ Lexa shakes her head slightly. “Very far away, “ She says quickly. “This tiny town, you wouldn’t know it. But, uh, yeah. I just moved here a couple months ago, got the job and, well, now I’m here. “ She smiles slightly, covering the forced words she spoke.

 

Clarke nods and smiles, she feels lost for words, not knowing what to ask and what to answer. She feels like every breath she takes in Lexa’s presence is a small lie to Finn. But then she thinks about his lie, about how he didn’t tell her that Raven would be with them and how she had to hear it from Octavia.

 

“Clarke? “ Lexa asks. “Are you all right? “ She takes a step in front of Clarke, forcing to stop walking. She looks her in the eyes and Clarke can’t get her words out. The green in them is light and bright and she feels like it’s too much to just look at her.

 

“Yeah- yeah, I’m fine. Uh, we’re almost at the coffee shop. Let’s just keep walking, “ Clarke hurries to say and pushes her way past Lexa, ignoring her blushing cheeks and sweaty fingers in the pockets of her jacket.

 

_____________________________

 

The shop is big and busy, the buzzing noises from the people all around them fill the air and Clarke is grateful for the excuse to not talk for a moment as they sip each their mug of coffee. Clarke’s topped with a mountain of whipped cream and Lexa keeps looking questionable at it, as if it surely couldn’t be a real drink.

 

“You’re really staring, you know. Maybe you would’ve like whipped cream, too? “ Clarke says eventually, but Lexa just simply smiles and shakes her head, putting down her big mug and resting her hands in her lap. She’s wearing tight, black jeans and big army jacket with embroidered patterns and patches here and there. Her hair is loose around her face, hanging in big curls over her shoulders and chest. She opens her mouth as to say something, but closes it slowly again, looking away at the line of people behind them.

 

“Are you scared someone will see you? “ Lexa asks suddenly and when Clarke raises an eyebrow she continues. “Since we’re sitting as far away from everyone else as possible and you keep looking at the people coming in. Are you scared people will see you? “

 

Clarke puts down her mug, letting go of the thick handle slowly before meeting Lexa’s piercing eyes. “I- I don’t normally drink coffee here. I’m just taking in my surroundings- “

 

“Ah, of course. Clarke Griffin, an explorer, “ Lexa says and smiles half a smile, nothing compared to the one she let slip last night.

 

Clarke feels the bubbles in her stomach, her hands shaking and her legs going numb. _Just because Finn’s out with Raven doesn’t mean it’s okay to… To…_ But Clarke doesn’t know how to end her thoughts, because she doesn’t know what she wants. Well, she _knows_ what she wants, but she doesn’t want it like _this_.

 

“Something’s wrong, Clarke. Should I not have invited you out for coffee? I mean- you could’ve said no if you didn’t- “

 

“No, no, no. That’s not- it’s not that. It’s just- “ Clarke shakes her head and buries her face in her hands. “I feel like I shouldn’t be out… With you. And it’s silly and weird, I know. But- but I’m seeing Finn and he’s great and I love him, but- “ She stops talking.

 

“Why shouldn’t you be out with me? “ Lexa asks. A hurtful expression spread across her face, as if Clarke had just offended her. A ball of something heavy lands in Clarke’s stomach, she reaches across the table for Lexa’s hand, but chooses to leave it alone.

 

“Because- “ _Because you’re so pretty and it’s wrong for me to even think about that. Because I shouldn’t be this nervous about getting coffee with someone I’ve just met. Because I’m scared you’re going to be the end of me._ “Because Finn’s out with some of his friends and I actually agreed to meet with them. “

 

“Oh, “ Lexa says and there’s not a single inch of her face that shows understanding. “Of course. Then I won’t keep you here any longer. “ She slides out of her seat and puts on her army jacket, leaving it open even though the wind is rough and cold outside.

 

“I didn’t- I didn’t mean it… Like that, “ Clarke tries, but Lexa’s already heading for the glass doors, her steps long and graceful. Someone pushes their way past Clarke, forcing her to step aside closer to Lexa, Clarke laughs shortly, though Lexa’s mouth is tied shut.

 

“Thanks for the coffee, “ Lexa says finally and looks down the street. Clarke wants to say something, wants to do something to stop Lexa from leaving like that, without a smile or a speck of happiness in her. But she can’t, she doesn’t know how.

 

“You’re- you’re welcome. “ Clarke smiles slightly, but Lexa doesn’t even flinch. Her eyes are stone cold against her warm skin, specks of mascara beneath them. “Are you okay? “ Clarke asks suddenly. She notices the slight pinks in the whites of Lexa’s eyes, the way she’s sniffling faintly and how here hands are quivering – though, that could be from the cold.

 

Lexa looks at Clarke, puffing her chest out and straightening her back, as if Clarke had just offended her once again. She lifts her chin slightly and folds her hands behind her back. “I’m perfectly fine, “ She says, as if it was nothing more but three words she’d rehearsed since she was little.

 

“I’m sorry we didn’t have more time to hang out- “ Clarke tries, but Lexa cuts her off with a forced smile.

 

“It’s fine, really. I’ll probably see you around. “

 

And then, with a quick turn on her heels, Lexa walks away from Clarke with those long steps and that slight swing of her hips. And Clarke feels exactly the same as she did last night, when Lexa drove away from her – lost.

 

_____________________________

 

“Octavia? You better be home, “ Clarke says as she knocks on Octavia’s front door.

 

“Did you really need to call me when you’re already here- “ Octavia says, getting cut off when Clarke storms into the tiny living room and lands on the couch with a big sigh. “Is your little coffee date with that Lexa-girl already over? “

 

“I left. Well, I told her I had to go and then she got really weird and hurt and- “ Clarke shakes her head into the soft, fuzzy pillow she landed on. “There’s something seriously wrong with me, Octavia. I- I have this amazing boyfriend and still, I feel like I just _have_ to mess shit up and go out with some _girl_. Why do I do these things? Why can’t I just be happy with what I’ve got? “ Clarke looks at Octavia, waiting for an answer, but Octavia just shakes her head slowly.

 

“You’re not in a good relationship, Clarke- “

 

“I am, though! We’ve been together for eleven years, O’, it’s- “

 

“But, Clarke, “ Octavia says, “just because you’ve been together for that long, doesn’t mean it’s a good relationship. Honestly, from what I can see when you’re with Finn, you’re not even really dating anymore. You’re just- you’re just _together_. It’s not making either of you happy, Clarke. You need to talk to him about these things, about how he’s acting around Raven and how you’re not even the slightest upset about that- “

 

“I am, O’! I’m- I’m hurt that he didn’t feel the need to tell me that he’s hanging out with Raven today. But- but he’s so happy when he’s with her, Octavia. I can’t- I can’t just tell him to fucking not be! “ Clarke sighs. She slides over, giving Octavia room to sit down, too.

 

“I’ve given you the same advice for over a year now, Clarke. I can’t do much more for you, I can’t just fix your relationship. _You_ \- _both_ of you need to fix it. You both need to find out what you want and what you don’t want. If you can’t be together anymore, then maybe that’s not the worst thing in the world, Clarke. If you’re going to be unhappy for the rest of your life, then maybe it’s for the best to just stop doing this now. “

 

“ _God_ , “ Clarke says and grumbles a bit, pushing Octavia with her foot. “I hate it when you’re smart. “

 

“I’m always smart, Clarke. You’re just not always listening, “ Octavia answers with a smirk.

 

_____________________________

 

She’s sitting on the couch, straight up with her feet on the ground in front of her. She’s running through the words in her head, trying to come up with some way to say these things without sounding like she’s breaking up with him, because she’s not. She doesn’t want it to end, she doesn’t even like saying she doesn’t want it to end.

 

“Clarke? “ Finn calls as he walks inside. He drops his backpack on the floor, his phone and keys on the counter next to him and throws his jacket on the hook by the long mirror. He looks tired, sleepy. _Maybe it could wait until tomorrow_ , Clarke thinks. _No, it’s now or never_.

 

“We need to talk, “ She says and flinches at the seriousness of her words.

 

“O- okay? What’s the matter- what’s happened? “ He asks and sits down next to her, taking her hand gently. He’s fingers are freezing cold against hers and she can just imagine how numb they must be.

 

“I’m not breaking up with you- “

 

“Well, that’s nice. “ He smiles.

 

“But, there’re some things we need to talk about. I’m- I’m scared you’re not happy… with me. I’m scared… you’re not as happy when you’re around me compared to when you’re with Raven- “

 

“Clarke- “

 

“No, listen, “ She says and looks him in the eyes. Big, bluish bags have formed under them, he looks like he could fall asleep standing up. “You were with Raven all of last night, pretty much. I saw how you guys were laughing and joking around, how you were smiling and giggling and- and you looked so happy. Happier than I’ve seen you for a very long time- “

 

“That’s not- “

 

“Finn, “ She says, “just listen, please. “ She takes a deep breath, folds both of her hands around Finn’s and exhales slowly. “I love you and I know you love me, too. But- I’m not happy… anymore. “ A single tear falls from Finn’s cheek and Clarke can feel her heart break inside her chest, how it’s shattering as she breathes in and out. “And- and I’m scared that… If I don’t say something now, then I won’t ever say something and I won’t ever be okay- and neither would you! “ She adds as he turns away from her, looking around the room, anywhere than at her.

 

“Finn, “ She says. “I want this to be perfect- I want this relationship to last forever, but- but I’m scared it shouldn’t. So, “ She says and takes a deep breath. “I’m giving you a chance to be happy. If you want to be with Raven, if you want to choose her over me, then- then I’m okay with it. I understand that people fall out of love sometimes and I understand that love can’t always be stronger than everything else. I understand if you love her more- “

 

“You’re talking nonsense, “ He says, turning to look at her again. His cheeks are lined with tears, his eyes puffy and his mouth hanging open between his words. “I don’t want anyone but you- “

 

“But that’s not true, Finn! “ Clarke says, raising her voice unexpectedly. “I’ve seen the way you look at her and the way you are around her. And I’m okay with it! I- I just want you to be happy and you’re not happy when you’re with me! It pains me to say that, to think these things and to know I’m not giving you what you want and need- “

 

“You’re giving me so much more, Clarke. For eleven years you’ve been giving me everything I’ve ever wanted! “ He says, standing up and looking down at her. His long hair is messy around his head, a crease between his eyebrows is showing, making his shaky voice and appearance even more painful.

 

“But now you need something else, “ Clarke whispers. “Don’t make this any harder, okay? “

 

“So this is it? “ He says, walking to the kitchen and supporting his weight on the counter. “You’re actually breaking up with me? Because- because you think I’m not happy around you? “

 

“Y- yes. Well, no. Listen, “ Clarke says and gets up. “I’m not breaking up with you- I’m just giving you- both of us – a chance to be happier with someone else- “

 

Finn suddenly laughs a painful laugh and spins around to see Clarke, the broken girl in front of him. “So you’ve met someone else? That’s why you’re saying this- doing this? You’re trying to act like the good guy here- “

 

“No! “ Clarke lies. “No, Finn, no! I’m- Why can’t you see I’m doing this for _you_? I’m trying to tell you that if- if we stop now, then we can both have a happy life! You’re not going to be happy around me- not forever! I can see a future for you and Raven- “

 

“Fuck this, Clarke. Fuck… Fuck you, Clarke. I thought- “ He shakes his head and wipes his eyes with the palms of his hands, biting down on his bottom lip, hard. “I thought it was you and me- “

 

“It _was_ , Finn! It’s always been the two of us, but- why can’t you see this? Why don’t you understand? You have feelings for Raven and you’ve had feelings for her for over a year! She fucking kissed you, Finn! “ Clarke yells. “She kissed you and you told me because you’re the best goddamn person ever! But I know- I know that you like her and I know that you wished you could be with her and- and if you had been any other guy, you wouldn’t have told me about the kiss and you wouldn’t have walked away from Raven. But you’re so amazing and I love you so much- “

 

“Then don’t do this, “ He whispers, his voice shaking badly under his forced words.

 

“I have to, “ Clarke says. “Because you’ve done some incredible things for me and I have to do this for you. It’s my turn to help you. “

 

“Clarke, “ He whispers, taking a step towards her.

 

“I love you, “ She says, hugging him tightly and disappearing into his warm chest. She feels him kissing the top of her head, whispering words into her hair. She lets go, kisses him on the cheek one last time and then turns away.

 

“Clarke, “ He whispers as she grabs her jacket, phone and keys and disappears through the front door. Once it’s shut behind her she feels the weight of the words. She collapses on the ground, the rough carpet of the apartment hallway beneath her shaking hands, her cries stuck in her throat as she tries to force them down, tries not to do this now and here.

 

But she doesn’t know where else she should be or go, she doesn’t know why she’s even here. All she needs to do is turn around and walk back inside to him, to Finn. But she can’t, she made her choice and now there’s no going back. So she picks herself up and walks down the many stairs and outside, the cold wind sending energy through her body like nothing else.

 

She did the right thing, she knows that.


	3. Chapter 3

It’s as if Clarke’s stepped into a bad, teen movie. The rain is suddenly pouring down around her, soaking her denim jacket and making her jeans too tight. Lights are bleeding out around her as she squints through the heavy rain to make out where exactly she is. After running out of the apartment building and down the street, she’s now somewhere in town she’s never been before.

 

She buttons her jacket and digs her hands into the wet pockets, pretending that would help against her shivering fingers. Then, with short, quick steps, she marches down a street she carefully picked based on its many lights and colors, hoping this wouldn’t be the day of breaking up with her boyfriend _and_ getting mugged and/or killed in the streets.

 

If she hadn’t looked up for a second to make sure the shadows in front of her weren’t possible murderers, she’d walked straight into the, now open, glass door to a small, pink-lit diner. To play it cool, she shrugs slightly and heads inside.

 

There’s warmth and soft music playing, people are muttering words or ruffling their wet newspapers as they sip their coffees or vintage milkshakes. Clarke checks the date on her phone, just to make sure she hasn’t travelled back in time. The neon lights, the rude waitress who also looks like the mother-figure Clarke’s wanted for most of her life, the odd costumers and the feeling of belonging straight away makes Clarke feel like the possibility of being in a teen movie might be true.

 

“Are you ordering or just standing there dripping on my floor, sweetie? “ The woman asks, her voice growling slightly and her eyes heavy with smeared eyeliner. Her lips are thin and there’s a faint line of lipstick on the outer rim of them.

 

“Uh, what’s the most chocolaty thing you serve? “ Clarke asks and ignores the lifted eyebrow from the lady.

 

“We make a chocolate milkshake and, if you feel like having a heart attack, we can do extra whipped cream, chocolate sprinkles, chocolate waffles and everything else chocolate we own? “ The lady says and, there in the corner of her mustache-prickled mouth, is a faint smile.

 

“I like the sound of that, “ Clarke says and sniffles slightly.

 

“Want a blanket, too? “

 

“Uh, yes- “

 

“I was joking, sweetie. “ The woman turns around, yells the order to the chef – who asks if it’s for real, like, five times – and then continues to read a magazine. “I’ll bring it to you. Just, go sit down somewhere. “

 

“Oh, sure. “ Clarke spins around on her heel and heads for the booth the furthest away. She takes off her jacket and enjoys the warm heat rising inside of her. When her fingers stop being numb and she can actually move them again, she takes her phone out and looks at the messages.

 

_From: Finn_

_Clarke, think about what you’re doing and come back. Please._

_From: Octavia_

_Finn told Lincoln who told me. Where are you? Come over, Clarke. Don’t be alone right now. I love you xx_

_From: Jasper_

_Lexa talked about your coffee-date. Why does she already hate you? Anyway, tell Finn to give me my hoodie back. (it’s actually Monty’s and he’s going to kill me if I loose it)_

She slides her phone across the table and rests her head on it. It hurts her forehead and it’s cold, but she doesn’t care. Of all the things that have happened in the past twenty-four hours, she can’t decide what’s worst. Right now, it feels like all the happenings of the party, the coffee-date, the break-up and the pain she’s feeling in her toes and fingers are all piling on top of one another, crushing her harder and harder with every breath she takes.

 

“Here you go, sweetie, “ The lady says and places the monstrosity of a milkshake in front of Clarke, smiling kindly down to her. “You okay, honey? “ She asks. All the nicknames and nice words normally make Clarke barf – no stranger should speak like that – but since she’s just decided to leave her life alone and focus on this movie-like adventure she’s on, she chooses to ignore the nicknames and just smiles nicely to her.

 

“Yeah, thank you. “

 

“Mhm, well, okay, then. Tell me if you need something, okay, sugar? “ That one almost, _almost_ made Clarke barf for real. She nods politely and begins the mountain of chocolate mini-waffles with whipped cream and other little surprising bits.

 

_____________________________

 

If someone was to cut open Clarke’s stomach at this very moment, they would find nothing but milkshake, chocolate and sprinkles – _later_ they would find that Clarke also had intestines. She feels so full she can’t move. She can barely grab her phone from across the slim table and check the tens of hundreds of messages she’s received in the thirty minutes of sitting there.

 

_From: Octavia_

_Clarke Griffin. Please, please, please, PLEASE call me or text me. I’ll leave you alone when I know you’re alive, PLEASE._

_From: Finn_

_Don’t do this, Clarke. You’ve just had a long day – it’s okay. We’re going to talk about this, please, Clarke. I love you so much._

_From: Octavia_

_I’m going to call the police._

Clarke shuts her eyes for a moment and takes a deep breath. No way in hell is she going to see Finn right now. Just seeing and thinking his name makes Clarke’s chest hurt and her head spin. If she’s going to stay strong, fight through the aching pain in her body, she needs to not be with him. You can’t fix Rome by just pretending it’s fine – or whatever the saying is.

 

_To: Octavia_

_I’m alive._

_From: Octavia_

_Now, please, come over. You’re staying here tonight, okay?_

_To: Octavia_

_Can I?_

_From: Octavia_

_OF COURSE_

_To: Octavia_

_I don’t even know where I am right now._

_From: Octavia_

_Send the address to Lincoln. We’ll drive out to get you._

_____________________________

 

Sitting in the comfort of one of Octavia’s million blankets, a cup of tea and a Disney Classic on the TV is exactly what Clarke doesn’t want. She doesn’t want this comfort, this niceness around her. She doesn’t deserve to be the one snuggling up with her friends. She deserves to be left outside in the cold, banging on people’s doors for a place to sleep. She deserves to feel the pain she’s caused-

 

“Stop over-thinking, “ Octavia says with a stern voice. “You’re going to chew off your lip if you keep doing that. “

 

Clarke lets her bottom lip free from her front teeth and sighs deeply. She puts down the cup and pushes off the blanket. “I shouldn’t be cared about like this, O’. Finn should be cared about. _He_ should be the one with the tea and blanket and- “

 

“Oh, _shut up_ , Clarke, “ Octavia says, “just try to be sad for a little while, okay? Stop thinking about him or anyone. Just- be sad about breaking up with him. “

 

“I just want to sleep. Can you cover for me at work tomorrow? “ Clarke asks and smiles hopefully at Octavia, putting her hands together in a prayer.

 

“I’ll tell everyone you have diarrhea, “ Octavia says, kissing the top of Clarke’s head before disappearing into the bedroom, Lincoln already in there and snoring loudly.

 

“You’re the worst! “ Clarke calls.

 

_____________________________

 

Never in Clarke’s life has she slept so horribly. She feels like she’s been beaten up, her body hurting all over every time she twists and turns. When she yawns loudly the next morning, Octavia and Lincoln already having left for work, she feels drained, almost ill-like. Her head is heavy on her shoulders, her legs are sore and her stomach and chest hurt. Her phone is dead on the coffee table, the couch is a mess from the pillows she’s throws everywhere throughout the night and she, herself, looks and smells terribly.

 

There’s a note of the counter from Octavia and Clarke reads through it slowly.

 

_Hey Clarke.  
Try to get outside and get some fresh air. Lincoln’s texted Finn – he’s going to work today so you can probably stop by your apartment and grab some stuff if you feel like it. Also, Raven called me this morning to ask about what’s happened. Everyone knows, by the way. Lincoln’s not good with texting (he made a group chat)_

_(it’s me, Lincoln. Sorry about the group chat, I’m an idiot. There’s coffee on the counter and ice cream in the fridge)_

_WE LOVE YOU_

Clarke can’t help but smile. But, it’s like the muscles used for smiling are too close to the muscles used for crying and suddenly little teardrops are spilling onto the sweet note. And then it all comes. Clarke heaps for air, supporting her weight on the white kitchen counter as she tries to stop the tears running down her cheeks and neck.

 

It hurts everywhere. She remember how, when she was younger, if she’d done something wrong, like broken a fancy vase, her stomach would hurt until she’d told her parents about it. She felt the guilt of ruining something they liked and now, well, now she feels the guilt of ruining a relationship that could’ve gone on for years and years.

 

_Was it a mistake?_ The sentence runs through her head over and over again as she wanders around the clean apartment, not knowing what to do with herself. _Did I really break up with Finn because of some other girl? Because of an idea of him liking someone else? He hadn’t even told me he liked her. It was something I’d told him._

 

She ends up on the couch, watching TV as loud as her ears can bare, hoping it would stop the horrible thoughts coming through. But it’s like no matter how loud the TV is or how much you eat or how bad you try to sleep, the thoughts are always there and they’re always horribly mean.

 

_____________________________

 

It’s as she runs the bath and drops a mixture of different soaps and bubbly things she remembers Jasper’s text from yesterday. Her phone is on the little stand next to the tub, she reaches for it and reads the text again.

 

_From: Jasper_

_Lexa talked about your coffee-date. Why does she already hate you? Anyway, tell Finn to give me my hoodie back. (it’s actually Monty’s and he’s going to kill me if I loose it)_

 

Clarke reads it again and again, especially the first bit - the bit that she remembered. _Why does she already hate you?_ Clarke puts the phone back on the stand and dives under the water. She comes up again, looks at the phone and feels her eyes stinging – she decides it’s from the soaps and things and not from the tears slowly blending in with the bath water on her cheeks. She takes a deep breath and goes under again, feeling and hearing the bubbles escape to the surface of the water as she cries loudly.

 

Clarke’s felt many loses, only one big enough for her to compare anything to. The loss of her father when she was young was, and is, the most painful thing she’s ever experienced. This, the pain of losing – but not really – Finn, is a second.

 

_____________________________

 

At midday Clarke decides to no longer sit at her friends’ apartment and cry. She needs to fix her problems and she needs to do it now. So she grabs her phone and dials Lexa’s number quickly.

 

“Clarke, “ Lexa says. She sounds surprised, but she fixes her tone and is suddenly back with determination. “I’m at work right now. Is everything okay? “

 

“I- “ Clarke did not expect the kindness. “I- actually, no. Everything is _not_ okay. I’m sorry I was such a jerk yesterday. I had a lot on my mind and I was messing up things without even doing anything- “

 

“Clarke, you don’t have to apologies. I understand- “

 

“No, no, “ Clarke mutters. She sits down on the edge of the couch and fiddles with a string on her ripped jeans. “I want to make it up to you and I need to get out of this apartment anyway. But- but you’re at work, shit. “

 

“I can take a break, “ Lexa says. “Jasper probably won’t kill me. “ Clarke imagines she’s smiling, because she likes the thought of that. “I can pick you up at your apartment in ten minutes? “

 

“I’m actually not home. I’m at Octavia’s place. I’ll send you the address- “

 

“Why are you there? “ Lexa asks. Clarke can hear the distant mumbling of other people.

 

“I’ll tell you when you get here. “

 

_____________________________

 

Lexa’s wearing black jeans, a blue shirt and a brown blazer. Her hair is tied up in a high ponytail, the curls slowly trying to escape the horribleness of the elastic. She’s rolling down the car window as Clarke gets out of the building and across the wide pavement. A soft look is in her eyes and Clarke’s stomach does a flip in itself.

 

Clarke gets in the car and buckles her seatbelt as Lexa drives down the road. The traffic is horrible and they spend the first ten minutes in line. Lexa’s tapping the steering wheel with her two forefingers to the beat of the music from the radio. Clarke’s hands are sweaty against her thighs and she’s looking out the window, as if something new had suddenly appeared.

 

“Are you ever going to ask me why I was at my friends’ apartment? “ Clarke asks suddenly and looks at Lexa. Her lips are slightly parted, her hair is getting frizzy from the heat of the car and the rain that is appearing outside.

 

“Do you want to talk about it? “ Lexa asks. “Because if you don’t, then I won’t ask you about it. I figured you’d let me know when you’d want to talk about it. “ Her voice is so calm and so nice Clarke could melt in her seat.

 

“Well- thank you, then. “ Clarke sits up and pulls down her jacket a bit to get comfortable. “I don’t even really know you, “ She says suddenly. “Are you sure you want to hear about my first world problems? “

 

“First world… “ Lexa shakes her head in confusion. “Uh, yeah, just go for it. “

 

“Okay, “ Clarke says and turns off the radio. “I broke up with Finn yesterday after telling him he’s in love with one of my best friends. Then I ran away from home and ended up at this fairytale diner, where I met my fairy godmother. My friend, Octavia, then told me to stay at her place where I then cried for hours and hours on end. I woke up and she’d left for work- and so had her boyfriend who also lives with her. And then I told myself to stop feeling so sorry for myself and to just do something and- “

 

“And here I am, “ Lexa says. The line is suddenly gone and she’s driving down the almost empty road. The buildings are slowly getting smaller and smaller around them, though Clarke’s too busy talking she doesn’t realize they’re slowly getting outside of town.

 

“I’m single for the first time in eleven years. I haven’t been single since I was fifteen, Lexa. “ Clarke shakes her head and leans back against the seat. “I don’t even know what to do with myself. “

 

“Well, “ Lexa says and makes a sharp right. “Sorry. But, this is your lucky day, then- well, maybe not _lucky_ , but you know what I mean. _I_ happen to be the most single human alive. “

 

“Really?

 

“Really. I’ve been single since I was eighteen. “

 

“And you’re? “ Clarke asks, raising an eyebrow.

 

“I’m twenty-five. “ Lexa smiles slightly and her eyes light up as a bright beam in the middle of the car. Clarke has to force herself to stare out through the window again and, suddenly, she has no idea of where they are.

 

“How long have we been driving? Where are we? “

 

“If you were ever kidnapped you’d be pretty screwed, Clarke. How in the world did it take you this long to notice that we were out of town? “ Lexa asks and stops the car in a small, empty parking lot.

 

“We’re out of town? “ Clarke asks as she gets out of the car. The air feels light and warm against her skin. Sun is shining through holes in the white clouds above them and, if Clarke listens very carefully, she can hear the sea in the distance.

 

“Welcome to the best place on Earth, “ Lexa says and slams her car door shut as she peers around the place.

 

“It looks a little deserted, “ Clarke says and puts her hands up in defense when Lexa shoots her dangerous look.

 

“This is the most quiet, the most calm and the most wonderful place for miles. A total of three hundred citizens, only one grocery store, one hairdresser – who’s also a dentist – one pharmacy and one store that sells clothes – used. You cannot find a place more deserted than this. “

 

“Sounds great if you’re an old man, Lexa. But why are we here? “ Clarke asks.

 

“I figured your problems are a little bigger than just a lunch-date, “ Lexa says as if it was nothing. They walk down the empty street as the sun slowly heats them up. The clouds fade from view and soon it’s so hot they both carry their jacket over their arms. “I used to go to a town like this when I was younger. It helped me a lot to be somewhere where things are so simple. Sometimes, when you’re in a big city and people are doing things all the time and you’re never really alone or by yourself, it can all be blown out of proportion. “

 

“Wise words, “ Clarke says. The soft wind that flies around them hides the sounds of the waves splashing against each other and the seagulls’ screeches from a distance. Clarke doesn’t know if it’s the sound of these things, the sound of the nature around her or the sound of Lexa’s calm voice and meaningful words than make her relax the most.

 

“You’ve shared some stuff about your life, Clarke Griffin, and now I’m going to share some stuff about mine, “ Lexa says. They sit down on an old bench, which is covered in splashed patterns of paint and some stickers. “I’ve been travelling for most of my life, living in one city for about three or four months before picking the next one. I’m the typical example of a person who lost someone and is now terrified of committing to anything and anyone. “

 

Lexa folds her legs up under herself and leans with her side against the back of the bench, to be able to look at Clarke. “I was in love when I was eighteen. I’ve lived a million different places for seven years now. “

 

“What happened? “ Clarke asks, though she regrets it. The pain in Lexa’s eyes show that it’s still too fresh and too much to talk about. She, Clarke, should’ve waited until Lexa told _her_ , just like how Lexa waited for Clarke to be ready to talk about Finn. “Don’t answer that. “

 

“No, no. I want to talk about it, don’t worry. I mean- _I_ started it. “ Lexa smiles a little and squints her eyes together to focus. Her dark lashes scrunch up behind her hooded lids. Tiny freckles are appearing on her tan skin and she licks her lips in tension.

 

“So, “ She begins, “I fell in love with this girl- “ She takes a moment to smile to herself at the way Clarke’s eyebrows lift a little to then return to their worried state. “We were eighteen, had just finished high school and were both ready for something new and better, much better. We hung out every day in the beginning of summer, made all these plans to do all of these weird things. It was the typical summer-romance story. Except- “ Lexa takes a moment to breathe, her eyes starring at nothing in front of her.

 

“Except none of the things we had planned happened. Costia was killed in an accident after we had dated for a year. She was walking home from work and- “ Her voice breaks, but she keeps her face calm and cold.

 

“I’m sorry, “ Clarke whispers. She takes Lexa’s hands, both of them, and holds them for a moment, before letting go and wrapping her arms around Lexa’s curled up body.

 

“It’s taken me seven years to get to where I am now. Seven years of hurting for one year with a girl, “ Lexa says. She shrugs slightly before getting up from the bench, her hands shaking by her sides.

 

“That stuff is unfair and brutal, Lexa. I’m sorry you’re going through stuff like that. “

 

And maybe it was the way Clarke said those words, maybe it was the emotions taking over Lexa at that very moment – Clarke couldn’t tell. But all she focused on was the smile spreading across Lexa’s sharp features, igniting a fire inside every single vein of Clarke’s body.

 

They walk through the town, stopping to look at the pastries in the tiny bakery Lexa hadn’t told Clark about. They continue down to the beach, though clouds are starting to cover the sun and the win is blowing sand all around them. They both agree to visit the beach together some other time as they drive back in Lexa’s car, the music playing loudly and Clarke humming along to the few songs she recognized.

 

_____________________________

 

She hasn’t looked at her phone since she got in Lexa’s car. Now that she’s reading through the texts of concerned friends, she feels a tug inside her chest. Clarke’s sitting on Octavia and Lincoln’s couch, the TV is loud in the background and the two owners of the apartment are still at work.

 

_From: Octavia  
How’re you doing, Clarke? Everything okay? Text me later, love you_

_From: Monty_

_Heard what happened with you and Finn. Hopefully it’ll all be better soon. You can come stay with us if you feel like it, though it’s a bit cramped here with Murphy, too. Call me!_

_From: Jasper_

_YOU’RE AMAZING AND WE ALL LOVE YOU. ALSO have you seen my goggles? I left them somewhere after the party and Monty swears he didn’t do anything to them!_

_From: Raven_

_Hey, Griffin. We didn’t get to talk at the party… I heard you and Finn broke up, I’m so sorry. Want to catch up some time? I miss you <3_

All the warmth and enjoyment of the day spent with Lexa leaves Clarke’s body when she reads the last text. She has no hard feelings against Raven, no anger inside of her, no rage against Raven’s feelings for Finn. But still, she feels like she’s lost a part of her love for her good friend. Normally, she’d jump at the sight of a text from Raven. She’d look through her calendar and send her multiple free dates to get dinner or lunch together. She’d do anything she could to talk to her best friend.

 

But now she can’t even reply, not even send a single heart or a thumbs up or _something. Anything._

 

She leaves her phone on the coffee table, sound off and screen facing down, and walks to the kitchen. She wanders there for minutes, looking through the fridge, the cupboards, the counters and then everything all over again. She doesn’t know what she’s looking for, she doesn’t know if there’s anything she wants. Clarke feels an emptiness inside of her, something that’s missing, gone.

 

She doesn’t want to be alone, she doesn’t want this quietness in this apartment, which is not even hers. She wants to go home, but she doesn’t even know if she should call it home. What about her stuff? What will they, Finn and Clarke, do? They bought pretty much everything together and now they have to split everything up?

 

Clarke falls asleep on the couch with a tug in her chest. She dreams of fighting and yelling and screaming. She sees Lexa- or a girl who looks like Lexa with the big brown hair and the piercing, green eyes.


	4. Chapter 4

She calls her mother. Her mother’s soft voice but stern words are exactly what she needs right now. She takes a sip of her coffee as the beeps wait for Abigail Griffin to pick up.

 

“Clarke, “ She says, sounding surprised and rushed.

 

“Hey, mom. “ Clarke puts down the cup after having burned herself on the black coffee with a mountain of whipped cream on top. “Are you doing anything important right now? “

 

“Uh- no, not right now. Well, it can wait. Is everything all right, Clarke? “ She asks. She has the constant worries of a loving mother, but she seems slightly distracted and Clarke guesses she’s at work.

 

“Everything is… Everything. “ Clarke sighs and leans back against her seat in the small diner. After having walked around town for ten or twenty minutes she’d finally found the diner. The lights are on and the soft music is still playing.

 

“What’s happening, sweetie? “ Abby asks. A door closes and silence falls through the phone, giving Clarke the sign that her mother’s ready to listen properly now.

 

“I- Finn and I broke up a couple of days ago, “ Clarke says. “I’ve been staying with O’ and Lincoln, sleeping on their couch. “

 

“I’m so sorry, Clarke. “ Her mother’s concern just grew a million miles. “How did it happen? I though you two were fine? “

 

And that just shows how little her mother’s involved in Clarke’s life. Clarke hasn’t told her mother about the time Raven and Finn kissed or her worries about Finn’s feelings for Raven. She hasn’t told her anything about the problems or bumps in their relationship because… Because Abby hasn’t asked.

 

“We weren’t. We just grew apart, you know. But, mom, I was thinking about some things and, if it’s not too much and if you’re okay with it, then I was hoping, maybe, I could come live with you for a little while? Just while Finn and I sort out some things with the apartment and stuff. “

 

Her mother’s silence from the other end of the line cuts a deep hole in Clarke’s stomach and she feels like she’s about to throw up. Would her mother really say no to this? Abby is a busy woman with an important job. She has people wanting and demanding things from her all week and now her daughter suddenly wants to come back home. Maybe it’s too much.

 

“Oh, but, Clarke! “ Abby cries. “Of course, you can come! Your old bedroom is still the same, pretty much. And you still have a key, right? Just come whenever you feel like it. I’d love to see you here, “ Abby says and Clarke can feel her smile through the line.

 

“Thank you, mom. I have to go now. I love you, “ Clarke says out of habit and smiles as she hangs up.

 

The weight on her shoulders just became a pound lighter.

 

_____________________________

 

“We can order pizza or something tonight, if you feel like it, “ Abby says. She’s sitting on the couch with her feet up. The TV’s loud and showing some musical Clarke doesn’t recognize. “Maybe I have some frozen ones, actually. Let me just check. “ She gets up from the couch and walks to the kitchen. The house is big and has several floors. Clarke could recite the entire floor plan if she wanted to. She lived here for almost twenty years. There’s still the comfortable and friendly feel about it. The way the floor creaks when she expects it too, the way the windows can’t shut completely and the way you can hear the sounds of nature just outside.

 

The house isn’t far from the city, only forty-five minutes on a good day, but it feels like hours and hours out of town. The grass is stretching wide as the back garden behind the house. Trees and bushes are covering the edge of the lot and birds are peacefully chirping away, even now that it’s nighttime.

 

Clarke’s phone buzzes from her pocket.

 

_From: Octavia_

_How’s it going out on the countryside? Missing my couch? You’ve been gone for a week and Finn keeps stopping by with some of your stuff. Come pick it up or I’m selling it. Also, I’m taking back every shirt and dress you’ve ever borrowed from me – AND MORE! Love you!_

_To: Octavia_

_Don’t sell anything. I’m coming home soon. Maybe. I don’t know. I like it here. See you never_

_From: Octavia_

_I miss you, though. And also, Jasper says Lexa’s been talking about you._

_To: Octavia_

_Did she say something nice?_

_From: Octavia_

_He says she smiled_

_To: Octavia_

_Shit_

Clarke’s hands were already sweaty, just from writing about Lexa. They haven’t had much contact since they went for lunch last week in that tiny, strange town. A part of Clarke misses Lexa in an odd way. She doesn’t miss her because she wants to talk to her about anything in particular. Clarke just wants Lexa around; she wants to feel that nervous tingle in her hands, but that calm feeling in her chest.

 

_To: Lexa from the party_

_Want to see a small town I like?_

_From: Lexa from the party_

_Is this a quote of some sort? A song lyric? A code? Are you being kidnapped? If so, I told you you’d be screwed._

_To: Lexa from the party_

_Just come to this address tomorrow, okay?_

Clarke puts in the address and sends the text. She feels the kind of high-school-crush-tingle all over her body as she dumps back against the couch. Her mother walks in the room, boxes of ice cream in her hands and cookies. She puts everything on the table and winks at Clarke.

 

“Let’s go to war, “ She says and opens a container with vanilla ice cream and chocolate sprinkles and dives in with her spoon.

 

“Where was this version of mom when I was a teenager? “ Clarke asks and grins.

 

“Oh, she got lost a long time ago. Now it’s just fun-mom, “ Abby says and laughs.

 

“Never, and I mean _never ever_ , say that again! “ Clarke cries and laughs with her mother, something she didn’t know she missed so much.

 

_____________________________

 

Clarke feels more energetic than she has been for a very long time as she gets out of bed the following morning. Her hair is messy around her head and her pajama bottoms has rolled up to her thighs during the night. The sun is peaking through the white blinds, giving her tidy bedroom that Saturday-morning feel Clarke loves so much.

 

She can hear her mother walk around downstairs, puzzling with things in the kitchen. She should be off to work in an hour or so, if Clarke remembers correctly. The steaming hot water shines on Clarke’s skin as she washes out the shampoo and then conditioner. It’s the ones her mother always uses and Clarke enjoys the scent.

 

“Good morning, “ Clarke hums as she grabs cereal and milk and starts mixing up her gourmet breakfast. She’s stepping on the edges of her too-long pajama pants as she smiles to her mother.

 

“Good… Morning? Why are you so chirpy? Is it because you have the house to yourself today? No parties, Clarke Griffin, “ Abby says as she puts on her jacket. Though the sun looks warm and inviting, grey clouds are spotting the sky not far from the house.

 

“I’m just… Happy- happ _ier_ , “ Clarke corrects herself and takes big spoon of the colorful cereal.

 

“Well, then _I_ ’m happy, too. I’m off now, okay? I’ll be home late today, meetings and boring stuff, you know. You’re an adult now, you know what I’m talking about, bye! “ Abby calls as she walks out the door, her phone in her hand and her purse around the other.

 

_____________________________

 

Clarke gets dressed in record time. She puts on a pair of tight, black jeans and a loose t-shirt with a band she used to listen to when she was a teenager. She lets her loose, blond curls fall around her shoulders and puts on a fabric-y headband around her head. She brushes her teeth and applies the faintest bit of nude lipstick and mascara and walks downstairs to the living room.

 

Her phone is in her back pocket and she’s been receiving texts now and then from Lexa.

 

_From: Lexa from the party_

_I’m there in ten minutes. Just need to get gas. Also, WHERE AM I?_

_To: Lexa from the party_

_You’re in Neverland. Get used to it_

_From: Lexa from the party_

_Okay, Captain Hook. I’m there soon._

It’s been almost fifteen minutes since Lexa last texted and Clarke can feel her heartbeat in every part of her body. She can feel it in her fingers and arms and stomach and head. Everything is pounding more and more whenever she hears a sound, even if it turns out to be the wind or the dishwasher.

 

Then the doorbell goes off and Clarke’s sure she’s about to faint. She looks at herself in the mirror by the door one last time, gives herself a convincing smile and a thumbs up and opens the door.

 

“Clarke Griffin, are you a millionaire? “ Lexa asks. She’s dressed in dark green pants that fit loosely around her legs, a black t-shirt and her leather jacket on top. Her hair looks even bigger and curlier than ever and she’s wearing smudged eyeliner and a dark, nude lipstick.

 

Clarke feels so overwhelmed by everything she doesn’t know what to answer. So she laughs awkwardly and opens the door a little wider as Lexa walks in. Her eyes are big and green, the same dark color as her jeans, and they’re looking at everything down the hallway. Pictures of Clarke are lining the walls around them, flowers are taking up most of the space on the little tables here and there, and other things, like fancy glass bowls or old, gold clocks, are decorating the room.

 

“Here, “ Clarke stutters and takes Lexa’s jacket and hangs it over the back of a chair in the kitchen. She slides the two glass doors apart to reveal the living room and Lexa’s eyes go even bigger. A couch long enough for both of them to lie down on, matching seats in an old, Victorian style with modern pillows on top, a massive TV and the newest speakers and a billion other things that just scream this-is-expensive-I-wouldn’t-even-let-the-queen-touch-this are in the room.

 

“I don’t even know what to say, Clarke. This is extreme, “ Lexa says, her mouth fully open in shock. “I’m not normally the gold-digger type, _but_. “ She laughs slightly and that doesn’t help with the butterflies in Clarke’s stomach. It feels like they’re redecorating her insides.

 

“It’s my mom’s house, “ Clarke hurries to say and regrets it instantly. She’s forever grateful for the things they own and the opportunities they’ve given her, but she hates the way people react when they see the house. All they see are price tags and they jump to conclusions about what type of family lives there.

 

But Clarke’s the one who invited Lexa over, so she needs to get over this uncomfortable feeling and talk like a normal person.

 

“I like it, “ Lexa says and gives a small smile. There’s something kind about her eyes and her way of being. Clarke already feels like she’s seeing a totally different person from the one she met at Jasper and Monty’s party.

 

“Do you want something? I can have the butler grab us some drinks, “ Clarke says and laughs when Lexa’s eyes go even wider and her mouth drops open again. “Your eyes are going to fall out if you keep doing that, Lexa. “ She laughs and jumps down on the couch. Lexa sits down, too and grins embarrassed into her lap.

 

“With a house like this you could make me believe anything, “ Lexa says. Her back is stiff against the couch and her hands are folded neatly on her thighs. They’re picking at a bit of grey nail polish on her thumb.

 

“How was the drive here? “ Clarke asks suddenly, because she’s now aware of how long she was starring at Lexa.

 

“It was fine, “ Lexa says and nods. “How are you feeling? “ There’s a strange tone in her voice and her hands are trembling ever so slightly as she speaks. She’s nervous, Clarke can tell.

 

“I’m… I’m doing a lot better now, thank you. Just, being here with my mom, it helps. All of my things are at Octavia and Lincoln’s apartment. I’m looking for somewhere to live, but it’s impossible, “ Clarke says and gives a positive nod.

 

“It took me forever to get an apartment here. I think I looked for almost a year before I found anything- “ A hint of panic spreads on Lexa’s face when she realizes the not-so-comforting words she spoke. “But- but I’m sure you’ll find something soon, “ She adds.

 

Clarke can’t help but to laugh and she sees some of the tension in Lexa’s shoulders disappear. The teenage-romance feeling is back and Clarke can’t help but to enjoy it. She likes the nervousness, the excitement as she sits there, slowly scooting closer and closer to Lexa without her really noticing.

 

“So- so where’s your mom? “ Lexa asks suddenly and her eyes dart to the floor in front of her. The TV is playing soft music and the sun is streaming through the windows. The dark clouds outside look like they’re slowly moving away from the house.

 

“She’s at work, “ Clarke laughs. She doesn’t know why she finds it funny. Maybe it’s the way her stomach clenches because she’s so nervous, maybe it’s just funny. She doesn’t know what to say or do. The warm air of the room feels icky in her lungs. “Do you want to go for a walk outside in the garden? “

 

“The garden? “ Lexa repeats, obviously puzzled.

 

“Yes, it’s… Big. “ Clarke laughs.

 

_____________________________

 

The sun is shining down on them, warming their skin as they walk along the stone paths. Bushes covered in flowers and fruits are lining the trail in front of them. Trees are casting wavy shadows on the bright green grass and, when the wind isn’t too loud, you can hear the waves of the sea and the birds in the trees.

 

“Do your parents live here by themselves? Or do they have the rest of the royal family here, too? “ Lexa asks and squints when the sun lets its light shine on her.

 

Clarke gives a short, dry laugh and keeps her eyes on the path. “My mom lives here by herself, actually. Well, the royal family does come here at Easter, “ Clarke jokes.

 

“Where does your dad live, then? “ Lexa asks. They make a right as the path divides into two. Benches in different, pale colors are scattered around the lush greens of the bushes, trees and plants. It feels like a never-ending trail in a fairytale. Houses, just like Abby’s, are sprinkled around with great distance between each other. Abby’s house is on the top of a small hill and when you look down you can just barely see the waves of the water from the sea.

 

“My dad… “ Clarke takes a deep breath and looks around them. “My dad died when I was little. “ Her voice is shaky and she feels so weak. It’s been almost twenty years and she still can’t talk about it or even mention his name without getting emotional.

 

“I’m so sorry, Clarke, “ Lexa says and for a brief moment she touches Clarke’s hand.

 

“It’s the worst, “ Clarke says and nods a few times as they keep walking down towards the sea. It’s not far now and the sounds of the waves are getting louder. “I was eight years old. All three of us, him, my mom and me, were down by the beach. “ Clarke points to the large pit of sand at the end of the hill. “We were swimming and playing and stuff. My dad got tired and walked back to the house, told my mom and I to stay for a little while longer as he prepared dinner. When we came back he was on the kitchen floor. “

 

“Clarke. “ Lexa gasps and stops walking for a few seconds.

 

“He had a heart attack and died on the spot. He was strong and healthy and did everything right, you know? The doctors just said it came out of the blue. Nothing could’ve prevented it or anything. It just came and it happened. “ Clarke’s voice is shaking badly and her hands are clenched in fists so tight her knuckles are turning white.

 

“Clarke, “ Lexa says and reaches out for Clarke’s arm. Clarke tries to keep walking, she tries to keep the tears away, but she can’t. She wishes she could be strong like Lexa, she wishes she could talk about these things without always making a scene. But her whole body is shaking and the soft touches of Lexa’s hands are making everything so much _more everything_.

 

Lexa pulls Clarke in for a hug and holds her for a minute or two. Clarke keeps her hands by her side, focusing on Lexa’s slow breathing and her calming words. The tears that are falling from Clarke’s eyes are landing on Lexa’s shirt.

 

“I’m sorry, “ Clarke mumbles as she pulls away from Lexa and they continue walking down the hill.

 

“Don’t be. _Ever_ , “ Lexa says and she smiles, only one side of her mouth really lifts, but her eyes are shining with kindness and it makes Clarke’s heart flutter.

 

_____________________________

 

They’re both standing with the sea around their ankles. They’ve left their shoes and socks on the sand behind them. The sun has reached past the middle of the sky and is casting shadows in front of the two girls. The edges of Clarke’s black jeans are wet, but she doesn’t care. And Lexa’s green pants are rolled up to around her knees, safe from the splashing waves.

 

Lexa’s shut her eyes and her face is lifted upwards to the fresh air. Her jaw is clenched and her lips are dry and pursed. She looks calm as she stand there with her palms turned upwards to catch the sunshine. Clarke tries her hardest not to stare at the girl, but she can’t help it. She doesn’t want to miss a moment of her.

 

“How could you ever moved away from this place? “ Lexa asks, still with her eyes shut. The soft smiles she’d let out so sparingly before, is now like a permanent feature on her face. The waves are getting louder and they’re starting to hit the edges of Lexa’s pants.

 

“The minute I turned eighteen I moved in with Finn, “ Clarke answered. She still felt a pressure on her chest after having talked about her father, and mentioning Finn made the pressure grow. “I had a bit of a fall-out with my mom and I couldn’t live here anymore. I wanted something else and Finn was there. Let’s go back, “ Clarke says. The sun was moving lower and lower on the sky and she couldn’t believe it was this late already.

 

_____________________________

 

“I’ll order us some food- “

 

“Clarke Griffin, if I’m not mistaken you have a perfectly fine and well-functioning kitchen right here in this house, “ Lexa says and smiles a little wider.

 

“I can’t even boil water, Lexa. “

 

“Well, I happen to be a very mediocre cook and I’ve pretty much mastered the skill of cooking pasta and frying bacon. “

 

It doesn’t take long for Lexa to get everything going. The waiter boils and she puts the pasta in it soon after as Clarke tries not to burn the bacon. She, Clarke, sets the table as Lexa mixes everything together with store-bought pesto.

 

“This is pretty good, “ Clarke says and winks as Lexa pretends to be offended by the unexceptional compliment. “I’m kidding, it’s great. You should open a restaurant. “

 

“I can only really make pasta, “ Lexa says.

 

“Well, “ Clarke laughs. “Maybe it should be an Italian restaurant, then. “

 

Lexa lets out a small laugh and smiles down into her bowl. Clarke likes this. She likes the calm feeling she has in her entire body except for the tips of her fingers, which are all either ice cold or burning hot. She likes how relaxed their conversations are and how she doesn’t feel forced to always say something. Everything about the two of them together comes naturally and Clarke couldn’t be happier at a crappy time like this.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the shortest chapter ever, i know. the next one will be better, i'm sorry
> 
> super busy (not true just don't know how to write anymore) 
> 
> i'm sorry <3

Lexa doesn’t mean to ignore Clarke’s texts and calls. She doesn’t mean to pretend to not hear Jasper’s questions about Clarke and her. She doesn’t mean to push Clarke away and especially not after Clarke opened up about herself in such a vulnerable way. But it’s just simply too much. It’s too much to be around Clarke, to see her bubbly smile and her blonde curls. And it’s too much to think that it’ll work out this time with this girl.

 

It’s been days since Lexa left the mansion of a house. She’s been at work, back in her lousy apartment and back at work again. She’s sitting in her tiny booth in the massive room with fifty other people, having their own problems and working through them by ignoring them, too. The air is thick and voices are streaming in from every angle. She left early yesterday and if she does it again, she’ll end up fired.

 

“Hey, Lexa! “ Jasper pops his head over the half wall and his eyes are filled with something Lexa would call worry mixed with happiness. “You okay? Your phone’s been ringing for the past hour and you haven’t picked it up once. “ His eyes fly down to the loud phone and it’s like Lexa’s head has just cancelled out the ringtone and now it’s back and louder.

 

“Shit, “ She whispers and picks it up. It’s an old, wired phone. Every stall in the office has one. “Hello, you’re talking to Lexa Wood at- “

 

“Lexa. “ The tone of Octavia’s voice is harsh and determined. “Jasper told me you’re off from work at four. It’s three thirty. Meet me outside the second you’re off- “

 

“Octavia- “

 

“The _second_ you’re off, “ Octavia says, pausing with every word as if Lexa finds it hard to hear her.

 

“The second. Sure, “ Lexa says and hates the way her voice shakes in anger. She, like any other normal human being, doesn’t like being yelled at. Her fists are clenched and clammy and Jasper’s peeking over the half wall again. “Jasper, please, I’ve been nice to you, but I’m in a bad mood now and I’d like for you to pop back down to your side and not talk to me for the rest of the day. “ Jasper slowly does as he’s told, whispering into his phone to someone, who Lexa guesses is Monty.

_____________________________

 

The sun is hiding behind the thick clouds, but the air is warm around Lexa’s burning cheeks. The sight of Octavia, standing outside with her arms crossed and a cool look on her face makes Lexa’s face heat up again. “You’re late- “

 

“Spare me your bullshit, Octavia. Tell me what’s going on or I’m going to leave, “ Lexa says. She folds her hands behind her back and lifts her chin. It’s a routine she’s done so many times she doesn’t even remember when it started.

 

Octavia looks like she’s taking in the scene of Lexa and then clears her throat slightly. “You’ve been ignoring Clarke hardcore. “ She takes a break to watch Lexa’s eyes flutter closed for a few seconds and straighten her back even more. “She’s finally getting to move on from Finn and you helped her a lot, Lexa. But know you’re making it so much worse. Just, tell her if you’re not into her like that and she’ll understand. This- this not-knowing bullshit is cruel. “

 

Lexa looks over her shoulder, the tall, glass building she’s already grown to hate is standing strong like a see-through wall behind her. “Everything is a lot more difficult than you think, Octavia, “ Lexa says and looks back at the girl in front of her. She’s wearing tight jeans and a loose, dark blue jacket. Her hair is tied up in a ponytail with braids along the sides of her head. The two girls are about the same height, but Lexa’s better posture is making her seem taller.

 

“I don’t care how difficult it is for you. All I care about is the girl in my apartment who hasn’t been to work since she came home from her mom’s- since you cut her out of your life. Make a decision, okay? “ Octavia is about to turn around and walk away, but Lexa takes a step forward.

 

“She was with him for eleven years, “ Lexa says. It comes out like a plead and Octavia’s eyebrows shoot up for a second or two before she collects herself. She takes a step closer to Lexa and they’re now standing inches apart. Rain is starting to prickle down around them, but neither has noticed.

 

“She broke up with him because of you, dummy. “ Octavia turns around and walks away fast. The rain falls heavier on Lexa’s shoulders and it takes a minute of her standing alone and still right outside the building to get her completely soaked. It takes a few minutes more to get her to move.

 

_____________________________

 

Her apartment is cold and lonely. The small fish she decided to get are in their little aquarium on the counter, giving color to the empty kitchen. All her things are either in the dishwasher or still in boxes. She grabs a glass of water and sits down on the old couch. Octavia’s words are running through her head again and again, she can’t stop thinking about them.

 

If Lexa really is the reason Clarke and Finn broke up… She should do something about it. But what? Should she tell Clarke that, yes, there might be the potential of feelings hidden deep inside Lexa? Or should she tell her to get back together with Finn, that that would be the best for all of them and that whatever Clarke thinks is happening between her and Lexa is something she’s made up in her head?

 

These thoughts, these feelings, are exactly why Lexa hasn’t contacted Clarke in days. She hates the confusion, the fear of making a mistake and losing something important to her. It’s easier to just not even try these things, to give up the second it gets too hard.

 

Her phone buzzes.

 

_From: Clarke_

_This is the last one, I promise. Tell me to stop and I’ll stop, but is everything all right? Are you okay? Did I do something wrong, Lexa?_

_To: Clarke_

_Meet me at the diner in ten minutes._

_____________________________

 

The lights are bright and warm, shining in different shades of pink, blue and yellow. The waitress is reading an old magazine as she chews on the end of a plastic stick you use to mix your coffee with. Lexa looks around the room. People are taking up the good booths far away from the entrance, drinking milkshakes and coffees as they either talk to the person opposite them or read something.

 

“Lexa, “ A soft voice calls from Lexa’s right and she looks towards it. Clarke’s sitting with her hair in a messy bun and a light, pink lipstick that matches the room. She lifts her hand half-heartedly to signal a ‘welcome’ to Lexa as she sits down on the other side of the booth.

 

“You’re here fast- “ Lexa mutters with a faint smile.

 

“I was already here, actually. “ Clarke looks up at the waitress who’s now standing with a small notepad in her hand and chewed-up pencil in the other. “The usual, please, “ Clarke says and smiles.

 

“I’ll just take the same, thank you, “ Lexa says. She ignores the way the waitress lifts an eyebrow at her, as if Lexa should reconsider her choice of drink. “So, “ Lexa begins and leans back against the booth’s leather. “Is this your place now? “ She says and lifts on corner of her mouth, but Clarke’s stern expression makes it fall down instantly. “Clarke, I’m sorry- “

 

“Don’t be. Don’t be sorry about full-on ignoring me for days after spending, what I thought was, a really nice day at my mom’s. Don’t be sorry about vanishing from my life only weeks after having broken up with my boyfriend of eleven years. Don’t be- “

 

“I get it, Clarke. I’m sorry, “ Lexa cuts on. She clenches her fists under the table and even though they’re sweaty and her heart is beating through her throat, she keeps her eyes locked on Clarke’s, because she needs to the see the pain she’s caused. “I’m so sorry. “ It comes out as a whisper, though she didn’t intend that.

 

“Okay. Great, “ Clarke says. They’re milkshakes are standing in front of them. Lexa looks like she’s never seen so much chocolate at once in her entire life and the waitress is smirking at her, silently telling her ‘what did I say’ as she walks away again. “What do we do now? Is this it? Are you just done with me? “

 

“Everything is a lot more complicated than that, Clarke, “ Lexa says as she tries to stir the milkshake, but it’s topped with waffles and cookies, making it impossible not to spill everything over the edge of the glass. “I- I’m scared, okay? “

 

Clarke looks up from her glass, her mouth open and a bit of whipped cream on the edge of her lip. She licks it off quickly and lets go of the straw. “Scared of what? “

 

“Scared of- of trying. Everything is telling me not to- to do this- “

 

“Is this because of that girl? Costia? “ Clarke says. She bites her lips and shuts her eyes. “That was so insensitive of me, I’m sorry- I didn’t mean it like that. “ She shakes her head and silently takes a big sip of her drink.

 

“It’s fine. And, yeah, it’s because of her, I guess. But I don’t want to use her as an excuse. Listen, Clarke, I push myself away from people when it gets too real. I’ve done that for seven years now, pretty much. It’s a cliché, I know, but it’s the easiest. I’ve always just moved away, told the other person some lame excuse and disappeared. But- but things with you- my- my feelings, everything, it came a lot quicker than normal. “

 

“And I haven’t really been the nicest to you, either. “ Clarke drops in. “I wasn’t sure about anything when we first met. I’ve never- I’ve never really had feelings for anyone other than Finn and just saying these things, it all makes my hands sweaty and my heart beat a billion times faster. “

 

“We’re both saying sorry, now? “ Lexa says and repeats the smile on Clarke’s face. “I’ll get better. But- but I need time and I need you to understand that these things are hard for me to do. “

 

“And I’ll stop talking about Finn, “ Clarke says and nods along with her words. Her hands are folded around the bottom half of the tall milkshake glass, which is half empty already. “Baby steps. “

 

“Baby steps, “ Lexa repeats.


	6. Chapter 6

Clarke enjoys her life for the next week. She enjoys the way the sun’s showing itself more often and how it always falls so nicely through the big windows in her tiny, new apartment. She enjoys how her job doesn’t seem too horrible anymore, how she has more time even though half of it is spend with Lexa. And, most of all, she enjoys every second she’s in the same room as Lexa.

 

The paint is on her fingers and it’s spotting the see-through piece of plastic sheet on the floor beneath her easel. She’s painting the view for the third time this week. Right now she’s focusing on the light blue fading to the light pink and the way an airplane is shooting through it with a yellow streak behind its tale.

 

“Do you always paint the view? Is it your thing now? “ Octavia asks from the couch. Her feet are on the coffee table and her head is resting on the back of the soft cushions on the sofa.

 

“I just like it, “ Clarke answers, her mind elsewhere. She’s spend the day with Lexa in the small town they visited a couple of weeks ago. The sun was burning the asphalt they walked on and even though Clarke wanted to hold Lexa’s hand the entire time, they were risking of permanently melting together – at least, that’s what Lexa said.

 

“You’re so smitten, “ Octavia laughs.

 

“Smitten? “ Clarke repeats and turns around, almost dropping her brush filled with blue paint. “I’m just- I’m, you know- “

 

But Octavia’s laugh interrupts Clarke and she decides to leave it. Yes, she’s smitten. Yes, she’s gotten so far with Lexa, slowly learning to understand every side of this strange girl who thinks in such different ways from herself.

 

“So, “ Octavia says and gets up from the couch, walking the few steps to the window where Clarke’s standing. “You’re bringing her to Lincoln’s birthday party? “

 

“It’s not weird, right? “ Clarke asks.

 

“Well, Finn and Raven are going to be there- “ Clarke looks at her with a lifted eyebrow. “I can’t just tell them not to come! “ Octavia exclaims, almost dropping the soda in her hand. “They’re our friends and even though you haven’t spoken to either of them for weeks they’re coming to the party. “

 

“It’s fine, O’. I’ll ask Lexa if she feels like it. If she doesn’t, I won’t come either. “

 

“I’m exited to see her again, “ Octavia says and takes a sip of the drink. “You’re so scared to show her off. She’s like your little secret, “ She says and winks, avoiding the flying paintbrush as Clarke turns around.

 

“We’re taking things slow- “

 

“You’ve hung out every day the past week. You’re stalling- “

 

“Taking things slow- “

 

“ _Stal-ling_. “ Octavia laughs.

 

“I’ll call her right now if that’s what you want. I’ll ask her to the party and you’ll see! “ Clarke says the words and instantly regrets them. She knows Lexa’s at work right now and suddenly just calling, asking her to a party with people Lexa doesn’t really know isn’t her favorite thing. Lexa had told Clarke about how terrified she was when she went to Monty and Jasper’s party.

 

“Do it, then, “ Octavia says and falls back down on the couch.

 

“Fine, “ Clarke says and dials Lexa’s number on her phone. “Lexa! “ She says, a little too enthusiastic.

 

_“Clarke, hey. “_

 

“Would you hate going to Lincoln’s birthday party with me? It’s this Saturday. “

 

_“I wouldn’t hate it, no. “_ She laughs, but then she clears her throat and Clarke’s ready for the rejection. _“But- uh, who’s going to be there? “_

“Well, it’s going to be O’ and Lincoln, and, of course, Monty and Jasper and, well, maybe-it’s-also-going-to-be-Finn-and-Raven-but-it-won’t-be-weird-I-promise! “ The last bit came out so fast Lexa can’t help but to laugh.

 

_“If you want to go, I’ll be there. “_

“Really? “ Clarke says, her mouth open. But Octavia looks at her with a wicked grin on her face and Clarke conceals her surprised look quickly. “Great! I mean- that’s cool. Uh, I’ll just see you there? Or do you want to meet up first? “

 

_“Let’s just meet there. I need to work a bit on Saturday, so I’ll probably be a little late. What’s the dress code? “_

“O’, dress code? “ Clarke asks, holding one hand over the phone.

 

“I want to see legs, Lexa! “ Octavia yells and Clarke cinches through the phone.

 

_“I’ll see what I can do with that, “_ Lexa says and Clarke can feel her warm smile through the phone. _“I’ll see you Saturday, then. “_

 

“I’ll see you there, “ Clarke says and waits for Lexa to hang up before putting the phone down in her back pocket. “See? I told you she’d come. “

 

“You’re going to shit yourself on Saturday, “ Octavia says and laughs loudly.

 

“I’m going to paint your entire body blue in your sleep, if you don’t stop, “ Clarke says and waves the paintbrush with a sly smile on her face.

 

_____________________________

 

Clarke shows up ten minutes early to Lincoln’s birthday party. She hands him the horrible present consisting of a couple expensive wines, which Octavia will provably end up drinking by herself, and some books and things he’s talked about. She hugs him and says ‘you’re welcome’ but her eyes are darting around for Octavia.

 

“O’! “ Clarke yells and runs to her. “Do I look horrible or do I look terrible? “ Clarke says and drops her jacket on the couch.

 

“Hm, “ Octavia says and taps a finger on her chin as if she’s considering her options. “I’d go with banging. You look great, Clarke. “

 

“No, I don’t, O’. I look like a fifteen year old girl who’s going to her first party ever. My makeup’s already melting off my face and my hair’s either not curly enough or too curly. It looks like I haven’t committed to curling it, O’. And my clothes. I’m wearing fucking blue jeans and a lace top! What kind of signals am I even trying to give here. ‘I’m ready to party, but not really’!? “

 

“Clarke, _breathe_! “ Octavia grabs Clarke’s wrist and holds them tight as Clarke takes a deep, overly dramatic breath. “Now, come to my room and I’ll fix you. “

 

“Jeez, thanks, “ Clarke mumbles and follows Octavia to the bedroom, which is located on the other side of the hallway. It’s small, but big enough for a double bed, dresser and a bookshelf filled with Lincoln’s stuff.

 

“Here, “ Octavia says and throws a pile of yellow fabric at Clarke. “Put this on while I get my makeup. “

 

_____________________________

 

After fifteen minutes of fiddling with a curling iron, hairspray, eyeshadows in multiple colors and the dress, Clarke’s finally standing in front of the long mirror with a smile on face. She’s wearing a loose, yellow t-shirt dress with a cut out pattern at the bottom. Her hair is in loose waves and bits from the front are pinned up in the back. Her lips are dark red and eyes a smoky black.

 

“You don’t think I look like the German flag? “ Clarke asks and grins.

 

“You look amazing. I am actually a little jealous. But, if this is what it takes to get you laid, then I’m all- “

 

“Octavia! “ Clarke yells and dashes her arm with a smile. “You’re so- “ But she doesn’t get to finish her sentence. Lincoln’s head pops in through the door.

 

“People are coming, guys. I’m not going to say hello to every single one of them myself. “

 

“Coming! “ Octavia says, running to him and gives him a massive kiss on the lips.

 

“I hate you two, “ Clarke laughs as she pushes her way through the door. Jasper and Monty come over and scream compliments at Clarke from the top of their lungs, making the rest of the people in the apartment stop and stare. Clarke blushes hard, but enjoys the brief moment of attention.

 

The sounds of glasses banging together, the loud, pounding music and the people talking from every angle of the room fills Clarke with excitement. She can’t stop staring towards the door, though she knows Lexa will be late. She plays games with her friends and talks to Monty about work and her new place. The front door opens and Clarke looks eagerly towards it.

 

Raven and Finn are standing hand in hand and with matching outfits on. Finn’s wearing black jeans and a loose, white shirt with green dots on it. Raven’s also wearing black jeans but with a tight, halter neck top in the same green. Her hair is up in a messy ponytail and her eyes are shining through the brown eyeshadow. Her whole face is glowing from happiness.

 

Clarke realizes this is the first time she’s seeing Raven since she came home. “Raven, “ She says as the pair walks to the group. Raven gives an insecure smile and it feels like everyone’s stopped talking. “I’ve missed you, “ Clarke says and with that, everything starts again. Raven joins her in a big hug and soon Jasper’s fighting his way into the hug, his ridiculous goggles on his forehead and his big, goofy smile solidly planted on his face.

 

“I’ve missed you, too. “ Raven smiles. “You look amazing. “

 

“You look even better. “

 

“Everyone’s handsome tonight, then, “ Octavia says. “Let’s fucking drink! “ She yells and soon the entire room of people are screaming along with the music, pouring drink after drink and jumping and dancing all around the place.

 

_____________________________

 

It’s the second Clarke’s forgotten about the front door that it opens. She doesn’t hear it at first because of the loud music. But then Jasper does a strange squeal and runs to the person in front of the door and hugs her a little too tight. He apologizes and nods towards Clarke, telling the girl that she’s been waiting for her.

 

Clarke locks eyes with her. The music stops, people finally shut up, everything’s quiet. No one’s moving, no one’s doing anything. Clarke walks towards her with slow steps. The girl’s smiling so much, but Clarke can’t move a muscle. Jasper’s suddenly gone, everyone’s gone. Clarke grabs her hands gently, holds them and the girl’s lips are moving, saying something. But Clarke can’t hear it.

 

She leans in, slowly at first but then quicker, because she can’t wait a second longer. She kisses her and it’s not until the girl kisses her back that the music starts playing and people start talking and everything begins again. Maybe it never stopped. Maybe it was just Clarke’s head only focusing on the important thing, the important person, in the room.

 

“That was a bit of a welcome, “ Lexa says, her voice struggling to be heard over the music.

 

“You look beautiful, “ Clarke says, keeping her eyes locked on Lexa’s. Though, the tight black dress and the gold jewelry, the shiny lip-gloss and the matching gold eyeshadow are all standing out, filling the rest of Clarke’s view.

 

“You’re being dramatic, “ Lexa says and her cheeks go pink. She’s blushing. “I’m sorry for being so late. “

 

“It’s fine. You’re here, “ Clarke says. She takes a small step back, but changes her mind. She leans back in for another kiss and her fingers slowly run through Lexa’s curls. She feels dazed as she falls back onto her heels. “Do you want to meet everyone or- “ Clarke doesn’t know what the ‘or’ would be, the only word coming to her is ‘bedroom’, but she stops talking.

 

“Yes, let’s meet everyone. “ Lexa giggles slightly and it feels like Clarke’s knees have disappeared, like her legs are jelly and her heart is taking up most of the room in her stomach. She feels so full of warmth and something she hasn’t felt in so long, she can’t understand what’s happening.

 

_____________________________

 

“Lexa Woods! “ Jasper says. He’s retreated to Monty the moment the two girls started kissing in the doorway. “You okay? “ He asks and winks, lifting his eyebrows and nudging her with his elbow.

 

“You’re too much, “ She says flatly, but with a nervous smile. The entire group is standing in front of her and Clarke and it feels like the first time she’s meeting them.

 

“It’s been too long, Lexa, “ Lincoln says, pulling her in for a hug. Clarke can easily see the tension in Lexa’s movements, but with every person hugging her and greeting her awkwardly, Clarke takes her hand and kisses it gently.

 

“We didn’t get to meet at the last party, I don’t think, “ Finn says, holding out his hand. “I’m Finn. “

 

“Lexa, “ She answers and shakes his hand. Her back is straight and she’s holding her breath as she grinds her teeth slowly.

 

“Easy, “ Clarke whispers and squeezes Lexa’s hand. “We’re going to get something to drink. Excuse us, “ Clarke says and smiles. She leads Lexa to the kitchen behind a separating wall. It’s empty and quiet. “Was it horrible? “

 

“It could’ve been worse. Finn already hates me- “

 

“He doesn’t. Also, if he does… Then it doesn’t matter. Let’s just have and fun ignore all the things that are going through your head right now, “ Clarke says. She pours a mixture of something blue with sprite and hands it over to Lexa, who takes it and sips it slowly.

 

“Why did you kiss me like that when I came inside? “ Lexa asks, jumping to sit on the counter. She pulls her dress down a little so it almost hits her knees.

 

“Like what? I just kissed you, “ Clarke says and pours another drink for herself.

 

“ _No_ , I would’ve remembered if you’d ever kissed me like that before. “ Lexa smirks, grabbing Clarke’s hand. “I feel like you’re holding back because of the things I’ve told you- you know, about Costia and stuff. “

 

“Don’t you want me to hold back? I thought we agreed to take things slow, “ Clarke says. She looks up at Lexa, who’s now even taller than Clarke.

 

“I did want to take things slow. But holding back and taking things slow can be two very different things. I want to be careful and to think about what’s happening between us. But- but I don’t want you to feel like you can’t kiss me like that, “ She says. Lexa’s blushing hard and her hands are sweaty by her side.

 

“Okay, “ Clarke whispers. “I won’t hold back, but that means you can’t hold back either. Let’s- let’s just get drunk and have fun, okay? No holding back tonight. “

 

“No holding back, “ Lexa repeats a little less confident than Clarke.

 

_____________________________

 

“Truth or dare, everybody! Every time you choose not answer or do the dare, you have to drink! “ Octavia yells, pushing the coffee table out of the way, making room for the group to sit on the couch and around it. “I’ll start. Lincoln! Truth or dare, “ She says and grins.

 

“I’ll go with… Dare! “ He says. The rest of the group sighs loudly, all with big, drunken smiles on their faces.

 

“Well then, sir. I dare you to… “ She leans in closer, covering his ear with her hands and whispering something to him. Lincoln’s face goes a little red and his smile goes wider.

 

The game moves on. Jasper dares Raven to drink a ridiculous amount of vodka and she does it without even blinking. Lincoln asks Lexa what she really thinks about working with Jasper and she tells them the hurtful truth. Jasper hurts Lexa back by being dared to sing a song of his own choice. He chooses ‘Love you like a love song’ by Selena Gomez and everybody screams to make him stop.

 

“Okay! New game! ‘Who’d you rather’ and it has to be with people in this room! “ Jasper says. “If you don’t answer… Drink! “

 

“Monty! “ Clarke says and smiles. “Who’d you rather… Octavia or me. “

 

“Oh, come on! “ Monty exclaims, cheeks going slightly pink. He’s always been the worst at these games, too embarrassed to say anything. He downs his drink and grabs a beer from a pack behind him. “Not answering. Raven, who’d you rather… “ He looks around the room. “That guy, “ He points at a guy with long hair put up in a messy bun. “Or that guy. “ He points to a different guy. His hair is shaven short and has been dyed in different shades of green.

 

“You’re the worst, Monty, “ She says. Raven looks at the two guys over and over. “I’d go with the green haired guy, then. “ She laughs. Octavia yells objections to why you should never sleep with a guy with green hair and Finn makes jokes about getting a haircut.

 

“Okay, okay! “ Raven says, to continue the game. “Clarke! “ She says and laughs. The alcohol has been hitting her hard in the past half hour of this game, the empty vodka bottle by her side is a proof of that. “Who’d you rather… “ She points around the room with her finger dramatically and it lands on Lexa. “Lexa or… “ She turns her head. “Finn. “

 

Clarke thinks of multiple curse words that would suit Raven. She thinks about great comebacks and insults, but she can’t get a single word out. Her tongue’s stuck in her throat and she can’t move.

 

“Not cool, Raven, “ Octavia says and shakes her head when people go quiet and Clarke hasn’t said anything for a full minute.

 

“What? It’s just a joke, guys. Come _on_. If we can’t laugh about this- “ Raven mumbles, slurring her words.

 

“You’re drunk, “ Octavia says again. “Game’s over. “ She grabs Lincoln’s hand and drags him away from the others. Jasper and Monty go with them and Finn follows Raven to the kitchen. Lexa and Clarke are left alone on the floor by the couch.

 

“Clarke- “ Lexa tries, but Clarke shakes her head quickly.

 

“I- why does she feel the need to say that kind of stuff? It’s not- it’s such a dick move, “ Clarke says and gets up. Lexa follows her, tugging her dress down again and running her fingers through her hair.

 

“I don’t care, Clarke. But, if you want me to punch her I will, “ She says and smiles. Clarke leans into her arms and kisses the side of her neck. Lexa’s skin is warm and soft and her hair smells like every flower at once. “We’re having fun and not holding back, remember? “ Lexa whispers.

 

Clarke sighs but leans back to lock eyes with Lexa. “I remember. “

 

“Let’s beat some of your friends in beer pong, okay? “

 

_____________________________

 

The party’s almost over. Octavia and Lincoln have, once again, disappeared into their bedroom with the door locked behind them. Jasper is telling stories to some of the others and Monty’s slowly cleaning up here and there, joining conversations for a brief moment before moving on.

 

“I need to use the bathroom. I’ll be back in a moment, “ Clarke says, kissing Lexa’s cheek before walking through the room, down the hallway and out to the bathroom. Lexa’s sitting on the couch with her legs folded, one over the other. She can feel the slight buzz from the alcohol fading away and suddenly she feels tired, like it hits her at once.

 

There’s a bubbly feeling inside of her, like her fingers are tingling as if they were freezing cold and had just started to heat up again. She can feel it all throughout her body. It’s nice. It’s warm. The people around her have crashed on couches and pillows on the floor. Jasper looks up to meet her eyes and smiles briefly before continuing with the story telling.

 

It’s been a long, long time since Lexa last felt like this, since Lexa last got drunk. She shuts her eyes for a moment and thinks back to one of the first parties she ever went to. She remembers the loud music with the beat so prominent she could feel it pounding in her chest. The lights were dancing all around the room and people were singing along to lyrics Lexa didn’t know. Costia was leaning up against her, her chin placed on Lexa’s shoulder because she couldn’t reach any higher. She, Costia, hadn’t wanted to go, but Lexa convinced her it would be good for them.

 

And it was. They’d danced and mumbled along to the lyrics. They had drink after drink and people were cheering them as they played games. They were the life of the party for just a little while, and Lexa had never felt more… _More_. She remembers the feeling of the liquid courage running through her body as she walked home with Costia. She remembers the night they spent together in Lexa’s bedroom and all the things they explored together.

 

A single tear falls down Lexa’s cheek as she looks up to see Clarke’s worried face above her. “I’m okay, “ She hurries to say and gets up from the couch.

 

“What were you thinking about? “ Clarke asks as she grabs Lexa’s hand and kisses it briefly.

 

“Nothing, it’s fine. “ Lexa shakes her head and looks at the floor until her eyes stops watering and her voice isn’t shaking so much.

 

“No holding back, remember? “ Clarke whispers. But Lexa doesn’t answer. She just smiles and shakes her head. “Let’s go home. “

 

_____________________________

 

The quiet space of Clarke’s apartment leaves their head buzzing and ringing from the party’s noise. Clarke pours some ice cold water into two cups and gives one to Lexa, who’s standing by the big window, looking at the paintings Clarke’s working on. Normally Clarke would pack everything away, but she didn’t have the time this morning.

 

“These are so… “ Lexa shakes her head and turns to Clarke, speechless. “I didn’t know you painted? “

 

“Well, “ Clarke says and shrugs slightly.

 

“I like them, “ Lexa says and turns back to the canvas on the easel. The soft colors of the pink and blue joining on the left side of the painting, with the harsh contrast of the yellow line crossing the two colors, everything about it makes Lexa want to smile even harder.

 

“Are you tired? “ Clarke asks. There’s some sort of tension in the air between them, a nice kind of tension. The anticipation of something unknown and dream-like.

 

“A little bit, yeah. “

 

“Well, the bathroom’s right there, “ She points to the closed door on her right. “and the, uh, the bedroom is here. “ Clarke points at the half open door on the opposite side of the room. “I can take the couch if you feel like that’s more, uhm, if you’d rather want- I mean, if it’s not- “

 

“Clarke, “ Lexa laughs and puts down the glass of water. She takes a few slow steps toward Clarke and then gently curls her fingers around Clarke’s. “No holding back, “ She whispers.


	7. Chapter 7

The Sunday morning sun is warm against Lexa’s sweaty skin. She’s lying flat on her stomach, almost falling over the edge of the madras. Slowly, she opens her eyes and looks around the quiet room. Her dress is on the floor by the closet, the bra near the opposite wall and, lastly, her underwear is right by the bed. Her head is heavy as she lifts it and sits up on the edge of the white covers. Calming sounds of footsteps and soft mumbling is coming from the door.

 

“Lexa! “ Clarke says a little too loud. Her hair is dripping wet down her half naked body, spotting her grey knickers. “I- I didn’t know when you’d be up so I just took a shower. Did I wake you? “ Clarke asks.

 

Lexa swallows thickly and turns her head towards the floor, her cheeks are burning and she feels like she’s still dreaming. “You didn’t, no, “ Lexa says. She sees a glimpse of Clarke walking around the bed. The madras creaks gently as she, Clarke, crawls over it, ending up right behind Lexa. “Clarke, “ Lexa whispers as she turns around. Clarke kisses her deeply, her hair sticking to her face and making Lexa’s cheeks wet.

 

“Good morning, “ Clarke says and smiles.

 

“Good morning, “ Lexa answers with a light sigh. “I have work soon. “

 

“You don’t even know what time it is, “ Clarke whispers. She runs her fingers through Lexa’s messy, tangled curls and grins even wider when she finds a feather from her pillow.

 

“It’s sunny outside, which means I’m already late. “ Lexa grabs her clothes and puts it on.

 

“You can borrow something, you know, if you don’t feel like wearing a dress for work, “ Clarke says. She has a strange smirk on her face and she’s sitting with her legs crossed on the bed.

 

“I’m going home before work, thank you. “

 

“Why do I feel like you’re running away from me? “ Clarke asks, and though her voice was light, her smile fades the tiniest bit, but, of course, Lexa notices right away.

 

“I’m not. Never, “ She says. Lexa drops her dress on her floor and ignores the bra-strap falling down from her shoulder. She jumps onto the bed, wrapping her arms around Clarke’s waist and holds her tight, kissing her from her neck to her chest.

 

“Never ever? “ Clarke says through deep laughter.

 

“Never ever, “ Lexa says. “Ever, “ She continues. And with every ‘ever’ she kisses Clarke again and again. “Ever, ever, ever! “ She yells and meets Clarke’s lips once again. “Ever, “ She whispers into Clarke’s cheek.

 

_____________________________

 

“You guys fucked, right? “ Octavia asks as she pours Clarke a cup of coffee.

 

“O’! “ Clarke yells, but her face is burning red and she pictures the messy bedroom she left to come see her best friend.

 

“Was it _good_? “ Octavia asks, sitting down next to Clarke on the couch. The room still carries the scent of alcohol from last night.

 

“It was… “ Clarke thinks for a moment. No word seems to describe the feelings she felt just hours ago.

 

“That’s answer enough, “ Octavia laughs and nudges Clarke with her elbow. “Happy to hear Raven didn’t ruin your night. “

 

“She couldn’t have. Not even if she were to… See? Nothing. There’s literally nothing she could’ve done. “ Clarke grins.

 

“She called me this morning. Before you got here, “ Octavia says. She’s wrapping her fingers round her mug and biting her lip nervously.

 

“What? What is it? “ Clarke asks. She puts down her cup and leans back against the couch. “What did she say? “

 

“She- “ Octavia clears her throat. “She just, you know, wanted to see if the party ended well and I- “

 

“ _O_ ’? “ Clarke crosses her arms.

 

“Okay, fine! She’s-on-her-way-over-right-now-I’m-sorry! “ Octavia spits out the words to quickly they all fall into one blob of sounds. Clarke almost couldn’t understand it.

 

“She’s _what_? “ Clarke yells, jumping up from the couch as if Raven would just appear right on it any moment. “Octavia fucking Blake- “

 

“Clarke! I know you hate her right now and, yes, if I were you I’d probably hate _me_ very much as well. But- _but_ , “ Octavia says, grabbing Clarke’s wrist as she turns towards the door. “Even though Raven has been a total dick lately, she’s still our best friend and I cannot deal with you two hating each other and not being okay! Okay? “

 

Clarke falls back on the couch and shuts her eyes. “I had such a great morning, O’. Why did you feel the need to ruin it like this? “ Clarke sighs and downs her, already cold, coffee.

 

_____________________________

 

The knocks on the door comes about twenty minutes later, which means Raven must’ve been at Finn’s place – which used to be Finn and Clarke’s place. Clarke doesn’t even look towards the door as Raven walks in. Octavia gets up to greet her with her arms wide open and a big smile on her face, as if they haven’t seen each other in forever.

 

“Hello, Clarke, “ Rave says. Her voice is raspy and nervous, though it still holds the superior tone Raven always nails. Clarke doesn’t flinch, doesn’t turn to look, doesn’t answer. She keeps her eyes on the TV in front of her and changes the channel when the program ends. “Well, I tried- “ Raven sighs and claps her hands together in strained amusement.

 

“Wait! “ Octavia says and forces Raven to stay by holding her arm tight. “Just- let’s do this the old way… High school style! “ Octavia says and lifts an eyebrow.

 

“I’m leaving, “ Clarke says and turns off the TV.

 

“No, you’re not! “ Octavia grinds her teeth and pushes the two girls towards the floor around the coffee table in the small living room. “Clarke, “ She says and forces a smile. “You start. “

 

“I hate you, O’, “ Clarke says and rolls her eyes, ignoring being punched by Octavia. “Fine, fine! “ She sighs loudly. “I’m mad at you, Raven, because even though I’m okay with the fact that you’re dating my ex-boyfriend, you still managed to be a total ass to me. And, honestly, you can say whatever you want to me, I don’t really care, it’s more the fact that you just _had_ to do it in front of Lexa, too. “

 

“Okay, “ Octavia says slowly and nods approvingly. “And Raven? “ She asks, turning to the girl with the warm skin tone. “What do you think about this? “

 

“I think that this is bullshit and that I’m wasting my time- “

 

“Raven! “ Octavia yells and slaps her thigh.

 

“Shit, okay! I think that you’re right. I should be grateful for you _letting_ me have Finn and I think that I should cherish you for the wonderful and generous person you are. Thank you, Clarke, for letting me date him and make him happy. You truly are the better person here- “

 

“Screw you, Raven, “ Clarke says and tries to get up, but Octavia holds her down by the wrist.

 

“Raven, god fucking damn it! At least try! “ Octavia sighs.

 

“Why should I? She’s just going to be mad at me no matter what! And it makes sense. I fucked up by kissing Finn a year ago. I’m sorry, okay? I had feelings for him and we were both drunk. He was unhappy because you’d spent the entire fucking evening talking to everybody except him, okay? I kissed him because I was leaving for a year and I thought it’d be fine. “ Raven takes a deep breath and her eyes dart to the floor.

 

“The whole fucking year I just thought about that kiss and how it shouldn’t have happened. I was so guilty, so upset, because of it. I- I don’t know why I did it, okay? I was upset about leaving and I saw that he was upset about something, too! I know it won’t help, but I’m sorry. Clarke, I’m so fucking sorry. And, “ She says and clears her throat. “What I said at the party was dumb. I was nervous about you being there. I was scared Finn might regret being with me and that maybe he’d want you back or something. I thought my stupid comment, my not so funny joke, would help in some way, I don’t know. I panicked. “

 

“Raven, “ Clarke says and shuts her eyes for a moment. “Do you really like him? “

 

“I love him, “ She says slowly as Octavia squeals next to her. “I do, Clarke. I love him. I’ve loved him for a year now. “

 

“Well, “ Clarke says. She raises her shoulders for a moment and lets them fall with a big sigh. “Then I forgive you. I knew you two would be happier together and me being hurt by some of your mistakes won’t help anyone. I forgive you. “

 

_____________________________

 

“How’s your day been? “ Clarke asks Lexa after greeting her with a kiss in the doorway. Lexa smiles sleepily and dumps her handbag next to the door, almost stumbling to the couch with a big sigh. “I’ll take that as busy, “ Clarke grins.

 

“Just… “ Lexa shakes her head. “A lot of people calling again and again. Plus, Jasper’s got this new obsession with showing me videos of people falling over things, and, honestly, I’m just not that into it. “ Clarke can’t help but laugh. She sits down on the couch next to Lexa and wraps her arms around her, letting Lexa’s head rest up against her chest.

 

“Well, let’s just watch TV and I’ll cook- “ Clarke stops talking as Lexa turns her head and lifts an eyebrow with a smug smile. “Or I’ll order something, “ Clarke laughs.

 

_____________________________

 

It’s just as Lexa’s fallen asleep, still wrapped up in a fuzzy blanket and Clarke’s arms, that the buzzer for the door goes off. Clarke slowly sneaks away from the couch, letting Lexa rest against some pillows. She, Lexa, mumbles softly something Clarke doesn’t quite catch on her way to the door. “Hello? “ She whispers through the hole to the microphone.

 

“Clarke? “

 

“Murphy! “ Clarke squeals, but swears under her breath when Lexa turns, still asleep. “What are you doing here? “

 

“I can leave if it’s- “

 

“No, no of course not. Come on up. “ Clarke presses the small, yellow button and waits by the door for Murphy to come. She opens it and shushes him the moment he takes a step inside. “Lexa’s asleep, “ Clarke whispers and nods towards the couch. “We can go in the kitchen. “

 

The small kitchen with the dark, orangey wood and black tiles seems too tiny for both of them. Clarke jumps on the counter and swings her legs back and forth, waiting for Murphy to start the conversation again. He’s looking out the small window above the sink, though you can’t see much more than the roofs of other, smaller buildings. The view from the living room is much nicer.

 

“You do realize you’re the one who came here, right? “ Clarke says and lifts an eyebrow.

 

“I do, “ He answers shortly.

 

“So… “ Clarke laughs.

 

“So, “ He answers. His eyes are droopy and his nose is crooked from when he broke it a couple of years ago. He still hasn’t told anyone how it happened, and whenever someone asks he makes up a new story.

 

“Is it about Emori? “ Clarke asks, almost whispering the name of his ex-girlfriend. He leans back against the wall and shuts his eyes for a moment. “Have you talked to her since… “

 

“Since she dumped me? “ He almost laughs but the smile doesn’t quite reach his face. “I’ve tried. She, uh, she’s moved away… In with her mother, or something. When I came to see her at her apartment she’d left a note on the door telling me she needed me to stay away- “

 

“Murphy… “ Clarke whispers, but he cringes from the sound of her pity-voice.

 

“She’s changed her number and blocked me on… Everything. She might as well have changed her name and fled the country. “ He’s gritting his teeth and clenching his fists.

 

“You’re getting angry, Murphy, “ Clarke says and reaches out for him from the counter, but he turns around with a quick grunt. “Murphy, “ She says, her voice stern, and jumps down. “If this is what she needed to do… Then you need to respect it. I know it sucks and hurts, okay? “

 

“Don’t pity me, Clarke. “

 

“Well, I am. So get used to it. Are you still living with Monty and Jasper? “ She asks, trying to change the topic slightly.

 

“No, I- I told them I could live with one of my friends down town, “ He says as his eyes dart to the floor in front of him.

 

“And are you? “ Clarke asks, but Murphy’s shaking hands, greasy hair, lousy beard and dirty clothes speak for themselves. “Murphy, where are you living right now? “ She asks and takes his hand, forcing it close to her.

 

“Don’t pity me- “

 

“Stop that! Murphy, if you’re fucking living on the street you better tell- “ He pulls his hand away from Clarke with a quick movement.

 

“I’m not! “ He yells. He spins around and punches the top cabinet hard, his knuckles turned bright red from the pain. “Jesus fucking Christ, Clarke! “ He screams, trying to push his way past her, but she grabs his wrist drags him away from the door. “Let go of me! “ He yells, his voice breaking.

 

“Murphy, “ Clarke says, holding his wrist in a tighter grip. “It’s okay, “ She whispers. She watches how a single tear drops down his cheeks and follows his jaw to the tip of his chin. “It’s okay to- to break down and cry- “

 

He rips his hand away from Clarke and dries his face quickly. Murphy takes a step forward, towards Clarke, and grinds his teeth for a second or two. “I don’t break, “ He says and spins around, walking out of the kitchen and into the open living room. Lexa’s standing by the couch, looking confused and slightly scared.

 

“I heard someone yell- “ She tries, but Murphy rushes past her, Clarke right behind him.

 

“Murphy, please! Let me help you. You can stay here if you want to, please, don’t just leave like this! “ She calls after him, trying to get in his way, but he pushes her aside. “Murphy! “ She yells and stomps her foot in the floor in front of him.

 

“Get out of my way, Clarke, “ He says through gritted teeth. She shakes her head and tries to take his hand again, but he grabs her upper arm and holds it tight. She winces for a second, but then Lexa’s standing in front of her, right between her and Murphy.

 

“Let go of her, “ Lexa says with a calm voice. “John, please. “ She begs, though her chin is lifted and her back is straight. Her hands are in two tight fists by her side and Clarke almost feels frightened by the power Lexa’s oozing.

 

“Lexa, drop it. This is not the time for you to play bodyguard- “

 

“Let go of her, John. “ Clarke can’t help but feel confused. The tone they’re both talking in, how Lexa calls Murphy by his first name, though Clarke doesn’t remember anyone ever telling it to her, doesn’t make sense. Also, they’ve only met each other once at Raven’s welcome back party and they’re standing close enough for anyone to think they’d be good friends.

 

“Back off, Lexa. “ He breathes heavily, his eyes locked on the girl several inches smaller than him. Her hair is messy around her face and her eyes are still tired with sleep. “You’re getting in my way again. “

 

“And you’re getting on my nerves again. “

 

“What the hell is happening? “ Clarke suddenly yells. She pulls herself out of Murphy’s grip and takes a step back. “Why are you two so… “ Clarke doesn’t know how to finish her sentence.

 

“I’ve wanted to tell you, “ Lexa says quickly, her eyes still locked on Murphy’s broad shoulders and hunched back. “We- “

 

“We used to date- “ Murphy says and small grin appears on his lips.

 

“We _didn’t_ , “ Lexa says, clearly annoyed. “We went to college together and had a few classes here and there. “

 

“Oh, come on! “ Murphy laughs. “We were pretty much best friends until- “

 

“Shut it, John, “ Lexa says and shuts her eyes with a sigh.

 

“Until what? “ Clarke asks, her heart beating through her chest. “Why did you pretend not to know each other at the party a couple months ago? “

 

“Well, “ Murphy says and spins on his heel in amusement. “We were very good friends, had the same group we always hung out with and then- “

 

“Then I made a mistake and now we’re here. End of story, John. “

 

“Do you even know Clarke? She’s a very nosy little girl- “

 

“Hey! “ Clarke says abruptly. “Just… Tell me, please. “

 

“If you don’t, I will, “ Murphy says and sits down on the couch with his feet on the table. Lexa bites her lip and keeps her powerful position as Murphy begins to tell the story. “As I said, we were besties, pretty much. Hung out every day in my room until one very late night- “

 

“With a lot of alcohol consumed, “ Lexa says.

 

“A _lot_ of alcohol, “ Murphy continues and eyes Lexa up and down for a dramatic finish. “Lexa was upset about something, probably ran out of her favorite black eyeliner, and we ended up making out. A lot. For a long time. “ He adds, just to see the anger in Lexa’s eyes.

 

“We kissed a couple times and I fell asleep in your roommates’ bed, “ Lexa says. “And it wasn’t because of an eyeliner, you asshole. “

 

“Then what was it? Missed a class? Forgot to text your parents goodnight? “ He laughs. Clarke can tell Lexa’s back is straightening even more, and she’s sure if Lexa continues to clench her fists she’s going to break something.

 

“It doesn’t matter, “ Clarke says and takes Lexa’s hand. “Why didn’t you tell me you already knew each other? And why do you hate each- “

 

“I dumped him, “ Lexa says and the satisfaction of her answer spreads across her face and makes her calm down a little. It has the opposite effect on Murphy. “Told him I wasn’t interested and that no way in hell I would ever be with him. “

 

“Little did I know the girl who I ended up kissing that night was gay- “

 

“Shut up, “ Lexa adds, just because she doesn’t know what else to say or do. “I dropped out of college soon after- “

 

“Couldn’t stand the idea of not being with me, but still being in the same room as me- “

 

“More like couldn’t stand to hear you crying every night because you missed me- “ Lexa yells, but Clarke holds her hand a little tighter to calm her down.

 

“Oh, don’t think so highly of yourself. You were clearly upset about loosing your best friend, Lexa. I still have my half of the necklace, “ He says and pretends to take one off from around his neck and throws it on the ground with a laugh.

 

“I didn’t leave college because of you, dickhead. “

 

“Then why did you? “ He asks, still smiling from the couch.

 

“It doesn’t matter- “

 

“Of course it matters you fucking moron! You left me alone with the others, Lexa. You know how they were, what they did and said, and you still decided to leave! “ Murphy’s yelling now, shaking his head with a strange grimace.

 

“It wasn’t my decision, “ Lexa whispers. Clarke can feel her hand shake in hers.

 

“Lexa- “ Clarke tries, but Lexa cuts her off with a nod.

 

“My mom died, “ She says. Murphy, who’d gotten up from the couch, falls a step backwards, his mouth hanging open and his face drained of color.

 

“I- I didn’t- I didn’t know. Why didn’t you tell me- tell _us_? “

 

“Because- “ Lexa shakes her head. “Because I don’t do that kind of stuff, okay? “ Lexa whispers. Clarke doesn’t know what to do. She’s normally good in social situations, but this is a mess and she feels overwhelmed by the feeling of not being able to help her friends.

 

“I’m- I’m sorry but I have to leave, “ Murphy says, almost running out of the apartment with his jacket over his shoulder. Clarke doesn’t react to his sudden departure, she’s standing still, holding her breath and waiting for Lexa to do or say something.

 

But Lexa keeps her mouth shut and her eyes fixed on a painting above the couch. It’s of a sunset and field of flowers. Clarke bought it when she was a teenager and has brought it with her everywhere she’s been since then. “I like that painting, “ Lexa says. Her voice shivers and her hand is sweaty in Clarke’s.

 

“Let’s sit down- “

 

“No, “ Lexa says and now her voice is cold, no longer shaking. “Can we please talk about something else? “ She lets go of Clarke’s hand and she, Clarke, feels so empty and heavy without it.

 

“Okay, “ Clarke says, though the crease between her eyebrows is still showing and her heart is still beating too fast.


	8. Chapter 8

Clarke leaves for work early the next Monday, letting Lexa keep sleeping. It’s a cloudy day and people are starting to pack on their clothes as they walk the busy streets of the big town. Clarke’s wearing her black, flared trousers and light green shirt loosely tucked into them. Her hair is in a high ponytail except for pieces here and there, which were blown out from the wind.

 

“Clarke Griffin, “ Octavia says and steps inside the messy office. She’s carrying piles of paper Clarke needs to look through, giving her opinion on the new ideas for the children books animations. “You look tired. Has Lexa kept you up all night? “ Octavia smirks and dumps the piles on the desk in front of the blonde.

 

“Yes, but not for a good reason, “ Clarke mumbles and takes the first stack and looks through them, shaking her head as her eyes dart across the messy sketches of animals.

 

“Trouble in paradise? “ Octavia says, her voice a little worried. Clarke looks up, takes a deep breath and shrugs.

 

“Uh, no, “ She says. “She’s just, you know, a little ill. Kept coughing all night and stuff. Not nice, “ Clarke adds, keeping her face down towards her desk to hide her blushing cheeks. She doesn’t want to lie to Octavia, but yesterday’s drama doesn’t seem appropriate to discuss with anyone else but Lexa – and Murphy, for that matter.

 

“Aha, sure. “ Octavia eyes for a moment but seems to give up. “I’ve got too many things to do today to tell you how horrible of a liar you are, so I’ll see you later. “ Octavia leaves the room, shutting the glass door behind her and leaving Clarke to mutter curse words to herself in the quiet room.

 

_____________________________

 

It’s not until Clarke turns around to look through the window behind her, that she notices how dark the sky has gotten. She checks her watch and, sure enough, it’s way past her bedtime. Her phone has been packed away in her purse to make sure she wasn’t going to be distracted, just the bare thought of doing anything else than rate drawings of animals, fruits and living toys has been too tempting.

 

She packs away her things, shuts off her office phone and grabs her light coat and purse from beneath her desk. She turns off her desk lamp and the heating, sighs over how extra everything in her office is, and leaves the room. Outside in the big, open space people have already left. Only the hard-working people who literally doesn’t have anything else to do with their life, than to draw objects or logos for commercials are still there, getting permanent back injuries as they sit launched over their desk.

 

“Goodnight everybody, “ Clarke mutters, but no one hears her. She leaves down the elevator and waits for the ‘ding’ and walks outside. A light rain has picked up and there’s not a cab nearby. She doesn’t live too far away from here, but, still, the rain looks like it could get worse very quickly.

 

“Need a ride? “ Someone asks from behind her and she spins around quickly, ready to whip out the pepper spray from her purse.

 

“Finn, “ She says, sounding surprised. “What are you doing here? “

 

“I was- uh, well, I was buying tampons for Raven, actually, “ He says and nods towards the small, plastic bag in his hand. “Do you want to stay here in the rain, or do you want me to drive you home? “ He asks.

 

“Home, please, “ Clarke says and walks with him to the car across the street. “You never bought me tampons, “ She says, though she’s not sure why she did.

 

“Well, you always had a billion of them in the bathroom. Never thought you needed me to, “ He answered simply.

 

“Eleven years and never me bought tampons, “ Clarke mutters to herself and Finn answers with a warm laugh. She hasn’t realized how much she missed that. The car is warm and the windows start to fog up as they drive down the long, quiet rode.

 

“How are you? “ Finn asks after a moment of silence. “Both of you, “ He adds with a polite smile.

 

“We’re- we’re good, great. “ Clarke doesn’t know why she feels weird, why she feels something in her stomach telling her to shut up and never talk again.

 

“I’m glad, “ He says, ignoring the hesitation in Clarke’s voice.

 

“And you? “ Clarke asks, her hands sweaty from the awkwardness that is this conversation.

 

“We’re really great, “ He answers, making a right, then a left down a smaller street. “Raven’s moving in soon. “

 

“Oh, wow, “ Clarke says, because she doesn’t know how else to react.

 

“Yeah, she’s practically taking up the entire apartment anyway, so we figured it would make sense. “

 

“So- so you’re still living in our place? Or, I mean, where we used to live- “ Clarke cringes from the sound of her own voice.

 

“Yeah, that’s fine, right? “ He asks and waits for the light to turn green.

 

“I’m not going to decide where you can and can’t live, Finn, “ Clarke says and laughs. “If you like the place, stay there. “ Finn doesn’t answer, just makes another right and stops the car by the corner of Clarke’s apartment building.

 

“It’s here, right? “ He asks.

 

“Yeah- how did you know? “

 

“Lincoln told me, “ Finn laughs. “I’ll see you around, Clarke. “

 

“Yeah, see you. “ She pushes the door to the car shut and unlocks the metal gate to the building. Clarke walks up the stairs, ignoring the burn in her legs and the thought of maybe getting a gym membership. She opens the door to her apartment and walks in, dumping her things on the ground.

 

“Clarke, “ Lexa’s raspy voice calls from the couch. “You’re home, “ She says and moves a little. A bone in her leg cracks and she flinches from the sound.

 

“Sounds like you haven’t moved at all today, “ Clarke jokes, though the concerned tone in her voice appears loud and clear.

 

“I have moved. I moved when I needed to pay the pizza guy, “ Lexa says and laughs at the way Clarke’s entire face lights up. “It’s in the kitchen, still warm. Hey, grab me a piece! “ She calls as Clarke practically runs for the food.

 

They curl up on the couch after watching another episode of “Say yes to the dress”. Lexa’s body is the kind of warm you get when you’ve spend an entire day under a thick blanket. Her hair smells sweet, not as sweet as normal, though she’s probably not been in the shower today. Clarke’s heart is beating fast as she thinks about yesterday and the way Lexa’s been acting since. It’s like she’s completely denied what happened and the things she told Clarke.

 

“Lexa? “ Clarke asks, though she knows Lexa’s asleep. “Lexa, “ Clarke says again a little louder and this time Lexa grunts and wakes up quickly.

 

“Everything okay? Did I fall asleep again? “ She says and leans back down into Clarke’s chest. “Did she buy the dress? “ She mumbles, half asleep already.

 

“Yeah, “ Clarke whispers and kisses the top of Lexa’s curly head. “She did. “

 

_____________________________

 

The weekend rolls around and Lexa’s only left the apartment when Jasper’s called her to tell her their boss wants to talk to her. The lump in Clarke’s stomach has grown and she knows exactly why it’s there. She needs to talk to Lexa about last weekend, she feels like if she doesn’t do it soon, she’ll explode.

 

So when Lexa gets out of the shower, her hair wrapped up in the towel and skin shining from the moisturizer, Clarke grabs her hands and kisses her deeply. “What’s that for? “ Lexa says with an eased smile on her face.

 

“You know that I care about you very much, right? “ Clarke says. They sit down on the edge of Clarke’s bed together, Lexa’s back slowly straightening with every word Clarke speaks. “I wanted to give you a bit of time to process the things that happened last weekend, but it’s almost been a week and I- I just need to know if you’re okay. “

 

“I’m fine, Clarke. “

 

“But- “ Clarke doesn’t want to push Lexa to over share, she knows how easily Lexa shuts down on people and turns into a brick wall. Clarke never wants her to do that to her. “You haven’t, like, _really_ acted like you’re okay. You’ve spent more time on the couch than anyone in the history of life, and when you got home yesterday you seemed really… Upset. “

 

“I- I got fired yesterday, “ Lexa says with a sigh. “I haven’t been good with showing up and- Clarke, don’t look at me like that. It’s really nothing big. When I get tired of things like work, I usually end up getting fired, “ Lexa says with a laugh. “It just shows me I need to find something else. “

 

Clarke nods, but the frown is still on her face. “So- so that’s why you were upset yesterday, but what about Monday, Tuesday, Wed- “

 

“I get it, “ Lexa says, her voice stern. She’s folded her hands in her lap and her eyes are on her knees.

 

“I don’t want to push you- “

 

“I know. But, Clarke, there are just things I don’t want to talk about- “

 

“But I can see that you’re not okay with what happened and the things you told me, Lexa. I want to help you- “

 

“But you can’t, Clarke, because I don’t need help. Listen, I just get like this sometimes, okay? Next week I’ll be fine. People have tried to fix me before and- “

 

“Lexa, “ Clarke says and takes her hand. “I’m not trying to _fix_ you, okay? It’s just killing me to see you hurting over something I can’t help you with because I don’t know what it is. But- “

 

“No, Clarke, “Lexa says, keeping her voice light and a soft smile on her face. “I love that you care this much about me and that you worry about me like this, but I’m perfectly fine. Sometimes I have a bad week and this is just that, a bad week, nothing more. I’m already going to a job interview next week, okay? “ She kisses Clarke’s forehead and gives her another reassuring smile. “Thank you. “

 

But the lump in Clarke’s stomach is still there and for a short moment she feels like she could throw up.

 

_____________________________

 

Clarke’s Saturday morning is spend with Octavia, picking out clothes for a work-party next week. They’re in all the stores they love and Octavia’s finding dresses, skirts and jeans, ignoring the protesting texts she gets from Lincoln with every swipe of the credit card.

 

“Unless you’re planning on going naked, you seriously need to buy some stuff, Clarke, “ Octavia says with her judgy-eyebrow-up-and-smug-smile look on her face.

 

“My head is somewhere else, “ Clarke says as she fiddles with a short, black dress, but decides that it’s just too black and too short.

 

“Yeah, I can see that. Care to spill it, or am I going to be seeing you moping around for the rest of the day? If so, I should’ve taken Raven out. “

 

Clarke sighs loudly and dumps herself on a leather couch by the dressing rooms as Octavia walks in, pulls the curtain and changes her clothes. “It’s- it’s Lexa, “ Clarke begins. “Some stuff happened and I want her to feel like she can talk to me about it, but she just keeps shrugging it off like it’s nothing, though I can see that she’s clearly upset! “

 

Clarke feels like the ball in her stomach is getting lighter, though it’s still heavy and horrible. Octavia peeks out from the behind the purple curtain, a dress half over her head. “What _stuff_? “ She asks and she has that look on her face again.

 

“Just _stuff_ , O’. It’s personal and I’m not going to make her hate me even more by telling you, “ Clarke says. She rests her head against the mirror behind her as Octavia sneaks back behind the curtain.

 

“She doesn’t hate you, “ Octavia says and steps out to look at herself in more natural lighting. The dress stops just above the knees and hugs her figure nicely, though the cutout in the back is too deep for a workplace.

 

“Try the suit, “ Clarke says and points at the light grey suit with the pastel coral colored shirt. “Okay, so maybe she doesn’t _hate_ me. But I honestly just feel like she doesn’t trust me or something. She’s such a private person in some ways and even though I love her, I just feel like- “

 

The curtain gets whipped away and Octavia stands with her mouth open and eyes wide, the dress falls to her ankles, showing the stick-on bra and the tattoos scattered around the right side of her ribcage. “Clarke motherfucking Griffin, “ Octavia says and ignores the stares coming from the staff on their left by the register. “Did I just hear right? Did you just tell me you fucking love this girl? “ Octavia practically yells to the entire store and street outside.

 

“I- O’, I- just- get dressed and shut your stupid mouth! “ Clarke hisses as she resists the urge to push Octavia back inside the dressing room.

 

“You fucking love her? “ Octavia repeats behind the curtain.

 

“I- I don’t know, “ Clarke says. Her heart’s racing in her chest, but she also feels like it’s not beating at all. Her fingers are tingling and her mouth is dry. “Does loving someone feel like you’re also kind of dying? “ Clarke asks, more to herself than to Octavia.

 

“Yes. Totally, “ Octavia says and peeps her head out again, this time covering her half naked body. “Have you told her you love her? “ She asks.

 

“Of course not! She’d probably just reply with a shrug, “ Clarke says in bitterness. Though, she knows that’s not how Lexa would react. She thinks about Lexa saying those three words back to her, but with the way Lexa’s been acting lately, Clarke doesn’t see that happening anytime soon.

 

“Don’t be sour, little one, “ Octavia sings and walks out, wearing the suit that looks like it’s made for her. “I’m buying this and you’re telling your girlfriend you love her- “

 

“She’s not even my girlfriend, “ Clarke says, though she receives the vicious look from Octavia again, and decides not to dwell on it.

 

_____________________________

 

Back home Lexa’s on the couch. She sits up and greets Clarke with a peck on the lips and peeks inside the bag of clothes Clarke ended up buying. “Nice, “ Lexa says and grins, imagining Clarke in the skin tight, white dress that stops halfway down on her shins.

 

“You’re such a child, “ Clarke says and giggles. She looks towards the kitchen and sees the boxes from a take-away menu. “Lunch? “ She asks and Lexa answers with a nod and lets the dress fall back down in the bag. “How’s your morning been? “ Clarke asks, bringing the food to the couch and giving Lexa the olives she finds in the mixed salad. There’s nothing Clarke hates more than olives.

 

“I finally managed to organize your bookshelf, “ Lexa says and points towards it by the front door. “Color coordinated and everything, “ She adds.

 

“Productive, “ Clarke says and winces at the way it comes out, bitter and reserved. Lexa doesn’t say or do anything, which makes Clarke feel guilty. “I’m sorry, “ She says and kisses her forehead.

 

“It’s okay, “ Lexa says and turns down the TV. “How’s your morning been? “ She asks and leans up against the side of the couch with her legs curled under the blanket.

 

“Good, great. I bought this dress and O’ bought a million, “ She jokes and feels a little more relaxed at the sight of Lexa’s smile. “I was thinking that maybe you’d want to join us for the work-party? Lincoln’s coming too and other people’s- “ Clarke stops talking, because she doesn’t know what to say. Other people’s… _what_? Boyfriends, girlfriends? She doesn’t want to indicate what they, her and Lexa, are and end up scaring Lexa away.

 

“Other people’s… “ Lexa repeats and Clarke feels like her whole body is drained of life, that’s until she sees the smug smile on Lexa’s face. “Other people’s what, Clarke? “ She grins.

 

“Nothing, “ Clarke says and puts down her food on the coffee table.

 

“Oh, I think you were about to say something more, “ Lexa laughs and crawls her way over Clarke and sits on her lap, indicating she’s about to either fight her or tickle her.

 

“No, nope, not at all. I don’t know what you’re talking about, “ Clarke says, trying to grab Lexa’s wrists to keep her hands off her.

 

“Other people’s what, Clarke? “ Lexa repeats and tries to get her hands free, but Clarke leans forward and kisses Lexa deeply. Her hands slowly let go of Lexa’s, and fall to the harsh curves of her hips and waist.

 

“You were saying? “ Clarke says smugly, only just barely stopping the kiss. Lexa leans forward with her hands cupping Clarke’s face.

 

“I wasn’t saying anything, “ Lexa says and whimpers slightly as Clarke kisses the skin of her neck and jawline. “Though, if you’d want to call me your girlfriend, “ She says and smiles even wider at the way Clarke freezes, “I wouldn’t hate it. “

 

“Well, “ Clarke says, after a good ten seconds of silence. “I’ll consider it, “ She says and laughs when Lexa slaps her on her upper arm. Clarke grabs Lexa by her waist and pulls her down beside herself on the couch.

 

As she kisses Lexa deeper and deeper, the ball, the lump, the stone cold and million pounds heavy thing in her stomach goes away, little by little, kiss by kiss.

 

_____________________________

 

Clarke’s hand is sweaty in Lexa’s as they step inside the big building. Clarke smiles and says ‘hello’ to her colleagues in the doorway. Everyone’s wearing fancy dresses or nice suits, people have shining, shimmering jewelry on and their hair is either braided, curled, pinned or set in beautiful ways.

 

“Clarke! “ Octavia calls and waves awkwardly through the entire room. “Over here, dipshit! “ She yells. Lexa keeps a tight hold of Clarke’s hand as she tries to hide her laugh. The fancy people who’re dressed up seem to have already made up their mind about Octavia. “You’re late, “ Octavia says, winking at Clarke who just shakes her head.

 

“ _Anyway_ , “ Lincoln says and takes a step forward. “You both look amazing. “ He hugs Clarke deeply and then gives Lexa a short, tight hug and an understanding nod. Clarke feels like there’s something unspoken between them, as if they’d known each other in a previous life. Clarke can’t but to wonder if maybe they, too, knew each other from college.

 

“You too, “ Lexa says, after noticing the silence coming from Clarke. “Should we go grab a drink? “ She asks Clarke, almost forcing her to the table with the bubbling champagne in the tall glasses.

 

“Sure, “ Clarke says and follows Lexa.

 

“Here, “ Lexa says and gives Clarke a glass. The room is starting to get filled up with people Clarke works with. The air gets thick and there’s the loud mumbling of voices coming from every angle. “Clarke, are you- “

 

“Clarke Griffin! “ A man with a deep voice says. His eyes don’t reach the cheery voice he’s clearly faking as he gives her a firm handshake. His face is droopy and the bags under his eyes gives Lexa the clear idea, that he must be a very important person in the business, since he clearly isn’t getting much sleep.

 

“Titus, “ Clarke says with a straining voice. “I- I had no idea you’d be here. “ She shakes his hand for nothing more than a second. “What a nice surprise. “

 

Titus is wearing a long, grey jacket with big, loose sleeves. The hood of the jacket is in dark leather and so are the details along the buttons and pockets. His bald head is pale and almost shines, though Lexa can just spot the top of it, which is covered in detailed tattoos.

 

“Who’s this? “ He asks and nods his head, the fake smile still firmly on his lips.

 

“Lexa, “ Clarke says. “My girlfriend. “

 

“It’s nice to meet you, sir, “ Lexa says and shakes his hands, returning the fake smile.

 

“Likewise, “ He mumbles before nodding off and disappearing into the crowd. Lexa shakes her head and laughs for a second or two, before returning her attention towards Clarke.

 

“He seems like a nice person, “ She says ironically and reaches for a glass, too.

 

“Octavia and I are pretty sure he’s sent from hell to destroy us all, “ Clarke says and downs her glass.

 

“Yeah, you wouldn’t describe him as a crowd pleaser, “ Lexa says. “Is he someone important? “

 

“Depends, “ Clarke says.

 

“On what? “

 

“Would you describe the owner of this entire building important? “

 

Lexa almost chokes on her drink and ends up spilling it down her sleeve. “Shit, “ She swears and hurries to wipe most of it off with a clean napkin. The blazer’s green sleeve seems to be fine, though Clarke’s struggling to keep her laughing at bay. “No need to laugh, Griffin. I’ve got this under control. “

 

“Oh, sure. I can see that. Here, let’s get you cleaned up. “ Clarke takes the napkin from Lexa, who’s blushing hard and trying not to look the strangers in the eyes, as they hurry towards the bathroom.

 

Coming from the loud noises of other people’s conversations, and to the quiet bathroom almost feels overwhelming. “Do you even know half the people out there? “ Lexa asks as Clarke takes a mini towel from a pile under the sinks and start lightly dapping the blazer sleeve.

 

“I know who they are, “ Clarke says. “though, most of them are a bunch of asshats. “ Now it’s Lexa turn to laugh as an older lady steps out of the small cubical, washes and dries her hands and leaves the room with a very unpleasant expression.

 

“You know, “ Lexa says and wraps her arm around Clarke’s waist, enjoying the view of the blonde girl in the tight, white dress. “It was pretty amazing when you called me your girlfriend. “

 

“Yeah? “ Clarke says and grins, still cleaning off the jacket in her hands. She steals a look at Lexa’s bare shoulders through the mirror. When Lexa turns around to get a dry towel, the open backed top reveals the tattoo, that follows her spine. “Maybe you should keep the jacket off, “ Clarke says and enjoys Lexa’s short, airy laugh.

 

“Enjoying my ink? “ Lexa says and winks at Clarke, who answers with a satisfied mumble of nothing. “Maybe, just maybe, you’ll be lucky enough to see it later tonight, “ Lexa whispers as she takes the jacket and leaves the bathroom with Clarke right behind her.   


“You’re horribly cheesy, “ Clarke calls after her, with a big smile on her face.

 

_____________________________

 

The music grows louder and people get drunker. The fancy pearls and nice furs have been left in the assigned seats and people are dancing and spinning around on the floor in front of the DJ. Octavia’s still having a laugh about being the one in charge of music, and seeing everyone’s faces when they realized what was coming.

 

Now she’s out on the floor with Lexa, swirling and spinning and jumping and laughing. Lexa, who clearly enjoyed the champagne a little too much, and Octavia, who’s up for dancing and alcohol at any time, are taking up most of the room as they shake every part of their body along with the music’s loud beat.

 

“They’re insane! “ Lincoln says over the music, leaning in closer for Clarke to hear him.

 

“They’re amazing! “ Clarke calls back and laughs at Lexa, who’s now trying to sing along to a dubstep song.

 

“I’m thinking about proposing, “ Lincoln says, keeping his eyes on Octavia. Clarke feels like the music stopped for a minute or two. She grabs his arm and holds it tight, squeezing harder and harder until Lincoln has to tell her to stop. “I would like to keep my blood circulation going, please. “

 

“You’re- Lincoln, I- you’re _what_? “ Clarke screams over the music, lucky enough Octavia and Lexa are spinning each other around and yelling along with the beat of the music so loud no one could possibly hear Clarke.

 

“Yeah, don’t you think it’d be about time? We’ve been together for… Hell, I don’t even know. It just seems right, “ He says and shrugs, as if he would be asking Octavia what’s for dinner.

 

“She’s going to say yes, so it’s just whether or not _you_ ’re ready, “ Clarke says, after the shock leaves her body.

 

“I’m ready. “ Clarke wouldn’t have heard him if she hadn’t looked at his mouth, forming the words with a soft smile.

 

“Now? “ She asks.

 

“No, no. I- maybe tomorrow or something. I should get a ring first, “ He says and laughs shortly. “What would she like? “

 

“She’s going to love whatever you get her. It’s not about the ring, “ Clarke says and her entire body feels warm. “Just… Get her something _you_ like. She’ll love it, promise. “ Clarke can’t help herself. She walks around the tall table and hugs the man she loves more than she’d imagined the first time she’d seen him.

 

“Please don’t cry on my suit, Clarke, “ He says and hugs her back, placing a firm kiss on the top of her head.

 

“Should I be jealous? “ Octavia asks with Lexa right behind her.

 

“Maybe, “ Clarke says and wipes her eyes with the back of her hand. She shakes her head quickly and gives a reassuring smile to Lexa, who instantly notices the tears. “They’re happy-tears, “ Clarke whispers to her girlfriend when they get a little closer. “Promise. “

 

_____________________________

 

“Easy, tiger, “ Clarke says, grabbing Lexa’s other arm right before she slams into the doorway of Clarke’s apartment. The blonde hits the switch with her elbow and turns on the light in the living room, letting Lexa do a few claps in applause, a drunken smile on the soft lips.

 

“Very impressive, “ Lexa says and swears when she stubs her toe on the coffee table. “You- you moved the table, “ She mumbles and removes her jacket, leaving Clarke to hang it nicely on the back of a chair.

 

“Let’s get you to bed, “ Clarke says. “This is the last time I’m letting you drink with Octavia. “

 

“I won, though. “ Lexa lies down on Clarke’s bed, having almost tripped over the blue carpet by the door.

 

“What did you win? “ Clarke asks, as she begins to unbutton Lexa’s shirt and trousers to make her more comfortable.

 

“Your sexy ass in this bed, “ Lexa says and right after enjoying Clarke’s deep laughter, she slaps a hand over her mouth and runs for the bathroom, Clarke right behind her.

 

“There you go, “ Clarke says comfortingly as she holds Lexa’s curly hair away from the mess of a toilet beneath her girlfriend’s head. Clarke grabs a hair tie from the sink and ties Lexa’s hair away form her face. “I’ll get you some water, okay? “ Clarke says and kisses Lexa’s neck.

 

“I’m sorry, “ Lexa cries as she drinks the water slowly. “I think maybe Octavia won. “

 

“I think she did, yeah. “ Clarke grins as she wipes the throw up away from her girlfriend’s face. “Never drinking again? “ She asks with a sly smile on her face.

 

“Well, “ Lexa says and puts down the glass by the toilet. “I should probably get a little drunk at Octavia and Lincoln’s wedding. “

 

“He told you? “

 

“I wasn’t sure… Until now. “ Lexa laughs and Clarke pushes her lightly on the shoulder. “Maybe I could, you know, get your sexy ass on the bed another time? “ Lexa asks, her brows furrowed and with the sickened look on her face again as she turns towards the toilet.

 

“Maybe, yeah. “


	9. Chapter 9

It’s not until Clarke’s seeing her best friend in a long, white dress with lace and diamonds and sparkles that she realizes Octavia’s getting married. Though, the dress might be totally wrong for Octavia’s tattoos, braids and dark makeup, Clarke can’t help but to let the tears fall.

 

“I don’t even look good and you’re already crying, “ Octavia says, though you can easily hear her struggling to keep her voice calm.

 

“It’s just- you’re really doing this, getting married and all. It’s all just so real right now, “ Clarke says and takes the fancy napkin from the lady owning the store. “But yeah, you look like an old lady, honestly, that dress is as wrong as it could be. “

 

“That’s my cue, “ The owner says and walks away to find something else.

 

“Don’t be rude, “ Raven says with her arms crossed. “No dress could ever live up to O’s expectations. “

 

“That does make my job a little harder, “ The lady says, carrying three see-through bags over her shoulders, all containing each their dress. “Try these ones, though. “

 

And about ten minutes later Octavia comes out with the biggest smile on her face. The dress is long and drapes lightly over the floor behind her, leaving a trail of blush colored, lace fabric. The deep V-neck reveals the dark tattoo of a rose on Octavia’s chest, the sleeves are short and stop at the edge of her shoulders, ending in matching lace, which is covering the rest of the dress, too.

 

“What, with all due respect, the actual fuck! “ Clarke screams, making the rest of the store look with judgy eyes. “You look like a million bucks, O’. You look- you’re- it’s so- “ Clarke shakes her head and falls back into the white chair, keeping the napkin just under her eyes as she dries away the tears that are now forming waterfalls down her cheeks.

 

“That’s the one, “ Raven says. “That’s it. I want a photo of you, in that dress, hanging above my bed and every night I will, and I promise you this, pray to, and for, you. You will be the highlight of my apartment. “

 

“You look hot as fuck, “ Clarke says through hiccups and deep swallows to keep herself calm.

 

“I know, right! “ Octavia exclaims and claps as she does a spin, giving the owner severe anxiety as the dress almost gets stuck on the edge of the tall mirrors’ stands. “This is the one. This is it. “

 

_____________________________

 

“How long have we known each other? “ Lexa asks and turns to look at Clarke. They’re on the couch, the TV’s on and outside it’s slowly starting to get darker as they enter the fall months.

 

“Uh, “ Clarke thinks for a second. “Two- three months? “ She answers and runs her fingers through her hair. Bags are under her eyes, as she’s stayed up late almost every night, helping Octavia and Lincoln with their weddins. They like to do things quick and have already picked a date in late October. “Why? “

 

The obvious worry in Clarke’s voice makes Lexa’s hands sweaty. “I don’t know, “ Lexa answers and takes Clarke’s hand.

 

“You’re sweating, “ The blonde says and turns off the TV. “What’s going on, Lexa? “

 

“You haven’t asked about- about Murphy or my mother or anything- “

 

“You told me you didn’t want to talk about it. Do you want to talk about it now? “ Clarke asks. She doesn’t let go of Lexa’s hand as she adjusts her position on the couch a little more. Lying down doesn’t feel right, if they’re about to have an important conversation. “I’d like to hear about it, but only if you want me to know. “

 

“Costia- “ Lexa begins and sits up as well, supporting her back against the couch with an extra pillow. “After she died in the accident, I didn’t know what to do with myself. As I said, we had plans and dreams and being eighteen, we were both ready to get out and see things. I’d saved some money through high school. My mom always taught me to do that, to always be prepared and to always have a backup plan. So, when Costia was gone, I told my mom I needed to move away, be somewhere else, be some _one_ else. I moved away and found this college I’d never heard of before.

 

“I needed something so different and so new, so I applied, got accepted and began right away. Moved into my dorm with a girl I didn’t know. Soon, I met… Murphy. He’d already got this friend group and I just joined them. Pretended like everything was fine and made up some shitty story about why I didn’t know anything about the place, and that was it. I was living a completely new life. We did the things college kids do, went to parties and worked hard on our school stuff, “ Lexa says and sighs, keeping her fingers intertwined with Clarke’s, as to keep her in the room and not just flying off into the memories.

 

“So, “ She continues. “the big _kiss_ was in our third year. He’d been seeing this girl, but she wasn’t a big fan of the people Murphy hung out with, me included. He was pretty down about it, but, you know, Murphy doesn’t really show that kind of stuff. We were in his room after a party, his roommate was getting with some guy somewhere else, so the plan was just for me to sleep in his bed, the roommate’s. But- but it was the ‘anniversary’, or whatever you say, of Costia’s- of her, uh, dying. I was upset and drunk. “

 

“And you kissed him, “ Clarke says.

 

“I did. A part of me though it was a good thing, that it was me moving on, trying something else. “ She smiles at the last part, but only for a brief second. “We both fell asleep and when I woke up I felt even worse. I ignored what had happened, because I- I wasn’t into him. I was just trying to move on. I felt sorry for him. It just wasn’t fair to make him think something, when I wasn’t anywhere near having feelings for him.

 

“A week after I got the call. My mom had been found dead in her apartment back home. She, uh, overdosed, “ Lexa says. Clarke feels Lexa’s fingers to cold and how she’s tightening the grip around Clarke’s hand.

 

“So you left? “ Clarke asks, because she doesn’t know what else to say.

 

“I did. I dropped out of college and moved far away, across the country. I moved from state to state, using the money my mother had left for me. I did that for years and- and I guess that’s how I ended up here. “

 

“What about your dad? Couldn’t- couldn’t he have done something? “ Clarke asks, tears in her eyes. Every word Lexa speaks seems like a part of a horror movie. The pain of reliving the memories, of thinking back, shines through Lexa’s eyes like the headlights on a car at nighttime.

 

“I never knew him. I did think about finding him at one point, but I couldn’t- what if there was a reason I didn’t have him around when I was younger? I couldn’t- _can’t_ stand to give myself that kind of hope, of having someone around me. Whenever I’d meet someone, start to grow closer to them, I’d just leave. Tell them I couldn’t do it and just move away. “

 

“Don’t ever do that to me, “ Clarke finds herself saying. The tears are rolling down her face, and it’s like only now Lexa notices.

 

“Why would you think I’d do that? “ Lexa asks and gently wipes away the tears, though they’re streaming down and wiping a couple away won’t help. Clarke shakes her head and falls forward into Lexa’s arms, which she quickly wraps around her girlfriend.

 

“I’m- so, so sorry- “ Clarke says through cries. “I- I wish you- you could’ve- had a better life- “ She cries, trying to catch her breath. Lexa shushes her and holds the blonde girl tighter and kisses the top of her head. “I’m not- not the one who’s supposed to cry, “ Clarke says and looks up for a moment. The leftover mascara is piling beneath her eyes, enhancing the bags and blueish color.

 

“I think I’ve cried enough, “ Lexa says gently and makes an effort to wipe away the shiny black, which is spotting the light skin. “I have you now. All the things that have happened to me, they’ve all lead me to you and- and I wouldn’t change a thing, “ Lexa says and a small smile starts to appear. “I love you, “ She says and Clarke’s head whips up to meet her girlfriend’s shining eyes.

 

“I love you, too. “

 

_____________________________

 

The wedding was everything Clarke had envisioned for her two friends. Octavia had walked gracefully down the isle, winking and doing ‘finger guns’ at Clarke. Lincoln had been crying from the moment he saw the beautiful bride, who was also crying, though trying very hard to hide it. There had been music and speeches throughout the dinner, and things had gone horribly wrong, but Clarke had fixed everything within minutes. It wasn’t perfect, though, weddings planned in two months normally weren’t.

 

Now, as the sun is setting and the many fairy lights and candles are shining golden colors on the walls, people are dancing chest to chest in the middle of the room with their loved ones. Clarke is chatting near the bar with Bellamy, Octavia’s brother, who she hasn’t seen for years. Lexa is sitting at their tables, enjoying the calm music and the soft sounds of people conversing around her.

 

“Lexa? “

 

She looks up and sees his messy hair and lazy eyes. His hands are slightly shaking from the strong drink, though he seems to be rather sober. “Yes? “ She answers and scoots her chair to the side, giving him room enough to sit.

 

Murphy clears his throat and puts down his drink. “Can I have this dance? “ He asks and his blushing cheeks and somewhat bored look shows how silly even he thinks this is. So she says yes and enthusiastically takes his hand and leads them both to the middle of the room. He places one hand on her back and keeps the other in hers.

 

“Not going for the ‘drunk uncle’ vibe tonight? “ She asks as they sway to soft melody of the piano tunes.

 

“More like the confused, former drug addict who no one seems to know, “ He answers and shakes his head slightly. “I’m guessing you told Clarke about everything? “

 

Lexa answers with a nod as she does a small twirl to look at her girlfriend. She’s clearly arguing about drinks, since she’s practically throwing different bottles of booze at the curly haired man next to her.

 

“I’m sorry about your mother. I had no idea, “ Murphy says and his grip around Lexa begins to harden and his sways are more like slow, controlled steps side to side.

 

“I decided not to say anything to anyone, so of course you didn’t know. I’m sorry for leaving you like that. I should’ve at least said goodbye. “ Her eyes are darting around the room as she tries to clear her head from the memories. “How’ve you been? “

 

“I fell in love with a girl, “ He answers and his grips tighten. “She dumped me because I’m a raging alcoholic. “ He laughs and Lexa laughs with him, though it’s like when you see a child fall. It’s funny, but you can’t help but to worry for a brief moment if they’re okay.

 

“It happens, “ She answers. “I- I overheard you live on the street? “ She says.

 

“I don’t. “

 

“No? “

 

“No, I just move a lot, you know. From one apartment building’s hallway to another. It’s very refreshing. You get to see a lot more of this city and meet a lot of new people- “

 

“John, “ She stops him and takes a step back. “Don’t joke about this. “

 

“I have to, “ He answers and there’s the hurt look in his eyes. The one Lexa hasn’t seen in years. He’s slightly smiling and the hollow cheeks turn pink at the apples, but his eyes are empty and she swears, that just for a moment, he might actually shed a tear.

 

“Take my apartment. I mean- I- come live with me, “ She says and folds her arms across her chest. “We can turn the living room into a bedroom. “

 

“Lexa- “

 

“No, John. Just- try and be grateful for a few seconds. Try not to shoot things down when it gets a little too real or too difficult. “

 

Murphy bites his lower lips and his droopy eyes fall to the floor, and then the ceiling. “I used to have a crush on you, and now you want me to live with you? Just like that? “

 

“Well, I _was_ pretty hot in college, “ Lexa says and shoots a smile off.

 

“You weren’t- I mean, you were okay for the girls there. You used to do those braids or whatever. “

 

“They weren’t _braids_ , dummy. There were, like, braided dreadlocks- “ She slaps him across the arm as he falls into a fit of laughter. “Shut up. “ She grins.

 

“What’s happening? “ Clarke asks with a big grin on her face and a bubbly, blue drink in her hand. She slides her hand down Lexa’s back and stops when it falls nicely into her back pocket of her tight jeans.

 

“We’re were just talking about Lexa’s- “

 

“ _Don’t_! “ Lexa yells and grinds her teeth with a serious look on her face. “He’s moving in with me, “ She hurries to say.

 

“Seriously? Your ex-boyfriend moves in with you before I do? “ Clarke says and laughs when Lexa’s cheeks turn pink.

 

“We weren’t even dating! “ She exclaims and bumps her hips against Clarke’s.

 

“I _knoooow_ , “ Clarke says and her slurry words make Lexa laugh. “No, no, I’m just kidding. I’m happy for you two. You’re going to make beautiful babies. “ Clarke almost spills the entire drink down herself as she falls backwards, laughing.

 

“Guess who’s sleeping on the couch, “ Lexa says and smiles at her girlfriend’s silliness.

 

“No _meeee_ , “ Clarke grins and kisses Lexa’s cheek and neck and nose and hand, before running back to Bellamy and Raven at the bar.

 

“God, I love her- “ Lexa says, but Murphy’s loud sighs stops her.

 

“Oh, shut up! “ He yells, trying to force his smile away and disappears behind the crowd of dancers, leaving Lexa to daydream about her girlfriend alone.

 

_____________________________

 

“Clarke! “ Lexa calls and runs out of the bedroom, her hair still damp and a towel in one hand, phone in the other. “It’s Raven, here. “ She throws the phone with the smashed screen down to her girlfriend, who’s on the floor on her knees, paint all the way up and down her arms.

 

“Thanks, “ Clarke says and wipes her hands on a towel and puts the phone to her ear. “Hey, “ She says, getting up from the floor.

 

_“It’s me- uh, Raven- “_

“Yeah, Lexa told me. What’s up? “ Clarke asks. She walks to the kitchen and pours herself a glass of water as Raven begins to talk.

 

_“So, like, things have been a bit, you know, weird- like, between us. Just- I’ve thought about that day a couple months ago, where Octavia practically forced you to forgive me, or whatever, and it just kind of hit me, that you couldn’t have forgiven me. Like, it’s impossible- “_

“Raven, why are you- “

 

_“No, please. Just- listen. My god, I keep interrupting you, I’m sorry, I’m just all over the place right now. Can- can we meet? Like, right now? I’m near the park by your street. “_

Clarke sighs and looks at the mess of a painting in front of her. The colors don’t match and there’s something off about it, as if she’d painting it with one eye closed and now that she’s really looking at it, there’s too much canvas and not enough… everything else.

 

“Sure. I’ll be there in five minutes. “ Clarke hangs up and say goodbye to Lexa, wishing her good luck on her first day at her new job.

 

The weather is good when you think about how horrible it’s been the past week. Rain and wind has been shaking up everything outside. The street is covered with leaves and sticks from the trees lining the road. Clarke sees Raven right away. Though everything has the same fall-ish colors, Raven’s dark hair still stands out.

 

“Hi, “ Raven says awkwardly and runs her fingers through the brown locks. Her cheeks are blushed and she’s wearing workout clothes.

 

“Been running? “ Clarke asks as they begin to walk around the park. Raven nods and still seems to be out of breath. “So, what’s going on? Why all of this mystery? “ Clarke jokes, though her chest feels heavy from nervousness.

 

“You forgave me like it was nothing, “ Raven begins. Clarke wants to argue and tell her it wasn’t just ‘nothing’, but Raven seems like she has a lot on her mind right now. “Octavia told you to forgive me, and so you did. But you didn’t want to and you didn’t mean it- of course you didn’t mean it. I kissed the guy you’d been dating for eleven years just to then leave, come back and end up dating him. I know- “ She says and puts her hands out in front of her to stop Clarke from interrupting her. “It’s about a lot more than that. It’s just- “ She shakes her head and they turn right around a tree. The leaves whisper in the wind and Clarke puts her hands in her coat’s pockets.

 

“I feel like I lost you- all of you- when I left, “ Raven says. “I was gone for a year and I knew that it wouldn’t be the same when I’d eventually come back. I knew you guys were going to do stuff and grow closer without me, but now- now I don’t know what to do. “ Raven sighs.

 

“You haven’t lost us, Raven. You pushed us all away when you decided your goodbye present was going to be kissing Finn, “ Clarke says. A strange feeling of satisfaction runs through her body when Raven winces from the words. “We said goodbye, told you how much we were going to miss you, and that everything would be perfectly fine when you’d come back. I told you how much I loved you and how much I was going to miss you, and- “ Clarke kicks the ground slowly and turns her head to look at Raven and the tears that are forming in her eyes.

 

“And you kissed my boyfriend in return, “ Clarke says.

 

“I knew you were still mad- “

 

“Of course I’m mad, Raven! “ Clarke yells loud enough for the kids, who’re kicking ball next to the tree, to stop and turn to look. “You kissed my boyfriend, then left for a year, leaving me to deal with Finn constantly reassuring me that it didn’t mean anything, and that he still loves me. Which- which I knew wasn’t true. He stopped loving me the second you put your lips on his- “

 

“Clarke- “

 

“Don’t interrupt me, Raven. You wanted to hear these things and now you have to listen. “ Clarke exhales deeply as they continue to walk through the tall grass. “You might’ve left for a year, feeling like shit, but I stayed for a year and I lived with the person who was a constant reminder of how unwanted I was. I don’t feel sorry for you, Raven. I don’t feel like I should just forgive you because you’re crying right now. I shouldn’t forgive you just because you’re the one who wanted to talk about this and because you’re the one who wants to solve this problem. I don’t think I’ll ever really forgive you. “

 

“But- “ Raven says and clears her throat, forcing the tears away with a hard sniff. “I mean, that’s okay. I get it. I just- I just want this to be over, like, I don’t want us to be awkward or to feel like we can’t be in the same room or anything. I’m with Finn and you’re with Lexa. If we just focus on that, isn’t that fine? “ Raven asks and there’s a sense of giving up in her voice.

 

Clarke bites her lip hard and tries to keep her hands unclenched in the pockets of her jacket. “I- no, _no_ , it’s not _fine_ , Raven. You’re moving in with him in- in _our_ apartment. You’re going to be sleeping on _my_ side of the bed, putting your clothes in _my_ closet, cooking him dinner the place were _I_ cooked him dinner. It’s weird and it’s hard, okay? “

 

“Do- do you still love him? “ Raven asks. Normally Raven stands tall with her arms crossed and a self secure look on her face, but now her back’s hunched over and a simple blow of wind could knock her over.

 

“That’s not what this is about, Raven! “ Clarke feels her patience starting to drift away and the hot pile of anger in her chest spreading. “God, why is it so hard for you to understand this? All I’m saying is, that you hurt me when you kissed him. You hurt me when you came back and still loved him and didn’t even try to hide it. You hurt me when you made me let go of him, because I knew you two would be better for each other. And now you’re hurting me because you’re going to make him happy the place where I failed. “ Clarke’s always hated how her throat tightens up when she’s angry. The feelings of sadness and anger easily get mixed up and tears come too easily. But she’s not going to cry right now, not in front of Raven, anyway.

 

“I’m sorry- “ Raven whimpers.

 

“I know. But that doesn’t help. “

 

“Then what does? “ Raven exclaims and lets her hands drop to her sides. She stops walking and stomps her foot on the grass. “What do you want me to do? Do you not want me to be with him? Do you want me to move away? Because I’m not going to do either of those things! I’m sorry for everything, Clarke, okay? I want everything to be okay again, but I don’t know how, “ She says and falls back, leaning up against the trunk of a tall tree.

 

“Time. Just- give me some time to process everything. I’m in a new relationship and I have other things on my mind, too. I just need to learn to understand that you guys are together now and that I’m living a completely different life than I was just a few months ago. “

 

“Okay, “ Raven says. “I’ll leave you alone. If that’s what’s going to help- “

 

“I don’t want you to leave me alone, Raven. I just want you to understand that I’m not okay yet. I want you to do whatever you want with Finn and live wherever you want, I’m just asking you to understand that I don’t want to be involved and to hear about it and to be forced to be okay. It’s not that hard, honestly, “ Clarke says.

 

Raven nods slowly and leans forward, pushing herself away from the tree. She claps her hands and folds them behind her head, turning her face up against the slight bit of sun. “Thank you for the talk, “ She says and looks at Clarke. “I need to get going now. “

 

“Of course, “ Clarke says and simply starts walking away, feeling a million pounds lighter and heavier at the same time.

 

_____________________________

 

Clarke decides to spend the rest of her day at home in her small apartment with a paintbrush in her hand. She’s painting the view from her living room again, this time turning the sky the same colors as the dark green and brown leaves, that are flying around town outside the building. The paint keeps getting mixed up, making the green too dark and the brown too light. She adds reds and pinks to create a contrast, but the brown makes it splotchy.

 

After hours of messing up over and over again, she gives up with a sigh and washes the brushes, paints and herself. Lexa hasn’t called, which leads Clarke to believe her new job isn’t as horrible as Lexa tried to convince her it is.

 

The conversation with Raven is running through her head, bullet points coming out like a flashlight at nighttime. She keeps wondering, worrying, if maybe she was too harsh, too unfair. Shouldn’t Finn and Raven just be able to do whatever they want?

 

Clarke’s leaning against the fridge when her phone rings from the living room. “Hello? “ She says after running for it.

 

_“Clarke? Hey, sweetie. “_ The familiar voice of her mother seems to make Clarke able to breathe properly again.

 

“Mom, hey. Is everything okay? “

 

_“Yes, yeah. Of course. I haven’t seen you in forever, sweetie. I was just wondering how you’re feeling, you know, with Finn and all- “_

“It’s fine- I’m- I am fine, mom, thank you. I, uh, I’m seeing someone else, you know. “

 

_“Really? Alread- “_

“Yes, mom, already. Her, uh, her name is Lexa- “

 

_“Her? “_ Abby repeats and Clarke begins to think that answering the phone might’ve been a mistake. _“Well, bring her home and we’ll all have dinner together, okay? “_

“Tonight? “ Clarke asks,

 

_“If you feel like it. I’m home all day today, so come whenever you want to. Just text me when you’re close, okay? I love you. “_

“Love you, too. Bye, “ Clarke says before hanging up.

 

_To: Lexa from the party_

_Hey, just talked to my mom. She wants us to come over for dinner. Do you want to? We don’t have to if you don’t want to._

_From: Lexa from the party_

_You’re driving._

_To: Lexa from the party_

_So that’s a yes?_

_From: Lexa from the party_

_Of course it is._

_To: Lexa from the party_

_I love you_

_From: Lexa from the party_

_I love you more_

_To: Lexa from the party_

_Lame_


	10. Chapter 10

“Nervous? “ Clarke asks, having watched Lexa rubs her hands on her thighs a million times, opened the car windows to let the cool air make her less sweaty, and checked herself in the mirror of the car to make sure she didn’t have food between her teeth.

 

“No, why are you asking? “ Lexa jokes, though the laugh doesn’t quite reach her lips.

 

“You’ll be fine, “ Clarke answers and makes a left down an old dirt road. “Abby’s very… “ She looses track of thought as she stops to let a deer run across the road.

 

“Very what? “ Lexa asks once they continue driving.

 

“My mom can be terrifying when you first meet her- “

 

“That’s great, “ Lexa mumbles and rubs her eyes, wiping away the mascara beneath them.

 

“ _But_ once she sees what an incredible person you are, she’ll absolutely love you, promise. She’ll see how happy I am and hop right on board with me. “ Clarke takes Lexa’s hand for a moment, then letting go to have both hands on the wheel.

 

“If she hates me- “ Lexa says.

 

“Which she won’t, “ Clarke adds.

 

“Well, _if_ she does, can we leave right after dinner? “

 

“We’ll leave the second you want to. I’ll come up with an excuse and it’ll be fine. “

 

“Thank you, “ Lexa says, clearly grateful for Clarke’s understanding. The dirt road curls around in front of them. Multiple times cars try to pass them and both parts have to steer out over the green fields on either side. The sun slowly sets, though it’s only five o’clock. Lexa leans back in her seat and enjoys the way the sun starts to hide between the grey clouds. The familiar scent of rain and humidity start to come out and she rolls the window down once again, leaning one arm on the edge of it.

 

“We’re here, “ Clarke says and parks the car in the driveway. A cat comes running to them, jumping on the hood of the car and running away when Clarke shoos it to leave. “I love the cats here, but they cannot dent this car, too. “

 

“Clarke! “ Abby calls, already sitting on the big, white porch. She comes running with her arms open and hugs her daughter tightly. “Oh, how I’ve missed you, sweetie. I almost got too used to having you around the last time. It was so weird coming home and you not being here, almost like you’d moved out again. “

 

“I’ve missed you too, mom, “ Clarke says. “A little less now that you’re squeezing my intestines out through my mouth. “

 

“Oh, “ Abby laughs and lets her go. She looks the blonde girl up and down with a smile on her face. Clarke’s rounded face and soft features always remind her of her dad. She takes a deep breath and gives one last squeeze around Clarke’s arm.

 

“So, “ Clarke says and turns around a little give Lexa the space to come forward. “Mom, this is Lexa. Lexa, this is my mom. “

 

“It’s nice to meet you, ma’am, “ Lexa says and holds out a slightly trembling hand. She doesn’t understand how her nerves are so obvious. Clarke always sees how Lexa acts nervous when they’re just the two of them, and then how she cools down and put on this new ‘persona’ once they’re with others.

 

“Oh, please, call me Abby. “ Abby takes Lexa’s hand and pulls her into a big hug.

 

“Okay, mom, “ Clarke says tries to signal Abby to let go. “Enough with the big-American-mother act. How about I show Lexa the house and you’ll get us something to drink? “ Clarke asks, lifting an encouraging eyebrow at her mother.

 

“Oh, right. Sure thing. I’ll see you two in a minute, then. “

 

“More like ten, “ Lexa whispers to Clarke as they follow Abby inside.

 

_____________________________

 

Lexa remembers the messy hallway filled with pictures of Clarke. She smiles when she sees Clarke’s messy curls trying to escape the hair ties, Clarke’s chubby cheeks in almost every photo until she reached the late teens and her face starts to slim down. There’re fewer photos as Lexa follows Clarke up the steps of the staircase, and those that are still hanging there, seem to have a new theme; Clarke’s looking at something else in every photo.

 

“There’s a bathroom on the left, “ Clarke says and gestures with her hand. “And down here, “ She says and takes Lexa’s hand to lead the way. “Is my old office. “

 

“You had your own office? “ Lexa asks, exited to see what’s behind the big, white door. Little, dark fingerprints are lining the edge around the handle, which makes Lexa think this might not just be an office for work.

 

Clarke opens the door with a big smile on her face. The whole room is white top to toe. There’s a big window on the opposite wall with long, laced curtains, and a beige couch right below it. The fabric of the couch is heavily spotted with paint, and as Lexa walks in and takes a closer look, she sees that nearly nothing hasn’t been specked with paint or crayons or coal.

 

Canvases, sketchbooks and loose papers are filling up the big shelves around the room. Clarke’s touch is in every little detail, though it must’ve been years since Clarke last used this room for her art. “This is- “ Lexa mumbles, picking up drawings, paintings and crumbled up sketches. “I love this. “

 

“It’s nice. I’ve spent more time is this room than my actual bedroom, “ Clarke says. She walks to the window and looks down over the lush garden.

 

“I’d like to see your bedroom, “ Lexa says after a while. Clarke leads her back down the hallway on the second floor. Clarke opens a door, this one much cleaner than the other, and lets Lexa walk in first.

 

The furniture matches the living room. Everything’s either white, beige or grey, has a nice, clean cut and the mess Lexa saw in the office, isn’t anywhere in this room. Everything seems to be packed in boxes, drawers or hidden under the bed. Little things like candles, books and a few sketches here and there, are the only things that show Clarke used to live here.

 

“It’s very different, “ Lexa says and runs her finger across the spine of the books on the bookshelf.

 

“Yeah, “ Clarke says. “My mom changed up a lot of things in here when she decorated the rest of the house. She surprised me with a makeover of my room one day. I was pretty upset, “ Clarke says and laughs at her silliness. “I didn’t always realize how lucky I was- and am. “

 

“Clarke! “ Abby calls from downstairs. “Are you girls done? Has she seen everything? Dinner’s almost on the table, okay? “

 

“Coming! “ Clarke yells. “We need to get downstairs now. You okay? “ She asks when she sees Lexa has her hands folded behind her back and is breathing rather fast.

 

“I’m fine, yeah, “ She says and smiles.

 

“It’s just my mom, okay? She won’t do anything horrible. Just- ask her about her job and she’ll talk for hours, promise. “

 

“What does she do? “ Lexa asks, suddenly relieved.

 

“She’s a doctor slash surgeon. A bit of both, actually. “

 

“Okay, yeah, okay. Let’s get downstairs, then. “ Lexa can feel her heart beating in her throat. She’s so nervous she’s scared she won’t be able to get a single bite down.

 

_____________________________

 

All three of them sit outside on the patio behind the house. The last bit of sun lights up the garden for them and keeps them warm as they eat dinner. It’s quiet at first, nothing but the birds chirping and the sounds of forks and knives hitting the plates, cutting through the steamed vegetables.

 

“So, Lexa, “ Abby says, pausing to take a sip of her wine. Lexa kindly declined to a drink, wanting to stay completely herself, though Clarke’s promised to drive home. “Where in the world did you meet my daughter? “ Her tone is light and cheery, a strong contrast to her pursed lips and folded hands.

 

“I used to work with Jasper, “ Lexa answers.

 

“Used to? “ Abby shoots in and lifts an eyebrow.

 

“Yeah, I recently got a new job. “ Lexa’s hands are folded in her lap, her eyes are struggling to keep contact with Abby’s. Clarke notices all of this and gently takes Lexa’s hand beneath the table.

 

“Jasper invited Lexa to Raven’s welcome home party, and that’s where we met, “ Clarke says and smiles kindly to her mother, though Lexa can just imagine how Clarke’s burning up inside with anger from her mother’s words.

 

“Aha, “ Abby says. “Sounds nice. So you know the rest of the group, too? “ She asks Lexa.

 

“I- I’ve met them a few times, yeah, “ Lexa says and smiles, relieved from the slight change of subject and Clarke’s kind interference. “They’re all very lovely people. “ She adds, just for good sport.

 

“Of course, “ Abby agrees. “What do you do for a living now, then? “ Abby asks and Lexa can feel Clarke’s hand go stiff from annoyance.

 

“I- I just started working at a music store, “ She answers, straightening her back.

 

“You’re a musician? “

 

“No, but I do enjoy a good song once in a while, “ Lexa says. “I mainly work behind the register. “

 

“Sounds nice, “ Abby answers.

 

“Clarke told me you’re a doctor _and_ a surgeon? “ Lexa asks, though she mumbles slightly and has to repeat herself.

 

“I am, “ Abby answers and downs her water. After another moment of silence, Lexa excuses herself to the bathroom, leaving Clarke and Abby alone in silence, just until Lexa shuts the glass door behind her on her way inside.

 

“Oh, my god, mom. You’ve never _not_ talked about your job. What’s the matter with you? “ Clarke asks and runs her fingers through her hair. “You’re pretty much interrogating her. Why are you judging her so hard? “

 

“I am not! “ Abby exclaims and gathers their plates to clear the table. Clarke follows suit, grabbing some stuff and taking them inside to the kitchen. “I’m simply just making sure she’s good for you- “

 

“This is not the eighteen hundreds, mom. You don’t have to make sure of anything like that. She’s my girlfriend, I love her. Don’t treat her like this, it’s cruel. “

 

“I’m sorry, Clarke. I only want you to have the best of the best, okay? Now, the dessert is in the fridge and there’s ice cream in the freezer. “

 

“You didn’t treat Finn like this when I first started seeing him, “ Clarke says, taking out the cake and ice cream.

 

“That’s because I already knew him. Listen, I’m not trying to be mean to her, Clarke, I just want to make sure she’s as good and kind as you. I think she’s coming downstairs, so hush. “ Abby smiles and brings out the dessert for them, setting up the table as Lexa comes walking into the kitchen.

 

“It’s not going very well, “ Lexa whispers and takes Clarke’s hand once Abby’s outside.

 

“Don’t mind her, okay? She’s in a mood or something. I think it’s going perfectly fine. “ Clarke kisses Lexa on the cheek. When she pulls back she sees her mother looking at them as she sets the table. There’s a small smile on her face for just a brief moment. “Let’s go eat cake, “ Clarke says cheerfully.

 

“Never saying no to that, “ Lexa answers, following Clarke outside and letting go of her hand once they sit down again.

 

“I’d like to say sorry for my behavior, Lexa, “ Abby says and clears her throat, sending the ice cream around the table for the others to take some. “I can be a little over-protective of Clarke sometimes- “

 

“A little? “ Clarke adds, but keeps quiet once Abby sends her a look.

 

“It’s all right, “ Lexa says. “I’ve experienced worse, “ She laughs.

 

“Well, at least it looks like you have thick skin. “ Abby smiles. “So, let me know a bit about yourself. How long have you lived down town? “

 

“I only just moved here a couple of weeks before meeting Clarke. “

 

“How come? “

 

Lexa swallows slowly, stirring her ice cream around her plate with her spoon for a few seconds. “I move around a lot. I like seeing new places, and staying in one spot for more than a few months hasn’t really been my thing. “ Lexa turns a little to look at Clarke, who’s again holding her hand beneath the table. “I’ve never really had a reason to stay in the cities I’ve been in, until now, I suppose. “

 

“That’s very lovely, “ Abby says. “So you’re planning on staying here? “

 

“I am, very much, yeah. “

 

“I’m very happy to hear that. It must be difficult for your parents to not be around you all the time. I’d hate not being able to just see Clarke, “ Abby says and laughs a little.

 

“Oh, I imagine it could’ve been difficult for them. My mother passed away some years ago, and my father was never really a part of my life, if I’m being honest, “ Lexa says and takes another scoop of ice cream, just to do something.

 

“I’m so sorry to hear that. We lost Clarke’s father, too. It’s never an easy thing, “ Abby says.

 

Lexa shakes her head. “No, it’s not. My mother was very much the same as me, so she understood it very well when I told her I’d be moving. “

 

“Clarke and her dad were also so much alike. It’s incredible how they could just shoot each other a look and they’d both know exactly what the other was thinking, “ Abby says and laughs at the memory.

 

The three of them finish their dessert. Clarke kisses her mother on both cheeks before the leave. Abby steals a quick hug from Lexa, giving her a couple lunchboxes with leftovers in. Abby stands outside the house, waving goodbye as the girls drive away. The sun’s gone, the only sources of light are coming from the car as they make their way through the gravelly roads.

 

_____________________________

 

Lexa lies in her own bed, missing the comfort of Clarke’s arms wrapped around her body. She can hear Murphy in the other room. He’s taking up the couch, though he’s keeping everything clean and neat. If it wasn’t for the extra pillows and blanket on the sofa you wouldn’t know someone’s living there.

 

After turning around multiple times, tossing her blanket from one side to the other, and counting multiple herds of sheep, Lexa decides to get out of bed and down on the couch with Murphy. They sit in silence for a little while, just watching the movie on the screen. Lexa tries to collect the pieces of information that comes, since she’s missed about half the storyline.

 

“That’s the bad guy? “ She asks, pointing at a man with a dark mask and heavy tattoos.

 

“No, “ Murphy says. “That’s her boyfriend. That girl, there, “ He says and nods towards the woman in a long, white dress with blonde hair. “But she’s an undercover cop and he’s an assassin, so it’s not really going great for them. “

 

“Sounds a bit odd, “ Lexa mumbles, trying not to judge Murphy’s choice of film. They sit through the rest of it, Murphy laughing at bits Lexa doesn’t quite understand, and Lexa asking so many questions Murphy threatens to turn it off multiple times just out of annoyance.

 

“How was dinner with Abby? “ He asks, changing the channel, when the movie’s over, to a talk show. Lexa had told him where she was going before she left the apartment after work.

 

“It was good, “ She answers.

 

“How horrible was she, then? “ He asks and laughs a little. His eyes are dark in the dim light of the living room; the bags beneath them aren’t as prominent now that he’s sleeping much more. Though, Lexa has noticed the cans of beer and bottles of heavy whiskey stacked next to the trashcan.

 

“She really wasn’t that bad. I don’t think she really likes me, but it could’ve been a whole lot worse, “ Lexa says. She feels her hands go sweaty as she relives the awkwardness of their conversations, and the forced kindness between them all.

 

“Yeah, Abby has always been a big Clarke-and-Finn fan. I’m surprised to hear she didn’t rip your head off for stealing her precious Clarke from Finn- “

 

“I didn’t steal anyone from anyone! “ Lexa says and slumps down against the back of the sofa, taking a pillow and wrapping her arms around it. “Does everyone think that? That I’m the one who broke them up? “

 

“ _No_ , “ Murphy says, but he says it slowly and with a slight grin. Lexa pushes him hard so he almost falls over on the couch. “Maybe- I mean, yeah. A little bit, probably. It’s just- they were fine until Raven came back and you just happened to be here the same time as Raven, so maybe things just got shitty because of all of that- “

 

“Things got _shitty_? “ She repeats, feeling slightly offended.

 

“I mean- like, for them, of course. For you and Clarke, like, _yippee_ and all, “ He says and fakes a cheer and a round of applause, but it’s only him clapping, so it falls flat in the almost-quiet space.

 

“I forgot how horrible you are at comforting people, “ Lexa says and throws the pillow at him.

 

“You need to be comforted? “ He asks with a dramatically confused tone.

 

“Oh, shut up! “ She yells and yanks the blanket off him, covering herself with it. She lies down, appreciating the size of her couch. She can just about lie with her legs half-stretched out, her head angled on a pillow against the armrest, and with Murphy the same way in the other end of the sofa. She falls asleep to the sounds of the TV and Murphy’s husky chuckle whenever something funny happens. It brings back memories from college she’d long forgotten, and it brings back a comfort she didn’t think she’d ever feel again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm going to big, ol' london in a few days, so the next chapter might be super delayed, since i won't be writing anything for, like, a week, ya know. 
> 
> so i'm sorry about that,,


	11. Chapter 11

Clarke feels like her life is like a fairytale. She wakes up almost every morning to the most wonderful and kind person, the person she knows she doesn’t deserve, but will make sure she’ll one day be able to give everything she’d every want. She spends her day either in bed, wrapped around her girlfriend, playing with her hair, tracing the tattoo on her back, or doing even more wonderful things with this beautiful person. Or she spends the day at work, discussing unimportant matters and joking with her best friend about whatever topic they might land on that afternoon.

 

She feels like her heart might burst whenever she thinks about the last year of her life. As she walks through her apartment, pushing boxes to the side to make room for herself, she can’t help but feel so overwhelmed by all the emotions she’s tried to put away for the past couple of days.

 

“Are you crying? “ Lexa asks, sneaking up behind her and kissing the back of her head lightly. Lexa’s dark curls fall over Clarke’s shoulders for just a moment, before Lexa pulls away again. The blonde turns around, her flushed face and wet cheeks look up into the green eyes, a sad smile on her face. “What’s wrong? “ Lexa asks, this time a little more serious.

 

“It’s just- you- you have so much _stuff_! “ Clarke exclaims and laughs, causing more tears to fall and make dark spots on her grey t-shirt. “I can’t believe I’m so lucky to have you live with me now, “ Clarke says after a moment of gathering her thoughts.

 

“It feels unreal, “ Lexa whispers and kisses Clarke’s forehead. There’s a calm feeling over Lexa right now, something Clarke used to think of as a rare thing, but in the past couple of months, it has become more and more common.

 

“I love you, “ Clarke whispers, turning her face to meet Lexa’s lips.

 

“I love you, too, “ Lexa answers.

 

“And _I_ love unpacking- wait, no I don’t. So, _please_ , help before I leave! “ Octavia yells, dropping a heavy box on the floor by the bedroom.

 

“Yeah, can’t you guys go make out some other time? “ Jasper asks, a grin on his face. Everyone rolls his eyes at him, laughing at his words, since they should not come from him. Him and Monty are the ones who’re always attached to each other by the lips and hands.

 

“Thank you for helping me out, “ Lexa says, referring to the many boxes they’ve been carrying up the stairs all day.

 

“Thank _you_ for giving me the apartment, “ Murphy says, waving the keys at her.

 

“Hey! I said you could stay there for the rest of the month, okay? I’m not paying for you living there for the rest of your life, “ She says, trying to steal the keys from him, but he raises his hand high above her head, making her jump for it.

 

“Okay, lovebirds, “ Clarke says, ignoring the stares from Lexa and Murphy. “How about we finish moving the boxes around, and then go out for a drink? “

 

“It’s on Lexa, “ Murphy says, jumping over a box to avoid getting slapped on the arm by Lexa.

 

“ _Fine_ , one round on me, then, “ Lexa says and laughs when the group starts cheering.

 

_____________________________

 

The group celebrates Lexa’s biggest work-achievement yet, by going mini golfing. The rain is pouring down, though it’s supposed to be a sunny day, since it’s mid-June. They’re all out on the fields, the pairs hand in hand as they laugh whenever someone fails miserably at the game. Murphy’s the worst one yet, still annoyed by being the ninth wheel.

 

Lexa thinks about her life, as she sits down on a bench nearby the game. She’s won this round and is feeling rather buzzed from the alcohol they sneaked in with them. She’s been living with Clarke for not even six months, and she’s already a part-time owner of the music store not far from their apartment.

 

She’s known this crazy group of people for maybe a year and a half, but she feels like they’ve always been waiting for her. There have been ups and downs for the past couple of months, though everyone has been supporting each other, fighting with and against one another to make sure everyone would get through the hard bits.

 

Lexa’s had tough times, and though the people around her don’t know her full story, they’re always there for her, thoughtful and supporting her through everything. As she sits on the cold bench, the wind pulling her hair in every direction, her fingers tingling from the drinks and cold weather, she feels dazed, stunned, by the feelings of gratitude and thankfulness.

 

“Lexa? You coming? “ Monty asks, waving his hand out in front of her to grab it. She takes it with a light sigh and a soft smile, letting him drag her with him to the next course.

 

“You falling asleep, Lex? “ Lincoln asks as he rests against his golf club, having one arm securely wrapped around Octavia.

 

“No, never, “ Lexa answers and smiles. Clarke comes to her, nodding vaguely as to ask if she’s alright. “I’ve never felt better, “ Lexa whispers back, kissing Clarke briefly before returning her attention to the game.

 

Lexa won.

 

_____________________________

 

Lincoln and Octavia think long and hard over this big decision, though it was as if the first time the thought entered their mind, they couldn’t leave it. It is on a sunny day they bring home their first child. They name her Indra after Octavia’s great-grandmother. Every day they feel like their lives change. Indra grows faster and faster, learning words and fraises, how to walk and play games.

 

They move to a small house just outside of town, still, they’re close enough to everything and everyone for Octavia to keep her job. Lincoln quits his, wanting to stay at home and focus on Indra as much as possible.

 

It’s the long nights of nonstop crying, not just from Indra but also the hard-working parents, that make them all cherish the wonderful and quiet moments even more. They make it a tradition to meet up with Bellamy at least once a month, if not more often. All four of them go for long walks, eat picnics in Octavia and Lincoln’s garden, or they go to the beach if they feel like driving for that long.

 

_____________________________

 

Finn and Raven move away after six months of living in Finn’s apartment. They move to a different city far away, wanting to do something else with their lives. Finn gets a new job, Raven starts her own mechanics shop.

 

It’s on their second anniversary they decide to part their ways. It’s a tough breakup for both of them, though they both know it’s for the best.

 

“So this is goodbye? “ Raven says, her arms crossed over her chest, dry tears on her cheeks.

 

“I suppose it is, “ Finn answers. He can’t look at her. His eyes are all over the place, looking at everything else but the girl he loved the most for so long. All his things are packed in the boxes surrounding them. He decided to move away, wanting Raven to still live near her shop.

 

“We tried, “ Raven says and the feeling of having given up is strong through her words. “I really thought this would work. “

 

“Yeah, “ Finn mumbles and finally lays his eyes on her. The dark skin, matching the dark hair and eyes, is such a contrast to her bright, red shirt and flushed cheeks.

 

“I don’t even know what to do now, “ She says and leans back against the counter. The black marble surface shines; showing herself her own slurred reflection.

 

“Work on the shop, “ Finn says, as if it’s the easiest thing in the world. Though Raven loves it with all her heart, the late nights and stressed mornings are parts of what made things end like this.

 

“I keep telling myself it’s better for both of us this way- “

 

“But it doesn’t seem true, “ Finn adds. “The van is waiting outside, Raven. I need to leave now. “ He doesn’t move an inch.

 

“Okay. “

 

“I love you, “ He says.

 

“Not the way I want to be loved, “ She whispers, before he walks out the apartment door, shutting it quickly behind him. “Not the way you love Clarke. “

 

_____________________________

 

Jasper and Monty travel. They pack their stuff, sell it, give it away or just throw it out. They say goodbye to their friends with the things on their backs and take the first plane out of the country. They end up in Sweden, then Norway, Denmark, Germany. They take the route down Europe, making money along the way.

 

Every other day they send letters, messages or call the group to let them know what they’re doing. When they reach France they decide to stop. After months of flying, driving, getting on and off trains and hiking around the mountains of Austria, they find the smallest apartment with a horrible view, but the sun shines brighter than ever, and they’re both the happiest they ever thought they could’ve been.

 

_____________________________

 

Murphy’s first week of being sober was the hardest. It had taken Lexa months of arguments, yells, fights and occasional punches to make him join a sober-the-fuck-up-course she’d read about online. She kept coming to his apartment, checking for empty cans and bottles to make sure he was doing all right. At first it drove him crazy, then it drove him to the edge of moving away without anyone knowing, just so that he could enjoy something as simple as a beer without judgy eyes on him.

 

“It’s been a month, “ Lexa says one night she’s staying over. Clarke has an important meeting out of town and is away for the weekend. Lexa decided to go see Murphy again, though he doesn’t seem too exited about that idea.

 

“It’s been hell, “ He answers. He’s fiddling with an empty, clean whiskey glass. She can’t help but to laugh whenever he rolls it round in his hand, feeling the patterned edges of it in the palm of his hand. He keeps saying it’s his nicotine plaster, and she keeps answering; “If it’s what helps, then it’s fine by me. “

 

“You’re doing really well, “ She says. “I’m proud of you-“

 

“Oh, please, stop! “ He yells and slams the glass down on the table. “I’m actually doing worse than I was before, Lexa. “ He gets up and walks to the fridge. It’s almost empty, except for the half-eaten pizza Lexa brought with her.

 

“I don’t care how difficult this is for you, “ She says and rolls her eyes. “You have friends who care about you. You’re not just doing this for you, but for them, too. So suck it up and drink some milk. “ She flinches when an empty milk carton flies through the room in front of her. “Or don’t, “ She laughs into her glass of soda.

 

It takes months before Murphy gets used to the feeling of thinking before acting. It takes months before he doesn’t flinch from the sight of booze in the windows of shops down town. It takes months before he calls up Lexa to thank her, because even though he hated her through the whole fight with his problem, he knew she was the one to thank for getting out of it.

 

“Oh, shut up! “ She yelled through the phone, though he could easily hear the words getting caught up in her throat and imagine the tears on her cheeks.

 

“Clarke made you a softie, “ He answered before hanging up.

_____________________________

 

The group gets together on a regular Sunday in the middle of October. They’re all sitting on the couch or on the floor around the old coffee table in Clarke and Lexa’s apartment. The sun shines through the heavy, thick clouds that form like pillows outside the window. Drinks are on the table, as well as board games and empty bowls of snacks.

 

Clarke gets up to fill the bowls, but Lexa beats her to it, taking the bowls out of her hands and kissing her cheek. She runs to the kitchen and comes back with more food. She stands in the doorway to the living room for a moment, taking in the picture of her friends and their laughs and smiles. It’s like music to her ears and art to her eyes to see their tan skin, shining eyes and flushed cheeks from the alcohol.

 

“Are you going to cry again? “ Octavia calls, throwing a dice at Lexa.

 

“Shut up! “ Lexa calls back, threatening to pour the chips over her head as she walks back to her seat.

 

“For someone who’s always badass, you really do cry a lot, “ Octavia continues, downing her drink with a sly smirk on her face. Her hair’s in thick braids and she’s wearing a tight dress, which stops just above her knees. Lincoln has his arm wrapped around her, nudging her lightly as to stop her from saying too much.

 

“For someone who’s now a mother, you really do drink a lot, “ Lexa says in return and Octavia stops in shock before throwing a handful of chips at Lexa, a fake, mean grimace on her face.

 

“Okay, okay! “ Clarke says, trying to get in the middle of the two girls. “How about we stop before our living room gets turned into a high school canteen? “

 

“She started, “ Lexa mumbles, moving closer to Clarke and kissing her cheek.

 

“You all disgust me, “ Murphy says, rolling his eyes at the group of people. “I can’t believe I actually agreed to come and hang out with a bunch of old, married people- “

 

“We’re not _all_ married- “ Clarke says, nudging Lexa with her elbow and enjoys the flash of panic on Lexa’s face. “I’m joking, “ Clarke says and laughs.

 

“Married or not, you’re all horrible to be around, “ Murphy continues.

 

“Oh, just because you’re too cool to date doesn’t mean we can’t, “ Jasper says.

 

“God, “ Murphy complains and rolls his eyes, downing his glass of water. “And if it isn’t enough that I have to sit here and suffer, I also have to do it sober! “

 

“Oh, boo-freaking-hoo, “ Lexa says. “Get over it, moron. “

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading this story!!
> 
> i honestly had no idea how to end this story, so I thought this cute little "catch-up" thingy could be a nice way of doing it
> 
> again, thank you for reading and all of that!

**Author's Note:**

> do please leave a comment telling me how shit or how okay this was <3


End file.
